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getting better
BoldSilence

you told me that time heals all wounds.
 1
fuck you.
 2
 
 
-three years later-
 3
 
 
(and?) it hurts more than it did then.
 4
one day of freedom would be nice,
 5
but it plagues my every thought every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week
 6
(should I go on?)
 7
of every month
 8
 
 
(of)
 9
 
 
every year I think it'll get better,
 10
but it doesn't.
 11
 
 
why'd you do it?
 12
was it selfishness? greed?
 13
(same thing, right?)
 14
 
 
it'd be easier if I could hate you.
 15
it'd be easier if I could just leave and forget you
 16
what you've done
 17
what it's done to me.
 18
(yeah, it wasn't just you)
 19
 
 
I can't.
 20
 
 
(sorry...?)
 21
 
 
so how long's 'time' when it comes to healing?
 22
'cause I'm tired of pretending
 23
for you or me or anyone else.
 24
I'm not getting better
 25
any more.
 26
 
 
never was
 27
          never will
 28

22 Jan 08

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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Comments:

Considering this is a whole lot of typical heartbreak angst, it's not too bad.

I think you might do better to replace "fuck you" with something like "thanks for nothing" but that may just be personal preference.

I definitely think L6 should be broken down a little to have the impact I think you intended.
Perhaps something like this:

but it plagues my every thought
every second of every minute
of every hour of every day
of every week
(should I go on?)
of every month

The commas don't belong at the end of L5 or L10 as they are followed by conjunctions but you do need commas at the ends of L16 and L17 for sure and L27 preferably.

I'd also take the word "wounds" out of L22. Because it's a proverb that you used it in in L1, it's implication is still obvious to the reader by L22 making it sound redundant.

If you absolutely HAVE to start a sentence with the word cause as in L23, it either needs to be "because" in full or have an apostrophe before it because cause [pronounced: coz] is either a noun or a verb but 'cause [pronounced: cuz] is always a conjunction which is what you need here.

All in all, not bad for a "you broke my heart forever" poem.
 — nakedowl

btw, I love how you worked L8-11. Nice connection. Nice follow through.
 — nakedowl

Give it 5 to 10 years...
 — poetbill

3 years is way too long.
 — raskolniikov

Wow! powerful.  Well constructed angst, but there has to be an answer to a question in there somewhere. never will is an awful lot of time to hurt.
 — crimsonkiss

thanks for the input!
especially nakedowl...i did try to heed some of your advice.  thanks!
 — BoldSilence

love this. it's perfect.
 — themolly

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