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Field Mouse Philosophy
larrylark

Crouched between rich seams of soil.
 1
Small, compact, I toil, scurry about,
 2
hurry down sign posted routes
 3
cross false trails below an undergrowth
 4
of decayed shoots,
 5
where feckless creatures snoop,
 6
awaiting their prey.
 7
 
 
They are too late
 8
to catch my rising sun,
 9
too slow for the moon,
 10
no room for stars
 11
to collide above dull heads,
 12
where planets glide in unison.
 13
I orchestrate my day
 14
to a different tune.
 15
for here in this good earth
 16
sits the balance of my worth
 17

3 Sep 07


(define the words in this poem)
(669 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

very nice. please know that.

--listen
 — unknown

please know that i like the subtle comparison to you. the surprising shift in voice, as you sound like you're describing something else but then i see the I and like that. i like how you also shift tone by the time you reach the second stanza, where it seems to say what your poem is about.

i will keep reading into this. really like how light it is, like a mouse. a field mouse. really adds to that innocent humor, if you know what i mean.
 — listen

Hi Larry, a grand poem for my money, not too sure about 'feckless' , Do you need L7? and i think you could delete 'They are' from L8.
Not so much because of detraction but distraction from the poem itself.
I'm nit picking, I love this poem.
 — unknown

Hi Listen

Lovely to hear from you once more and thanks for the crit.

Larry ever so grateful Lark
 — larrylark

Hj Unknown

thanks for the crit. I will think about line 7

Larry the gerbil Lark
 — larrylark

what a sweet little mouse poem. i am now eagerly awaiting the expose on one-eyed trouser mouse psychology
i wonder about the possibility of swapping 16 and 17 to get rid of that nasty forced-rhyme-because-of-the-inversion
nice words larrylark
 — chuckle_s

Hi chuckles

I will become an avid student of the one eyed trouser phjilosophy and its relationship to  field mousery as i feel there is a hile in my skirting board that needs to be filled. I think your suggestion makes this work right but maybe i still need to work on the wording in the reversed lines.

Larry cracks upstairs lark
 — larrylark

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