| In Her Wake
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uncjaf
| My father | 1 |
forgot his daughters' names | 2 |
as he trapped dangling arms | 3 |
beneath his burning belly, | 4 |
a pulsing candle in the | 5 |
abeyance of our Mother's death. | 6 |
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His mouth simmered and split | 7 |
in that backward way. | 8 |
Mum, at your bedside, prayers | 9 |
slipped our skin: "unloose us," we cried. | 10 |
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Little nothings, | 11 |
we slept like dogs, half-used cunts. | 12 |
Sunday angels in public, | 13 |
white-ribbons and swollen flesh, | 14 |
little pieces of you: | 15 |
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Ann. Me. Elizabeth and poor Sara. | 16 |
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Was Sara dragged in by her hair? | 17 |
The dusty sole of her red-ruby slipper | 18 |
tapping dull-verse into the hardwood? | 19 |
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Did we hear Mother's name | 20 |
before they left us? | 21 |
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28 Dec 07 |
Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (2): 9, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
wonderful. restrained and perturbing writing. a graceful blend of descriptive and narrative.
I'm not certain that ",for example," is required and daughters' ( l 4) requires the apostrophe after the "s" I think many editors would jump at the chance of publishing this.
— banditfemme
in total agreement with bf, only more decded about ditching the "for example"
*nodding, nodding*
— gem_grrrl
banditfemme, gem_grrrl, thank you for your suggestions...I decided to take out "for example," which I'd been thinking about for a bit even before you suggested it. Let me check out some of your poems.
— uncjaf
changed the title
— uncjaf
wonderful...
very piercing. I'm not sure there is one single thing that could be improved here.
— madderhatter
Yes it is wonderful. I am not really sure what actually happens, and I believe this poem puts a spell on me as I read it, but I do get the gist of things...
and that's my fault really. And I find it peturbing but perhaps 'restrained' isn't right...in terms of emotional outbursts and such, sure, but the tone is hard-edged and biting. 9-10. "half-used cunts" and so on...
Are Elizabeth and Sara meant to be connected? Is the division there in L18 intentional?
And I very much like the Wizard of Oz reference there. Very apt.
"(he liked this)"- I found that particularly distracting and I believe it upsets the flow but perhaps is necessary.
I think the voice is well controlled, not too expository or whiny as it could have been. Thanks for writing this.
— friedMnoodle
the daughters are being raped by their father after their mother's death/or *suicide (this was ambiguous). this is based on a true and terribly disturbing occurrence. the father, in his delusion, calls the girls by his dead-wife's name...in the poem, this is what the question posed by the narrator at the end of the poem is referencing. generally i don't like to explain poems, as I think it takes away from the experience of the reader, but this is an ambiguous poem, so I hope this helps some.
— unknown
that was me, sorry.
— uncjaf
tighten it up a tad and it will be brilliant
st3ntorian
— unknown
very nice
— unknown
very very nice, good-use of disturbing images, good rhythm
— GriffinK
good poem. brilliant title.
— varun
it's easy to write a poem about this kind of thing
but it's difficult to capture properly, without offending,
yet still reaching people in emotional and sometimes disturbing ways.
you've done a great job on this.
jen-
— jenakajoffer
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