poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Sweets at Eid
larrylark

I was a kid
 1
who ate sweets,
 2
or rather sucked them
 3
hard against
 4
the rough edge
 5
of my rainbow coloured tongue,
 6
which my mother
 7
hung out to dry among sheets
 8
and lingerie
 9
on the Monday morning
 10
washing line,
 11
as she preferred silence
 12
at such times.
 13
 
 
Grandma said my
 14
sweet tooth would decay,
 15
soured by life
 16
and the endless delay
 17
between dreams and wayward reality.
 18
 
 
Now I take no sugar with my tea,
 19
avoid that taste of sweetness
 20
as it sits uneasy on my palate.
 21
 
 
But yesterday during Eid,
 22
a lovely girl about to leave
 23
turned and offered  sweets.
 24
Hard boiled, I discreetly fed them  
 25
into my burning cheeks.
 26
 
 
There is so much to recall
 27
from memory triggered by  taste.
 28
In my haste to capture it,
 29
and join up with the past,
 30
I wrote down what never came to pass.
 31

15 Oct 07

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(623 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Very bittersweet. I love it!
 — dream

Hey larry lovely poem.

Eid Mubarak!
 — trochee

loving lines 16 to 18 and the very last verse.. very poignant.
 — Mongrol

Hi dream,

Its amazing what small incidents can bring the past flooding back, but is it the past as we knew it?

Larry mother of invention Lark
 — larrylark

Starts off quite boring, but recovers to salvage something worthy of second reading.
This piece would benefit greatly were the entire first stanza deleted altogether.

Good Luck.
 — unknown

Hi Unknown

Thanks for making such an interesting point

Larry pointless lark
 — larrylark

I love the first 15 lines,
and all what follows.  

Not only did your sentimentality give you away;
but  your odd, random  extra spacing also hinted   to you
mr. larko.

nice writing.
 — jenakajoffer

Hi Jenakajoffer

The day I can slip one past you will be "the day"

Larry dazed Lark
 — larrylark

Hi Mongrol

Thanks for the comment

Larry
 — larrylark

I love this larry; so pleased to discover it randomly!

I disagree with the unknown who suggests you delete the first stanza. I found this captivating from the start with very beautiful internal rhymes, understated emotion, and in my opinion, one of your better poems.

The last stanza feels superfluous to me and if anything, the poem might benefit from losing these lines.
 — smugzy

Changed my mind. I like the last stanza today. :-)

smugzy
 — unknown

0.396s