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glimpse in old city

on the street in old small city
where from childhood I raised
first friends I had
first cigarette burned my lounge
I saw my girl
well, she used to be mine
we had so much joy
pleasure to us was no crime
she used to tell me sweet words
with her cerise lips
her eyes were deep oceans
deep as her kiss
she sat on stairs with a skinhead
his head was bold as moon
and he looked at me with pride
'I have this bitch at my side'
guess he didn't know
she told me to never leave
like animals were his eyes
so dirty and fool with alcohol
oh how she had changed
whiskey on her left hand
eyes cold as ice
no will for anything more
much love blasted in emptiness
but now
finally I'm blast off
from this town of sins
fallen angel
victim in rape yard?
with many hungry hives
but no will for anything more

30 Oct 07

Rated 9 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (4): 4, 10, 10, 10

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I love the flow of this, your words are like music! Maybe you could change some imprecisions in the rhythm though and I would perhaps choose "cherries" rather than "cerieses" in line 10, but that may just be a matter of taste.
in some way the last stanzas seem to deteriorate a it... is that on perpouse because it has to do with the content?
 — sparrow

thank you maybe I' ll try to make this as  a song with some corrections in flow as you suggested. :)
-Dead soul
 — unknown

too many cliches
 — poetbill

you are wrong man. this poem is a glimpse and it' s structure is like that. Then impresionists ar cliche too. I give this 9 because of the powerful flow and the wide way of interpretation. You should change your look at poems and try to live in them. and feel the feelings poet does. ;) Try!
I' ve always loved Dead Souls impresionistic view to things.
 — Habakalibrus

I agree to Haba. :)
 — unknown

Real power, no bullshit artifice or pretence. A vividly real poem

Larry 100% bullshitter Lark
 — larrylark

e.g. "eyes like oceans" is the original big cliche!
 — poetbill

very good.
I'd remove one of the descriptions in line 10, or just go with 'cherry'.
I liked your poem,
I don't mind the odd cliche.
 — jenakajoffer

 — Dead_soul

great. nice. power.
 — unknown

thanks again.
 — Dead_soul

Nice. like the flow. regards.
 — unknown

fire in the tavern... it happens... ( line 4, "lounge" for "tongue"? or intentional?

this is ok as an inditement, and it doesn't have to be critiqued as "poetry", it's so personal. you're contracting conversation language in a neat way, and that makes this readable... like, you were hearing it as progressive slam or indi-punk or some such re-invention of the ordinary.

nice to be in your town.
 — joey

It' s tension. and yes in winters it' s very nice to
be there, it has an old castle ruin, surounded by rivers
beutiful view to the past.
 — Dead_soul

I really enjoyed this read.
 — psychofemale