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glimpse in old city
Dead_soul

on the street in old small city
 1
where from childhood I raised
 2
first friends I had
 3
first cigarette burned my lounge
 4
 
 
I saw my girl
 5
well, she used to be mine
 6
we had so much joy
 7
pleasure to us was no crime
 8
 
 
she used to tell me sweet words
 9
with her cerise lips
 10
her eyes were deep oceans
 11
deep as her kiss
 12
 
 
she sat on stairs with a skinhead
 13
his head was bold as moon
 14
and he looked at me with pride
 15
'I have this bitch at my side'
 16
 
 
guess he didn't know
 17
she told me to never leave
 18
like animals were his eyes
 19
so dirty and fool with alcohol
 20
 
 
oh how she had changed
 21
whiskey on her left hand
 22
eyes cold as ice
 23
no will for anything more
 24
 
 
much love blasted in emptiness
 25
but now
 26
finally I'm blast off
 27
from this town of sins
 28
 
 
fallen angel
 29
victim in rape yard?
 30
with many hungry hives
 31
but no will for anything more
 32

30 Oct 07

Rated 9 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (4): 4, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I love the flow of this, your words are like music! Maybe you could change some imprecisions in the rhythm though and I would perhaps choose "cherries" rather than "cerieses" in line 10, but that may just be a matter of taste.
in some way the last stanzas seem to deteriorate a it... is that on perpouse because it has to do with the content?
 — sparrow

thank you maybe I' ll try to make this as  a song with some corrections in flow as you suggested. :)
-Dead soul
 — unknown

too many cliches
 — poetbill

you are wrong man. this poem is a glimpse and it' s structure is like that. Then impresionists ar cliche too. I give this 9 because of the powerful flow and the wide way of interpretation. You should change your look at poems and try to live in them. and feel the feelings poet does. ;) Try!
I' ve always loved Dead Souls impresionistic view to things.
 — Habakalibrus

I agree to Haba. :)
 — unknown

Real power, no bullshit artifice or pretence. A vividly real poem

Larry 100% bullshitter Lark
 — larrylark

e.g. "eyes like oceans" is the original big cliche!
 — poetbill

very good.
I'd remove one of the descriptions in line 10, or just go with 'cherry'.
I liked your poem,
I don't mind the odd cliche.
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

thanks
 — Dead_soul

great. nice. power.
 — unknown

thanks again.
 — Dead_soul

Nice. like the flow. regards.
 — unknown

fire in the tavern... it happens... ( line 4, "lounge" for "tongue"? or intentional?

this is ok as an inditement, and it doesn't have to be critiqued as "poetry", it's so personal. you're contracting conversation language in a neat way, and that makes this readable... like, you were hearing it as progressive slam or indi-punk or some such re-invention of the ordinary.

nice to be in your town.
 — joey

It' s tension. and yes in winters it' s very nice to
be there, it has an old castle ruin, surounded by rivers
beutiful view to the past.
 — Dead_soul

I really enjoyed this read.
 — psychofemale

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