| Blown away
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AlchemiA
| a Mystic candle | 1 |
enamouring fire | 2 |
is so light -- | 3 |
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shimmering tenuously | 4 |
lurching shadows | 5 |
and listening -- | 6 |
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intensely disinterested | 7 |
neither attracted | 8 |
nor compelled -- | 9 |
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only | 10 |
waiting | 11 |
with storms all around | 12 |
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31 Jan 08 |
Rated 8.7 (8.3) by 9 users.
Active (9): 6, 9, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 4, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(101 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
this has some nice moves and feels like 30's german expressionism, where they can't stop talking but try to say meaningful phrases in broken sentences. it leads into a sonic consciousness, and then drops back into the personal emotive. the impetus of the genre came out of caberet, and the mood depends, i think, on the way its delivered to the reader/audience. certainly, 1 through 6 are alluring, while 7 through 8 start pleading a little too much, and 10 through 12 turns the whole into a popular song. don't know why. stormy weather, maybe.
— joey
awesome crit and I concur about l7-l8 -- my little darling phrases I could not openly excise -- the stormy weather allusion made me chuckle, nevertheless I'm not sure how to make this ending matter as much -- I spent a lot of time honing this down from a more lyrical though telling piece I did at WC -- your alacriticality accepted 'cause it's truth -- minimalism is a form I have to 'work' at --
— AlchemiA
well, i'm pretty suicidal these days and one through six made me forget all that. that it dropped away into something else, i just accepted as how it goes and how it is that we have to say things sometimes. that was the "expressionist" part that i was trying to say was a strong thing in this.
but, for forely, i didn't know this was your work. nice modulation.
mike
— joey
this is very well done, although the capitalization in the first stanza is a bit distracting
— poetbill
maybe find a stronger last line...
— poetbill
Samuel Beckett would have given this a ten
Larry waiting for god Lark
— larrylark
At first, S2 didn't really hold well for me, and I'm trying to grasp it but it seems as though it doesn't belong with the rest. Perhaps if you changed to in line 7 to for? At least, that is what my reading suggests I want to hear, in order to rectify what precedes and follows.
Well Done.
— unknown
Thanks poetbill for the suggestions. It is a work that seems to change curiously whenever I look at it. The last strophe is too much but I do want to spell an imminence of something -- like that tension before a storm as contrast to the implicit Peace of the Mystic candle.
and Larry 'eyes wide open reflecting all the world' Lark what a compliment to my study of minimalism -- ;) gives me hope in finding a way through this house of mirrors that minimalism can be -- have you a spare boots by the way? Where did that dog get too?
unbeknowingest one -- that 'to' throws me a bit too --
— AlchemiA
nice. i like the rhythms.
— listen
what is minimalist form
i like your studypoem
— chuckle_s
LMAO! Who is this Joey dude?
German expressionism, get real.
The poem is so bad I coudn't finish
it but the comments are entertaining
at least.
— unknown
unknowns are notorious for falling dead drunk over a poem. who are you?
— joey
oh
that's raggedy andy the toy soldier boy who complained about cowardly unknowns when he first showed up didnt you notice how he went all squirrely on me there after i complimented him on being funny like being funny is a bad thing
— chuckle_s
sorry for going all chatroom on you there
— chuckle_s
he also took his toys (posted poems) and ran home
— unknown
A,
this is very pretty,
a nice little dance.
jen-
— jenakajoffer
Thanks jen -- coming from one who writes with such humanity and beauty that is a lovely compliment --
— AlchemiA
Abstract gibberish - is this the three stooges poetry site?
go post this poem in a critical poetry forum and see what happens - i use the word poem advisedly.
— unknown
unknowing one -- tell this same diatribe to those in the 5 southern states using their candles in the dark realizing their fragility and waiting with storms all around that this is an abstraction -- it is understood that you only get the Mist in Mysticism!
— AlchemiA
This is beautiful. Has a great flow, and I enjoy the minimalist form... Thus, I enjoy this.
— Porcelain_Lo
Thanks Porcelain_Lo -- happy happy joy joy -- raises the mind:body frequency and allows you to see clearer brighter and more Beauty while storms are all around
— AlchemiA
oh yes this is nice.
awww you posted this on my birthday. Love the cap of Mystic
— BoundFeet
interesting if trite
a good exercise
— unknown
unknowing one interesting and trite in the same sentence is oxymoronic of you --
— AlchemiA
a pome can capture the light like a little gem reflecting the Poets percept as a twinkle in our eye -- "Reading Poetry is like watching crystals grow," - Joseph Brodsky -- so if reading poetry is like watching crystals grow than writing Poetry is capturing the light of realEYEsations; either way there are a lot of reflections -- still this kinda writing is like a glitter from a static gemstone only valuable to the collector of stones -- the root of Poetics is the convergence of craft and realEYEsation in a mystical process that includes breaking the static forms and rituals of the word, recreating language and presenting the percept which is never finished -- the TriGods - Lord Brahma, the creator, Lord Vishnu, the preserver and Lord Shiva the destroyer are old form/icons which capture this process as a Law of natural unfolding in the trinuary process -- nevertheless wordplay is as they say anyway
— AlchemiA
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