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forgotten (a cheerless celebration)
Inuki

"go ahead" the old man said
 1
"tomorrow is my birthday;
 2
i bought the cake
 3
and candles for myself.
 4
by tomorrow
 5
i will have forgotten
 6
that i bought it.
 7
please
 8
bring it tomorrow
 9
pretend to be a cousin
 10
or a grandchild."
 11
 
 
he wept openly
 12
the next day.
 13

22 Oct 07

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Comments:

Remove L2- it is insignificant.
 — DeformedLion

I agree- remove L2 and the poem opens up. You also need to do something with the title; it's too obvious.

I loved this though- very sad and well written.
 — naomih

The thought is good. Make it a short story instead of breaking it ragged right, and trying to force it into a poem.

(could also be a decent U.S. country and western song)
 — DianaTrees

Oh wow. :( this is so sad....but I adore it.
 — psychofemale

i think it works fine as a poem, just needs a shove.

very inventive conceit. another execution might go something like:

forgotten

tomorrow is my birthday

the old man said, buying
cake and candles
for himself. i pretended

to be a cousin bringing
gifts as he requested -

he wept
in pools of icing
the next day
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