poetry critical

online poetry workshop



emotions
hank

there is no choice
 1
but to shut your mouth
 2
around jealousy
 3
 
 
and there is no choice
 4
but to deal with
 5
the anger that follows
 6
 
 
and these are the two
 7
 
 
the ancient greeks
 8
tried to warn us about
 9

4 Jul 07


(define the words in this poem)
(439 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

This is very prosey and preachy. We're being told, then lectured in just a few lines. Consider what it is you're trying to say. Then try to come up with some fresh way for us to "see" it.  

Take this as your 'thought' for your final poem, now remember what jealousy feels like, then connect a picture to that. (or use anger) Now take that picture - most people feel anger "like a volcano" or "a monster" -- now choose its opposite. Anger is like a lake, jealousy is like a child...

That's where a poem can start :)
 — ka

well, so glad you commented, but didn't really want to talk about a lake, or a monster, or the opposite of anything. didn't want to be 'fresh' either. i wanted to be prosy and preachy. oh, and about the volcano- ,,....
thank you for commenting.
 — hank

laugh. Well, hank, dammit. I know you can write so can the poetry lesson. I don't check who wrote a thing before I comment. I think the initial comment still stands, though. If you wanted to prose and preach, then you're just not going to take anyone along with you for the ride.
 — ka

but why not, if the point is made well, in few words?
 — hank

and also, i wouldnt be writing this kind of shit if i didnt think i could. now. at this point.
 — hank

You can write whatever pleases you, and make a point in a few words. Problem is, will anyone listen? Did you like my initial comment? Did it come off as 'annoying poetry teacher'? Preachy poems do that to readers too. Anyway, if you like it, cool.
 — ka

i always hope somebody listens. that's why i use so few words.
yes, thank you very much for your comments.
i highly doubt however, that anyone is listening.
air pollution ya know? number one cause of hearing loss.
 — hank

i like your poem and suggest
close rather than shut
and
5 with
moved to 6
byebye
 — chuckles

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