poetry critical

online poetry workshop



orgasmatron
unknown

he's no go-bot,
 1
no robot lover he's
 2
big rush, optimus
 3
primetime mega-crush
 4
king of carnal
 5
knowledge monkey-tree
 6
 
 
he's rough lunged
 7
fuel injected steel-hung
 8
iron deltoid demigod-
 9
built-in erotic
 10
esoteric microchip,
 11
he dip-squeeze
 12
licking lava antifreeze
 13
rear-ended fender
 14
bend her dirty mind
 15
through cybertron
 16
 
 
she's no decepticon
 17
no silicon
 18
she's queen elita electron
 19
positively sex-charged
 20
power surging, storming
 21
man transforming-
 22
she's red hot,
 23
oil-slick gunshot
 24
super jolting G-force,
 25
his engine revving
 26
first course-  
 27
 
 
she's orgasmatron.
 28

28 Nov 07

Rated 7.1 (8.3) by 15 users.
Active (15): 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (26): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(10 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

fuck that's good
 — unknown

nice turn on
 — afterbirth

this is a dull read, cause it's a table of contents, but i can see this working very well at a reading, where your expression and enthusiasm might give this spirit. you notice that it's mostly smart word-pair? where they're in boxes with tissue and we try them on one after another?
 — joey

hehe, thanks.
it's rougher than a kitty's tongue,
but i might not care.
 — unknown

wasn't that the name of the sex machine in Woody Allen's movie SLEEPER?

AH, yes I thought so.

http://en.wikip edia.org/wiki/Orgasmatron
 — unknown

wowiia nice play on words.
 — unknown

more than meets the eye
 — chuckle_s

actually, in addition
orgasmatron is the name and title track of a Motorhead album
from i believe 1984
i'll check when i get home
cool!
 — chuckle_s

phew, thanks for buttering up my biscuit.
a woody allen reference really dilutes my gravy.  
gak!
=-)
 — unknown

If Joey finds this dull, he must have taken too much valium
 — unknown

i've read and written a lot, and i don't mistake a fold-out girl for the girl. this is sexless writing, modern industrial list of inflatables and utilities... and, that, i thought, was the "ironic" point of this... but, it's not interesting as "irony", since it's critiqueing clich' with wet cliche's. ogden nash showed how to bend and reverse conversational modes in order to get a laugh.
 — joey

wow.
Jen, I didn't think you were capable of this type of writing, it's really refreshing coming from you!
I love it!
 — unknown

I didn't think I had it in me either...
but then again, I didn't think I had a lot of things in me.
thank you--
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

this made my day
honestly
:)
 — 1994

i have to say that i agree with joey.

but, only to an extent.

i think this would be amazing if read aloud the right way.
i enjoyed it much more when i read it aloud to myself, letting it build momentum.
 — shakeit

joey doesn't like what is better than anything he writes. joey doesn't like much.

good writing jen.
 — unknown

why is this good writing? i like writing that is better than mine. this isn't, it's just filling in the template with private references. if it'd been real, it would have destroyed the poet first, then talked about blah-blah with a clear head.

you're just doing your political trip anyway. you probably didn't even read the poem, since you haven't said anything about it.
 — joey

how do you know i haven't commented already?
 — unknown

there is a motorhead song/album of the same name at the title of this poem
 — unknown

haha
not that i'm in complete disagreement with you joey
but
for argument's sake
let's suppose that
there are "moves" going on here that you didn't catch -- possible?
you didn't read it the way the poet meant it to be read -- possible?
the underlying "truth" of the poet is indeed being communicated in a manner with which you are not familiar -- possible?
this is a "poem" -- possible?
for argument's sake
not that i completely disagree with you...
 — chuckle_s

This sounds just like george carlin on one of his tyrades. excellent!
 — Andramelach

Word! "10."
 — starr

OMG!!!  LOL!!!  Look who the author is!!!  This has GOT 2.B. your best, Jen!  Love, Starr
 — starr

this sounds like slam poetry  ,
 — Virgil

sorry, i thought it boring.
when I want to read about sex it want to read about someone's warm hand sliding down the small of my back and grabbing my ass to pull me into him. I want to read that he is almost too big for me, too long for me, but not. I want to read that he pushes and pushes until we are as close as two atoms can be, yet we are still two and not one.  
I want to read about his teeth as they find my nipples and send painful tingles into my head and my stomach.  I want to read about the grind and the grasp. The meeting and the mating. The mutual lust.

