poetry critical

online poetry workshop



police came to my door with a search warrant
unknown

said i'd spent
 1
over thirty-dollars
 2
on aa batteries
 3
in one month
 4
at the kum and go.
 5
 
 
one of the clerks
 6
got suspicious
 7
i was cooking meth.
 8
 
 
i took the officers
 9
down the hall
 10
 
 
showed them my
 11
ten-dollar cd player
 12
from wal-mart
 13
the landfill of notebooks
 14
spilling out of the closet
 15
and the waste basket
 16
six inches deep
 17
with dead batteries.
 18
 
 
you get paid
 19
to write these
 20
poems?
 21
asked the young one
 22
with gnarly cauliflower ear
 23
while wrist-checking
 24
the pepper spray
 25
on his belt.
 26
 
 
some guy
 27
in ohio
 28
owes me fifteen bucks
 29
i don't ever expect
 30
to see
 31
beyond that it's self delusion,
 32
i said
 33
as we walked
 34
to the living room.
 35
 
 
get some sleep buddy
 36
looks like you need it,
 37
the older one
 38
with a turkey-neck
 39
gobbled
 40
and reached for the door.
 41
 
 
oh
 42
that's the butter-knife exit,
 43
i said
 44
and dug one out of the couch cushions
 45
and twisted the tip
 46
in the rectangular hole.
 47
 
 
where's your doorknob buddy?
 48
gobbled turkey-neck.
 49
 
 
it ran off
 50
with the dish
 51
and the spoon,
 52
i said
 53
and wished them luck
 54
against the inexorable vicissitudes
 55
despair of the shy woodchuck
 56
and what-not.
 57
 
 
then i peed
 58
in the kitchen sink
 59
popped a handful of vicodin
 60
and wrote this poem
 61
dedicated to myself
 62
and anyone else out there
 63
with a headful of
 64
loaded dice.
 65

6 Nov 07

Rated 8 (8.1) by 3 users.
Active (3): 3, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 4, 6, 6, 6, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

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(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

or maybe 55. you use gobbled and turkey-neck twice. perhaps you could use other turkey words instead of the same ones twice. that's all I've got for now.
 — SteelAngel

Interesting story/pretty weak poetry
 — poetbill

I danced in delight the entire length of this poem.  It's unusual, creative, packed with small grins.  Not sure it's a poem but it's a good small story.
 — Isabelle5

i dig. fuck these people, it is a poem.

cheers.
 — unknown

Absolutely brilliant. A poem of hope where creativity burns bright in a world full of arseholes.

Larry arsehole Lark
 — larrylark

great. i really thought this was good. i liked the narrative and the language and format. well written. anipani
 — crimsonkiss

Hmm... this is ambitious.  Becuz it goes everywhere, it actually tends to end up going nowhere.  I see what you are TRYING to do with this, but it's not quite getting there.  You get us very close, don't get me wrong--but it's just not cohesive enough for me.  
You should CAP the word Vicodin, as it is a brand-name.
Also, unless you are e.e. cummings, I would recommend that you CAPitalize your "I"'s.  In fact, after re-reading this, I notice you have foregone the use of CAPitals altogether.  Is that laziness or just an oversight?  
Well, as always, there are just suggestions...  
Great beginning--with some editing, this could be a wonderful poem.
 — aforbing

not bad, but please get rid of the word beautifully (64) find a better way to say it....you were saying it quite nicely the whole time, and right when you started approaching the finish line, you quit and took a short cut.
 — joshcoops

I like this poem, but I think I would have cut it short after line 57.  It gets a little self-indulgent I guess as apposed to flowing with the story.  
 — ninabaladina

such a clever twist on page ... i mean, line eight. this reads like such a well written little book, i love it. great use of punctuation with "aa batteries." so clever, its humorous connotation with battery, that we know the character here would never take part of.

thanks. very nice poem.
 — listen

a nice walt disney effect, with the speculants shining off grandpa's urn on the shelf. that looks like lapis lazuli, and that's sort of Yeats. i admire this, in a way, cause it's prose but the words and lines are so dialog bubble that they fit well between commas and this is readable as verse. it doesn't have to say anything, but you've done some nice character vignettes. it doesn't have to say anything obvious to be a poem, but in these brief sketches you've made a more interesting read than the joes who'd go on for pages about "what they did to me". you simply showed it, and with words which were friendly to each other on the page.

mike
 — joey

this is great. thanks  for posting. i love your sharp humour and cynical out look.
 — Trish77

everyone,

thanks for reading and the comments.

justin.
 — unknown

very interesting, and that is what makes poetry good. there are no rules to poetry and i think we forget that as we age.
 — kimhamner

I absolutely adore this. Dry and witty and I happen to like the last stanza. haha. You do need to prune it a bit however.
 — eyesaque

overall this is too narrative
 — unknown

almost superfluous for me to comment on your poems Larrylark - i find them all funny, genius...
this one is a particular favourite
 — stout

apologies to the author, i thought this was written by larrylark.
nevertheless, i like this poem a lot
stout
 — stout

i love it!
 — pahs

it reminds me of bukowski. wonderful
 — pahs

the story reads -- an articulate yet sultry unbiased voice with crusty wit writ in it -- Henry Miller would smile
 — AlchemiA

wat are the batteries for?


gobbleturkclerk
 — unknown

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