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to quit smoking (it takes a mountain)
hank

i remember those whitetails
 1
hung next to the goodyear swing
 2
and the sound one of them made
 3
crashing through new pines
 4
breaking finally steel fence
 5
six points
 6
scared me at eight
 7
and the sound of wild turkey tough birds
 8
jetairliners crashing through maples when rushed
 9
hard as reptiles even nastier
 10
than caribbean iguanas crashing ahead of a bicycle
 11
through mangrove undergrowth hard as bone
 12
 
 
we are are capable of extraordinary things
 13
when challenged
 14

6 Sep 07

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
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Comments:

nice phrases,
wild turkeys, yay!
lots of colour and sound which was nice.
wondered if you intended to repeat "crashing".
 — jenakajoffer

to quit smoking...
i'll get lasered when I decide to.
my boyfriend thinks i think there is a laser to solve everything, hehe.
he's right, i do.
 — jenakajoffer

line 1 seems so out of place.
Like it's not part of this piece.
The rest, read aloud flows really well.
I've tried quitting, this is about how it went for me.
 — thirdeyris

L5 really disrupts the flow for me. Remove 'finally'
or something.

I think I would like the last line to be
"when extroardinary becomes the challenge"
and you use 'are' twice in in L13
 — DeformedLion

It doesn't rhyme. You could do better! Please put more thought into the rhyme scheme. This was like a short story with too much imagery.
 — Poetry_Lady

since when did poetry have to rhyme?
rhyming is weird. it drones out the meaning of words.
 — thirdeyris

A lot of breath is needed to read this from one end to the other.  The imagery is curious and good.  I like how u bring trees into the mix so tenderly and respectfully through memory.  Punctuation would have been nice, but maybe this is what u intended for a personal reason.  Poetry can do these things and get away with it.  I'd say you have an interesting and keen eye for capturing what's in the past and putting it on paper.  Very nice.  :-)
 — starr

p.s.  I just noticed the title on this!  LOL!  I have no idea what any of the poem has to do with quitting smoking unless it's green and moist and sitting in a pretty glass bowl awaiting flame, so yeah...keep smokin'.  It's good 4ya.  :-)
 — starr

lovely poem
 — stout

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