poetry critical

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Time only for waiting
OKcomputer

The dogs had all expired now,
 1
found them too late; one stinking pincher
 2
under the bed, already days gone;
 3
house flies in pairs around the rot-mouth
 4
shot out from under the mattress
 5
when a man almost pressed his old body
 6
at the sheets, aiming for one more dead day
 7
ne'er to account for,
 8
 
 
with convictions he will ever only
 9
imply in his mind, never with words:
 10
hoping to receive from God 'imself
 11
one last glimpse at whatever sustenance
 12
his life used to afford him:
 13
his late wife who puffed up all lumpy
 14
decades before she went;
 15
didn't cry at her funeral, only stood
 16
beside the fat fir tree and thought it her
 17
beside him as she had for twenty years, with such breadth
 18
he could not even look at her, not even then,
 19
as she was lowered into the ground such a heavy woman.
 20
He wished for her to resent again,
 21
 
 
someone to make small things of,
 22
when he told her, i will kill myself
 23
crack my neck. Nobody to say that to
 24
now;
 25
nobody to drag the dog out
 26
from under the bed.
 27

6 Aug 07

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Comments:

"rot-mouth", excellent word!
I liked the imagery, the fat fir tree was good.
I would suggest:
L1: "the dogs expired"
L4: "houseflies"?
L9, don't get the significance of "ever" in there
L10, why a colon?
L14: would you remove "all"  just "puffed up lumpy"

I was confused at the semi-colon (L15) at first, wanting to read straight through but then I realized it didn't make sense: "she" didn't cry at "her" funeral.  
I get "sustenance" now.

nice work,
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

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