poetry critical

online poetry workshop



anatomy of a short-lived relationship
abby

"the poem about love" he said.
 1
"about love?" i said.
 2
"the poem about love."
 3
"love..."
 4
"right. love."
 5
 
 
it was one of those
 6
kissable moments.
 7
where time stops,
 8
and eyes meet...
 9
 
 
he became this idol
 10
of the perfect male.
 11
there simply was no comparison.
 12
 
 
"are these orders together or separate?"
 13
she asked.
 14
pause.
 15
"separate." he said.
 16
the pedestal went crashing
 17
to the floor.
 18

24 Jan 02

Rated 4.5 (7.4) by 2 users.
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Comments:

Pedestal. Otherwise, I really like this one. Not to sure about the first stanza, but other than that it's great. Line 15 says it all. Heh.
 — unknown

I fixed it.
 — abby

I will never be able to express how much I love this poem about love, or, something. The first stanza is so adorable, I can't even resist LIKING the damn poem, let alone adore it completely. Seriously, I just...*sigh* Well done abby.
 — Bella

time stops, eyes meet, pedastal crashing...awesome!
 — rb2

i really like this. the ending is near perfect. i'm impressed with your ability to say it all by simply implying. very good.
 — kimbelina

hahaha. money. i have to say, its really quite clever, and i appreciate the sentiment. i expected it to be another sappy love tale.. but was pleasantly surprised. most excellent work.
 — werkzeug

the beginning is very trite, but maybe that's the point...the contrast between the ordinary and the unusual ending. the last stanza is by far the best and most powerful.
 — unknown

I quite like this. It's very...awkward. It's written in quite a concise way, which I like. Kept me from being bored.
 — Moose

oh, I love it.
 — allie

i really really like this. i never thought dialogues could be such good poetry.
 — username

all the repetition in the first stanza makes it work, I think; it becomes about sounds. the middle is unimportant, really, to me, so long as it doesn't distract from the sounds of the first and the last stanza. that 'pause.' really makes it explode.
 — semaj

god. i love it. i really do
 — dani

wow. i was cleaning out my bookmarks and found this. i'd forgotten how wonderful it is. mmm.
 — kimbelina

...ahhhhh, high scool...
 — unknown

line 13, 16: 'separate', rather.
 — semaj

I really liked the dialoge in the poem. it gave it rthyme

Matt R.
 — unknown

Hmmm at first I got the wrong idea about the start - like someone was talking to someone else who wasn't listening prooperly (love....)
but then I liked it

ending though - pedestal? Not the right word. Pedestal implies he adored you and put you up on it... you need another word ehre, like, i dunno...
i actually don't
but i know pedestal jarred with me
XxXx
 — Minx

oh and i think the title gives it awaytoo much - how about ditching the short?
XxXx
 — Minx

he was on the pedestal, implied in 'he became this idol'
 — unknown

wow. excellent peice. 10
 — mazzy

oh yeah i'm being stupid. It's obvious he was on the pedestal, or at least the relationship was. doh

i can be so dumb
rating up.
XxXx
 — Minx

No .Its too easy to write like this ;sloppy thinking. It doesn't engage me because the writer has not engaged effectively with the idea to be conveyed.
 — larrylark

I wonder how different the poem would be if it were in present tense.  I kind of wanted to the "kissable moment" to be something less cliche than time stopping and eyes meeting. I mean, those are okay, but maybe add something quirky to it?  And if you put it in present tense, you could slow the poem down there by adding strange details.  I wonder, also, why you didn't use capitalization but did use other punctuation.  If it's for a cuteness factor, I think its a bit gimmicky, but I suppose that's the point...
 — jackiep

very interesting. nice flow.
 — ElegantWaste

awwww. i feel bad for her. i wanted to cheer in the beginning, that this couple was so happy, but now i want to cry. this poem is superb. i really love it.
 — stainedsteal

aw, that's happy then sad, like life; nice capture
 — stilltime

now that there captures a true moment. love it.
 — unknown

-spunheart
 — unknown

I really like this poem, small actions that mean everything....I love it, a favorite for it's simplicity yet it's message
 — Rasio

I stumbled upon this poem somehow... And I'm glad I did, it's a very incredible poem at that. I love the detail in which the moment seems to arise when their eyes meet... Also I felt as if this had been only one of the times when these two people met...

I over all felt that this was a poem for everyone to consider - so to all who are out there: READ IT!
 — Abigail

this is quite good, however i think you could pick a more fitting title--one that captures the moment in as powerful a way as you do with your writing.  if the relationship was worth writing a poem about, i don't think that a sterile, objective title is as good as one that matches the poem's poignancy.  do you agree, or am i being querulous?

-root
 — unknown

it is funny how there are times when you can only relate to a poem until after nearly the exact same thing happens in your life.
 — SeraphSoul

i love it you made me cry
jasmen j.
 — unknown

Pretty dern good.
 — noneisreal

idol of the perfect male is a little odd because that implies perfect men idolize him. Did you mean ideal?
 — InMyBlood

rb2 said it for me.

I love it.
 — LauraLea2

although I do agree--can't stomach the title.  
I never take title suggestions from others myself, but here are a few I thought of for no good reason at all:


"I'm suing Wendy's for this one"

"check, please"

"have you been waited on?"

"make mine to-go"
 — LauraLea2

that poems stinks
holy cow man
it does
 — unknown

what an adorably ackward poem. i relate. i love it.
 — whatthe

ok, a bit cliched. the first and last stanzas are superior to the third one.

it doesn't quite seem to fit together, particularly the first and last stanzas, whilst well written,

like the second stanza desciption of a 'kissable moment'.
 — nicl

This is actually simple beauty.
 — ramher

i absolutely love lines 6-12... it is the perfect description..
- gears
 — unknown

INSPIRATION! i must go call someone...
 — unknown

ok, everyone, STOP SAYING LOVE IS CLICHE! we all experience love and the loss of love at least ONCE in our life... oh wait.. thats what cliche means right... oh forget about it....

nice poem, im off to go look up the meaning of "cliche"
 — unknown

you say so much with the 7 words at the end... hmmm. a wild evening, perhaps?

i love it. 10/10

Dm15
 — unknown

What a jerk!  We all know what other word "A" stands for.  It ain't "anatomy" either.  Great poem!  If I was there, I would've paid for both of us!
 — starr

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