This poem is about two egotists. Boring.
 — unknown

wow that last comment was...interesting.

this is just too cool for skool. no ones mentioned the transformers references..oh well, they were cool, and this is cool. Caught my attention and didn't let go. fun read and not at all boring.
 — DeformedLion

this is atrocious. Think before you write next time.
 — HenryVIII

10 outta 10 for reminding me of George Carlin for some reason
 — Maximilian

Fabulous.  Very enjoyable read.
 — CervusWright

this is a wild Transformer Toy ride. Playful, sharp images. It strides and stalks. Utterly unpretentious and hot.
 — banditfemme

Russ Meyer meets Barbarella meets a spliff, lovin your work.
 — Caducus

Excellent!  This is SLAM POETRY at its finest.  I wish I could watch you perform this.  I'd give any money to be there to see you do this justice on the stage.
Plaudits!
 — aforbing

fucking brilliant. last stanza really made me grin...i love this.
 — GreenDreams

wow, i must thank you all for the crazy comments.
LOL...that's awesome, thanks for having fun with it.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

boy, I'm really glad it wasn't the movie that inspired me.
 — jenakajoffer

nice. I'm onta you. ;)
 — unknown

you betta get offa her.
 — unknown

fucking great. i'm happy to see the first comment also said fuck, because that's exactly how i felt! i lovelove it... wish i could hear it aloud!!!
 — unknown

amazing words!
 — x3lab

you guys are funny.
especially you.
=-)
thanks for the comments, unknwns, x3lab.
 — jenakajoffer

WOW. Send her round to me  but on second thoughts maybe not. Hugely inventive poem laced with laughs

Larry old nuts Lark
 — larrylark

fusion tantra where no one gets left behind - compelling and would be a strong read OUT LOUD and fast -
 — AlchemiA

So original and different, Jen. It doesn't matter that this isn't a warm sensual poem about sex because, clearly, that's not the intention here. That's what makes it unique. It's a completely different take on things, and whilst it doesn't touch me on an emotional level, it does wow me with its cleverness, sense of rhythm and original word-choices. Impressed  and a bit in awe. :-)
 — smugzy

oh hi smugz, thanks for that. i'm glad you enjoyed it.
imagine how weird it would be if you did feel touched emotionally by this?
haha.  hope you're well.
jen-

and larry, you dirty wannabe, hehe..thanks.

alchemia, i hope you read it fast and furiously.  thank you.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

waw good poem
 — stout

Seems Cummings influenced. Very well done.
 — intocosmos

mmmm---yummy--especially line 8--well done!
 — sybarite

hi, jenny. i've read this piece the very day you posted it.
funny i never said anything about it but i'd been wearing
this rubber Bumblebee keychain around -- even on the
mountains -- since way before this piece's birth. i know
the movie didn't inspire this but i'm dropping by to say
i'm reminded of and missing the damn keychain -- and
you, coincidentally -- which retired from frequent use a
couple of months ago.

hope you and your kids are doing fine.
very nice wordplay in this.
: )
 — fractalcore

oil-slick ride, fantastica.
 — unknown

Hahaha.  Love the wordplay.  I bet something like this, which was so fun to read, was a blast to write.  What can I say that hasn't already been said? Write on.
 — nugunz

fun poem! love the wordplay
 — MCulyer

thanks unknown.
nugunz...a blast it was, and still is.  thanks for reading.
MCulyer, glad you enjoyed it.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

line 3-4 are cool
 — propoet50

fuel injected steel-hung
iron deltoid demigod-

i love it.




also, sorry for the change of subject, but could anyone please tell me how to recover a lost password?!
 — unknown

...ok

so, id much appreciate it if i someone could answer my question.

maybe, possibly?
 — unknown

why do come to orgasmatron to ask this?
is that why you're unknown?

well, you can't recover it honey,
you have to get a new account.
 — jenakajoffer

that's horrible.

what about the poems and info on the old account? blah.

sorry i'm using orgasmatron as a Q&A, i just didn't know where else to ask.
 — unknown

10/10 for the weirdest comments board I've seen in a good long while... and because I had fun imagining two sexy half-bot um... characters... yeah... ... yup, mind derailed again in reminiscence. Way to fuel my sci-fi fixations. Love it!  
 — unknown

1st unknown, i hope you found your way.  i wonder who you are now??

unk #2, weirdest comments, ha.  i'll have to go through them sometime.  i do remember a few good ones.
thanks for reading. =-)
 — jenakajoffer

Mmm mmm good
 — themolly

this is great, great work, reads exactly to the pace and power mechanics of the words as you wanted it too..

