poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the teenage sunbathers
OKcomputer

I like that lonesome shot of red in the garden--
 1
that single flower there-- it has finally peeked outside
 2
from what was before it: from behind the greens,
 3
oh, I don't know: it's finally there and near to it
 4
are some nudies out there
 5
on the grass, on towels, collecting the sun for their skin
 6
to deepen, to push deeper shades.
 7
 
 
          I'll tell you, my dad was killed last night
 8
in a rollover, he flew out into
 9
a separate garden where things are kept
 10
just as quiet.
 11
 
 
the flowers stand still
 12
and the dirt sits there
 13
and when dead bodies roll in they
 14
will at some point stop rolling.
 15
 
 
it is the first time in nearly twenty years
 16
that i have ever felt
 17
anything. he died last night and i wonder what the flowers
 18
learned that day. i don't know these flowers:
 19
 
 
if it was something important i wish i could
 20
inquire politely
 21
if it was something significant i would strangle them for it,
 22
like why he loved me
 23
so damn much
 24
that he couldn't even hug me completely,
 25
left too much space between his arms and my back.
 26
 
 
he didn't look up from his beard when i made him cry
 27
his head would rest there heavy on his chest, heavier than rocks
 28
 
 
and he kept looking elsewhere,
 29
to someplace unknowable, folding inward
 30
to be with his own heart:
 31
a fire burns there.
 32
 
 
i'm suspicious of the garden.
 33
there are some kids out there nude,
 34
some nude girls lying parallel to the sunshine.
 35
the government hides little spies
 36
in the dewdrops there, i don't know why.
 37

19 May 07

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Comments:

perfect.
 — onklcrispy

that being said, pehaps you could do something to space it all apart.
just to accentuate the emotionial importance of certain parts.
 — onklcrispy

very
 — unknown

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 — unknown

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