|to quit smoking (it takes a mountain)
i remember those whitetails
hung next to the goodyear swing
and the sound one of them made
crashing through new pines
breaking finally steel fence
scared me at eight
and the sound of wild turkey tough birds
jetairliners crashing through maples when rushed
hard as reptiles even nastier
than caribbean iguanas crashing ahead of a bicycle
through mangrove undergrowth hard as bone
we are are capable of extraordinary things
6 Sep 07
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wild turkeys, yay!
lots of colour and sound which was nice.
wondered if you intended to repeat "crashing".
to quit smoking...
i'll get lasered when I decide to.
my boyfriend thinks i think there is a laser to solve everything, hehe.
he's right, i do.
line 1 seems so out of place.
Like it's not part of this piece.
The rest, read aloud flows really well.
I've tried quitting, this is about how it went for me.
L5 really disrupts the flow for me. Remove 'finally'
I think I would like the last line to be
"when extroardinary becomes the challenge"
and you use 'are' twice in in L13
It doesn't rhyme. You could do better! Please put more thought into the rhyme scheme. This was like a short story with too much imagery.
since when did poetry have to rhyme?
rhyming is weird. it drones out the meaning of words.
A lot of breath is needed to read this from one end to the other. The imagery is curious and good. I like how u bring trees into the mix so tenderly and respectfully through memory. Punctuation would have been nice, but maybe this is what u intended for a personal reason. Poetry can do these things and get away with it. I'd say you have an interesting and keen eye for capturing what's in the past and putting it on paper. Very nice. :-)
p.s. I just noticed the title on this! LOL! I have no idea what any of the poem has to do with quitting smoking unless it's green and moist and sitting in a pretty glass bowl awaiting flame, so yeah...keep smokin'. It's good 4ya. :-)
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