poetry critical

online poetry workshop

the impoetic man is whoring for tens

the impoetic man
recast his piles into a mount
to elevate himself. a mole
he suctions nipples wanting milk (his
own) but cannot nurse himself so
he wrings the air with his hands and
when his palms break out in sweat he
claims "I pull water from thin air"
and exhales as he inhales. no
wonder why he tends toward blue
and wonder if he learns from him
self: the perfect object lesson

14 Aug 07

Rated 8 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (5): 2, 8, 10, 10, 10

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read aloud
http://tinyurl.com/37djmm< br />
reposted so the poem stands by itself.
It's not about anyone here at PC;
it's universal.
 — netskyIam

i enjoyed this.
L11-12 perfectly executed; strong.
 — amaviena

i don't know why you've over written it though? why not say, "casts his piles into mountains, elevates himself, a mole." it's more direct and much more like poetry than prose. much for the rest of this. of course it's not "universal", since the only poet available to us here, with this poem, is you, the poet, showing us how you act when you're "impoetic". and no one would believe you capable of such sophisticated thought, "i pull water from thin air" -- who would say this? what could this mean, if uttered by an "impoetic"? one wouldn't think the actual poet capable of thinking this, by reading your text. your wording's too clunky.

this is abstract, but more to the senses as "distracted",  and just saying some things. but, they're not said to us very well, and we're the only ones reading it.

especially, since this is only in poetry critical, why not write a very direct and honest statement of what it is you're trying to say? it may be in this writing you've posted, but it seems to me that you haven't taken off the plastic wrap yet enough to see the veins in the marble, and how the lines might be discovered on their own terms.
 — joey

it is still a bit unclear to me although i may feel your intention...
 — greenmantle

what is his intention, do you think? i'm intuitive, but it's opaque to me.
 — joey

Let's not be too specific here, lmunpoeticao. Isn't this what we are all doing? .
 — unknown

you're being coy. the problem is he's taken cuts from my postings and pasted them together as though he were a boy making a wall mural of his favorite fotbol star. since the posts were so particular, how can this be universal, unless he means it as post foucault concret poesy? j'n sais ba. it becomes an absolute formalist poem then, non? with no contextual meaning, and only a concatination of surface? but, is it pretty enough to carry the burthen? shall it not falter at "he suctions nipples wanting milk" without the omnivorous comma after "nipples" eating into the line and nourishing the poem's surface with at least succulant flowers? this is such an orphan poem.

are you offering it a rewrite?
 — joey

joey, there are no snippets of your prose or poetry in this item.
I -did- think of you when composing this thing, but no, it's not about you anymore,
nor did it derive from your work.  Actions, maybe, but of your words: no.
 — netskyIam

When i read this poem my hands became all sweaty.
 — unknown

wowsir!  yes, you, you digit diving aerial dowser!
 — netskyIam

some tens are begged for.  after all, this is not a joey poem.
 — netskyIam

wow, thank you, and I mean it! "rated 9 (9) by 2 users"

The National Foundation of Joey Poetry has a goal---a goal only YOU can see met:
to put this item into the international spotlight.   Why?  Because it matters--to all of us.
There is no glory in promoting ugly poetry.  But, sometimes, it just has to be done.
Therefore, the NFOJP begs you to vote your ten today.  To help, not joey, but to help
all poets everywhere.   They all wrote this song, not not i  i i e-uuuuuu.
Vote ten, and if you can't vote ten, vote nine, all the lives of your cat

Thank you,
 — netskyIam

i think that clever rhyming verse written by a wit is the most effective satire. i'll give you a ten for this version, though.
 — joey

I don't get it at all. It seems this poem is a private secret, for which we are asked to rate with a 9 or 10. Why?
 — unknown

it's all in fun. you can give him a ten too.
 — joey

We're making a mockery of the ratings system, is all.
It's sort of silly, and no-one should take any "high" rating of this thing seriously.
Have fun, rate it as you like.  But if you give it a ten,
I'll send you free pizzas COD.  Fair enough?  ha ha!
 — netskyIam

the rating system is a huggy-blanket, but shouldn't be used without adult supervision for possibility of suffocation.
 — joey

Well I don't think the poem is silly at all, it's a very clever piece and what's more I'm starting to like joey, help me someone!
 — unknown

but i'll play your silly game, have a 10
 — unknown

well, there you are. and the implication is that you're liking "joey" because of this poem. and isn't that how a poem works? by inventing the grammar and landscape for the reader through inventive wording? -- that is, not by talking about a thing, using conventional words, but evoking it? and "joey"? what is he but a gnat or butterfly in turn, and this poem turns and butts and shows us the boy and his dog, netsky.
 — joey

The poem is improving; I mean, it's got a 9.3 (9.3) by 5 users.
Wow weeeee! Thank you!  
 — netskyIam

And you know, every person who gives this a ten is to be awarded a percentage-stake in all the monies this poem will earn in the future.  The poem as a corporate product will pay dividends, yes, to you: the Ten Percent stockholders.   So, vote your ten and make $$$

This prospectus is not a guarantee of future performance.  
Do not invest if you cannot afford long term investment.
Although registered with the SEC, this offer may not be
valid in some US States, the UAE, Iran, or under water.
Product may contain nuts.
 — netskyIam

i'm your standing 8.
i will be allotted no monies,
but if you bribe me--
we could work around that.
 — amaviena

Ah, how may I bribe you?  Shall we corrupt the system even further?
Yes, let's do that! Such fun!
 — netskyIam

i think you're hitting on me.
i'm a little young for your political interest.
 — amaviena

i do like the universality of this Net... yes it can be applied almost anywhere

 — Mongrol

Hello Mongrol, thanks!  Say, ama, if I really wanted to corrupt the system;
your system--I'd begin by wooing your special parts.   Not to fear, I would rather
date your older brother, so to speak.
 — netskyIam

"yes it can be applied almost anywhere"
Again, thanks!  Yes, It applies to me sometimes, in bad dreams.
Mostly though, it does not apply to Joey, though, at one time I thought it did.
 — netskyIam

We all have moments of poetic whoring, its in the genes

Larry levi blue Lark
 — larrylark