..it's a pneumatic piece of precision writing.. perfectly paced and proportioned...

pumping like a piston.. love it.. fills a cyborised space i like to upgrade myself in ;)

a great, and fun read!
 — Mongrol

Not really an adult write, except for the content.  
 — unknown

It's also a bit dull.  Sorry.
 — unknown

jealous^
 — unknown

No, because that would be like saying that Jen makes me jealous when I'm trying to learn and she doesn't.  Unlike you, I'm not a sychophant, which had come from years of sharing ideas and constructive criticism in groups of real artists.  It's called honesty you should try it.
 — unknown

very jealous^
 — unknown

I'd like to say I am jealous, but it wouldn't be true.
 — unknown

than i'll say it because it is true -- jealous^
 — unknown

do you think I am?  then I must be, seeing as the half wits here seem to think they know my own mind better than I know it myself.
 — unknown

This is the sort of doggerel / ditty that appeals to the big fat matrons of PC, a form which appears to be getting quite popular lately.
 — unknown

i fucking love this. hah i dont often swear is comments, but it was necessary.
 — Rss233

it's been a long while since i've visited this page,
i mean, you were still mongrol when you commented?? that HAS been a long time!

thanks for the comments, and the honesty.
 — jenakajoffer

This is so very rich. Bravo. Such a tribute. Wry, crafty, clever, affronting....all the things that make poetry come alive.
 — PaleHorse

I read a bit of the comments and some of the jokers are wrong, the best part I think is knowledge monkey-tree, because that's the third part sliding in diagonally, the rest if it had the third interfering would really make it, less the she bit and more foreign interjection boom
 — bykguy2000

hehe, thank you palehorse, this is so old!  

polish bull,
foreign interjection boom is awesome.  please explain your comment when you return as i don't fully understand your suggestion.  thanks!
 — jenakajoffer

The Orgasmatron, I'm pretty sure, was from the movie Barbarella. It was the machine used by a scientist named Duran-Duran which was where the 80s group Duran-Duran got it's name. Anyway is a 10 for sure.
 — Ebony

Well done. I like this one a 10 mos def
 — BxPR

The third stanza just has such a smoothe flow, I can hear the confident inflection of the voice, almost without pause, like a cresting wave of an orgasm... yes, that stanza *is* the orgasm. First stanza is foreplay, middle stanza is the thrusting, but with more stops and pauses, repositioning. And then that final line is the contented sigh. Love it.
 — andyleggett

OMgggggggggggggg

GREAtttttttttNEssssssssss
 — laura352

hahahaha bad aaaaaaaaaaaassssssssss
 — chumble

Ireread it and I like it, I really like the first part, you set the scene, then the rest of it is he is, he is, he is, then she is, she is, she is.  What I meant by the foreign boom whatever stuff is that in paraghraphs 2 and 3 the words seem to try and get to the heart of each, to get close to each with the crazy words, words pointing at each target, but if you let off at right moments to describe the frame around the target, or the effects of the target, what he or she has done to his or her in envornment in his or her awesomeness, etc.  Man, I just reread it again, your poem is so many thing at once that it's hard to say anything, I like thatabout poetry, and I like this poem, but maybe this was not helpful for you.  Thanks again for the good read
 — bykguy2000

WOWS!!!
 — psychofemale

wow thanks you guys: ebony, andy, laura, Bxpr, chumble, byk, psycho, i really appreciate the read and comments.  love the dramatic expressions :)
bkyguy, i loved your comment, thank you for revisiting.
 — jenakajoffer

she is the real woman, hot and sexy,loved the passion in it, love, hulda
 — Hulda

i want one for christmas
 — unknown

mine. sorry
 — sir_I_clan

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