poetry critical

online poetry workshop

on following a mud wasp

she was the most beautiful escort
flickering ochre onion skin paper
against indigo back
why should i not
follow her journey through my garden
so i was late to respond
to my responsibilities
that day
but i remember her

12 May 07

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
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this is lovely
 — unknown

It evokes pretty imagery, it's very sweet.

a few suggestions :
line 4- i would take out the "so"
line 8- reprimanded not repromanded. even so, I don't know if the word works here, it throws me off a little bit.
 — adiscodancer

i agree adiscodancer. late addition. thanks for the input.
 — hank

oh my gosh.

so great.
 — unknown