poetry critical

online poetry workshop



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aforbing

Slide show of souls—
 1
Snapshots sit
 2
silent.
 3
Stuck in celluloid,
 4
starved for sunlight,
 5
stripped of satisfaction.
 6
Spent seconds,
 7
saved scenes—
 8
snippets of someone's
 9
savored sentiments.
 10

31 Dec 03

Rated 8 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 10
Inactive (6): 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(230 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

sssso ssssensually alliterative...celluloid and yesterdays broke it though.
 — unknown

"celluoid" sounds with "S" so it works...
I used "yeSterdays" becuz it has the "S" sound within the word.
 — aforbing

i will concede that celluloid sounds with 's' but the look of the poem is what I was referring to.
 — unknown

So you mean "sibilance", then?? The actual "S".
Gotchya... well, I'll mull it over and see if I can't find a "real S word" that could fill that void--at least for the word yesterday. (kinda attached to "celluloid")
 — aforbing

hey aforbing...it is your poem. don't let my opinion change your poem. i'm no expert so wait and see what others think.
 — unknown

No--I agreed with your comments, I have done a bit of changing. Let me know what you think. Only "celluloid" remains as a "non-S-word". It seems to work better now.
 — aforbing

whoa...now that's a mouthful...but i like the changes. should lines 2 and 3 be combined? maybe not...it works.
 — unknown

I'm sound-oriented, so "celluloid" is an s-word. I don't care how it begins. What does the rhythm suggest? This is fluid and normal that I didn't even notice the lliteration until l7. Good job, aforbing. But why "carousel"? Did you mean like a slide show?
-zep
 — zepplin42

BINGO! Nothing slips by you, Zep!
 — aforbing

I'm gonna take that non-sarcastically and slink away in pride, as befits the poetry god. (I should really stop this stuff. It's funny as all hell to me, but someone's bound to burn me at the stake sooner or later.)
-z
 — zepplin42

i like the alliteration.
then again, i think i'm already addicted to all alliteration as it is.
sorry.
couln't help it.
 — shakeit

Sort of snappy, in a sordid sense. Safe to say it has a semblence of sanity, but sounds sappy. Si?
 — unknown

This is exactly how I feel when someone hauls out their family vacation photos for me. The siblance was a cool exercise, but it doesn't really add to the meaning here? Don't you find it a distraction from the point of the poem?
 — ka

I like it, very kool, intriguing.
"snippets of someone's
savored sentiments"

 — dpg3

so, so stupid.
 — unknown

it really is like a carousel, good job
 — mints

alliteration gone mad - is it meant to be a tongue-twister?
 — opal

aww ... so true, LOVE the alliteration - it's wonderful! I don't think I'll ever be able to do this O_o
 — picklypickle

i love it- all those alliterations just slide off the tongue! well done
 — unknown

zepp was the poetry god?!
 — unknown

i found this, as a result of the random button. and i am glad i did.
 — onklcrispy

Awww, shux! >>Forbster blushes<<
Nicest thing anyone's said on one of my poems in a while.
Ever since I lost that "Poetry Critical Popularity Contest", it's all been downhill from there.  Tsk Tsk.
 — aforbing

Hey you poem, alliteration guys are some of the biggest nerds i think ive ever seen.
-Jiggily Puff
 — unknown

I Got an alliteration for you guys.... Amazing Amy Arouses Adams Adams Apple And Admires Adams Ass' Aroma. How you fags compare to that?
-Jiggily Puff
 — unknown

twice
 — yourmom

Hey aforbing i worte a poem the other day and I heard you were the GUY to get gReat tips about poems. So i was wondering if your around send me a message.
 — unknown

Billie Bob burried Big Bertha beneath Bayview's bank, but! Big Bertha belched,barfed, big blobs! YES~!
 — yourmom

Somebody help me!!!!
 — Absentminded

Man Jiggily Puff your alliteration kicks ass. I love it!! YES!!!!! its extrordinary. Could you write another... For me.
 — Absentminded

Well I suppose i could give it a try seeing how everyone elses suck.
 — unknown

RIP Gemma Kehoe. Keep your friends alive
 — unknown

really sucks no carousel
 — unknown

should be called 'snapshot'. i enjoyed this.
heheh. it's also more than two years old. :P
 — midare

Has your key board stuck on s-over alliterative
 — larrylark

And happy new year to you too :-~
 — unknown

Celluloid!!! Where'e the S? 5/10
 — Henry

Excellent use of sssssssssssssssssssss!
 — Isabelle5

coooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

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 — unknown

chanyuan2017.09.14
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 — unknown

3 home improvement
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