|Field Mouse Philosophy
Crouched between rich seams of soil.
Small, compact, I toil, scurry about,
hurry down sign posted routes
cross false trails below an undergrowth
of decayed shoots,
where feckless creatures snoop,
awaiting their prey.
They are too late
to catch my rising sun,
too slow for the moon,
no room for stars
to collide above dull heads,
where planets glide in unison.
I orchestrate my day
to a different tune.
for here in this good earth
sits the balance of my worth
3 Sep 07
(define the words in this poem)
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very nice. please know that.
please know that i like the subtle comparison to you. the surprising shift in voice, as you sound like you're describing something else but then i see the I and like that. i like how you also shift tone by the time you reach the second stanza, where it seems to say what your poem is about.
i will keep reading into this. really like how light it is, like a mouse. a field mouse. really adds to that innocent humor, if you know what i mean.
Hi Larry, a grand poem for my money, not too sure about 'feckless' , Do you need L7? and i think you could delete 'They are' from L8.
Not so much because of detraction but distraction from the poem itself.
I'm nit picking, I love this poem.
Lovely to hear from you once more and thanks for the crit.
Larry ever so grateful Lark
thanks for the crit. I will think about line 7
Larry the gerbil Lark
what a sweet little mouse poem. i am now eagerly awaiting the expose on one-eyed trouser mouse psychology
i wonder about the possibility of swapping 16 and 17 to get rid of that nasty forced-rhyme-because-of-the-inversion
nice words larrylark
I will become an avid student of the one eyed trouser phjilosophy and its relationship to field mousery as i feel there is a hile in my skirting board that needs to be filled. I think your suggestion makes this work right but maybe i still need to work on the wording in the reversed lines.
Larry cracks upstairs lark