poetry critical

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i didn't know that you were a poet.
midare

i didn't know that you were a poet.
 1
i should have suspected. it has everything
 2
to do with your cadence,
 3
your hopeful resemblance, the staccato
 4
rhythm of your breath
 5
beating in tune with mine
 6
each morning
 7
as we awaken.
 8

18 May 07

Rated 10 (8.4) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7, 8, 10
Inactive (9): 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10

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(77 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

If you are waking up with this person, perhaps you should know more about them than you do!  

Punctuation would put the frosting on this little cake.
 — Isabelle5

I see punctuation?
 — unknown

i didn't know that you were a poet.
i should have suspected. it has everything
to do with your cadence,
your hopeful resemblance, the staccato
rhythm of your breath
beating in tune with mine
as we awaken.
 — unknown

ooh. thanks everyone. especially the unknown on the bottom. adore the corrections.
thanks!

haha, and the idea that "i didn't know that you were a poet" is a play on
the idea of poet. life poetry.

smile!
midare
 — midare

I didn't know you were a poet.

I should have suspected based
on your carefully calculated cadence,
your hopeful resemblance,
the staccato rhythm of your heart
beating in tune with mine,
each morning as we awaken,

same time, same place.
 — unknown

If this were a little better written the conceit would come off. It reads so marginally as a poem that I have to think the author is just mistaking a soap-jingle for the same impulse as Gerard Manley Hopkins. "Margaret, are you breathing?"

By the way, I-5's comments on punctuation are simple pointless stop and go traffic taillights into L.A., and a shop-clerk's anonymous listening to Classic F-M 100's. Smog.
 — joey

Beautiful, crisp, and clean.  Makes me wish I were living it.

I've only one suggestion, and it is minor: "your hopeful 'resemblance'" in line 4 seems to need an object, even though "resemblance to me" is implied, but instead of tacking on an object, I think the poem's sound and cadence would be better served by finding another word for "resemblance."

Good good work, thanks,
 — mikkirat

why not omit line 1, since it repeats the title?

This feels a few syllables heavy, I think if you could pare the first half down just a bit the pace would feel better.

I think "tune" may be the wrong word for line 6. You're talking of rhythm and not pitch. This may seem like nitpicking, but substituting "step" or something similar would better fit the language.
 — rocket

This is so delicately sensitive and beautiful it has left me speechless. A poem that reaches straight into the rhythm of life and demarcates the depth of emotion and love.

Larry impressed Lark
 — larrylark

this makes me feel all tingly inside.  :)
 — 1994

Does he breathe in your face?  I hate morning breath!
 — unknown

"your hopeful resemblance" to what?  

This is prose with line breaks for diction cues.
It's not got a great deal going for it at present.
Title repeating the first line is a bother.

I didn't know;
I should've expected
everything; your cadence
and your likeness;
staccato of all beats
in tune with mine.

(more like that sort of way?)
 — netskyIam

Sweet!
 — starr

read 'poet-boy' i think that is the title here. i think u ll appreciate that poem.
 — unknown

breath BEATING?????????
beating IN TUNE?????????
How is this so highly rated?
 — unknown

lovely poem!
 — trochee

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