poetry critical

online poetry workshop



birth of a flower
unknown

I have never been a rose,
 1
though I've been caught between teeth,
 2
had men bleed
 3
for their negligence.
 4
 
 
nor sweet carnation,
 5
cheating the eternity it promised;
 6
just dried,
 7
pressed for memory.
 8
 
 
I could've been narcissus,
 9
leaning at the water's edge,
 10
or cruel marigold
 11
grieving under careless footsteps;
 12
 
 
Lo, I am but a weed
 13
adrift in a sea of dandelion,
 14
waiting to become the flower
 15
only you can name.
 16

14 Feb 08

Rated 9.5 (7.6) by 13 users.
Active (13): 1, 1, 1, 1, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (25): 1, 1, 1, 3, 3, 5, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(13 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

beautiful, i love it
 — nisetru

obviousy you're an overentitled weed

jk
amber and st3ntorian
 — unknown

this is an awesome use of flowery allusions with symbolic metaphor like the scent of you -- the Dandelion is marginalized and is a veritable cornucopia of healing balms and salves -- she is a delight to see with the Sun's radiance bursting in her gay yellows and the remarkable fortitude to grow and proliferate by wishes blown in the wind -- a charming write that made me smile in delight
 — AlchemiA

hello nisetru, thank you.

hi st3nt, good one

Alchemia,
what a very nice comment, thank you, it was a joy to read.

...and for faving, you too
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

wow.

: )
 — fractalcore

happy hearts' day, jen.
: )
 — fractalcore

one time my friend was just leaving my house and they didnt want to stop at the grocery store for to buy some flour in order to bake a cake when they got home or maybe the store was closed i dont really remember the exact details except that  when they left after getting what they wanted i felt as though id been defloured
nice poem
 — chuckle_s

this is beautiful. oh, beautiful is such a cliche truth to use!

this has poetic growing all over it. the writing is so eloquent, Jen. it is so calm and perfect.

you have it down.

you have it. and i am honored you shared it with me.

thanks.
 — listen

this one deserves more than a lame 10.
the first stanza is so captivating you really make me skin every word for its purest meaning. and i am glad you incorporated a tinge of comparison (the rose v/s marigold) lovely! lovely! lovely!
 — trochee

this is very sweet.
 — raskolniikov

thank you for the most lovely comments;
i am honoured to be amongst such wonderful writers.
=-)
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

you got good ratings, and good comments -
still wanting some critique/suggestions? :)
 — unknown

yes, always welcome
thank you.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Alice Cooper said only women bleed. damn, and I believed him.

nicepoem.  
 — DeformedLion

A fabulous poem by a fabulous writer--thanks for sharing.
 — PaulS

thanks to the secretly kindly lion

and Paul, very nice of you.
thank you.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

I'm getting to know your voice JUST by reading your words!  I KNEW this was you before I even rated the poem!  :-)  
 — starr

...and Kate Bush said "NOT only women bleed."  That's from "Eat The Music" (1993) from her "Red Shoes" CD.  Just adding my two cents to the pungent, flowery mix.  :-)
 — starr

I know that the second I have never is implied, but grammatically it doesn’t work, and so, however briefly, makes the reader think that men bleed for sweet carnation. A repeat of I have never would be completely acceptable, maybe even pleasant.
It should be or, not and narcissus, and grammatically, the aforementioned again applies.
I really feel that you’ve gone one flower too far, to the point of being tedious. The weakest, poetically, is the marigold with its glorious and radiance, yuck.
Nice ending.
 — unknown

Oh, isn't this sweet?  I love the different use of the flowers as you proceed.  Nothing wrong with a dandelion, anyway.
 — Isabelle5

that's beautiful, i really enjoyed it
 — unknown

this is wonderful!  
 — FrayedSkirt

Kill the you!  It is ambiguous and worth very little.
 — technomancer

too much fertilizer...
 — unknown

L15/16 don't quite work together
great concept and mostly good execution, maybe try to tighten it up just a bit
 — poetbill

Starr, your liking my newer poems means a lot to me, thank you for faving and all your comments!
Isabelle, FrayedSkirt, unknown, techno, peanutbutter bill,
thank you very much.

hello,
first unknown:
you don't know how pleased i am to read that you didn't like marigold, your words exactly describe what i wanted portrayed in the poem.
marigolds are always so insignificant, so when she thinks she "could have been", it still wouldn't be as beautiful as the rose.
thanks for your insightful commentary.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

i.e. high or foot level?
 — poetbill

You are welcome. And if that's the feel you wish to convey, I suppose it's an exception to the no-tell rule. I'm talking about your glorious and my yuck.
 — unknown

pb, "high".  it works both ways.

unknown, the yuck is glorious.
hope i haven't said too much.
 — jenakajoffer

this is, as everyone has said, so beautiful, it has a sweet longing about it....maybe you're a buttercup that shows bright yellow under the chin, proving everyone likes butter
 — addagirl

How about a morning glory dreading the birth of another day?  The Latin name for Marigold is Calendula.  It's burned for "justice."  Thought you might want to know this incrediby vital (and floral) information, Jen.  :-)  Hehe.
 — starr

i like this poem...it really stands out!
 — brother_sun

I do really like this poem. It appeals to a wide audience and yet seems rather sad.
 — Linnac

?? what just happened to the elf ears poem? it was here five minutes ago or so.
I gave it a good review.   so now it is gone, or am I doing something wrong, like being blind?

---to this poem: it is a nice poem of beauty that has seen beasts, and longs to be immune to insect attacks.    so  we hope the speaker of this poem does not act as an insect either.   time for me to go take a leak onto my potted gardenia plant.   the nitrogen of my urine feeds, transmutes from what would be a stink, into beautifully fragrant blooms. how many here know the scent of gardenia? it is my favorite flower, for it is the only floral smell that I happen to like, at all.    no shit or piss about it.

nice poem.  give you a ten.  look up.

reid
 — netskyIam

uh oh! I thought I was commenting on natalia's poem.
No matter, I crit without prejudice.  jen is a gardenia, sans my piss-poor fertilizer.
 — netskyIam

Lines 1-5 hint strongly at casualties of young love and the pain it leaves. The images you choose are strengthened by the image of teeth and the obvious repercussions of what happens if you taste love - the thorns may cut deep.

The carnation - what i consider the peasant flower is pleasingly 'used' in this poem by being dried out and suffocated for aestetics - fuckin horrible as its the opposite to what they crave for to live. Blending it in with narcissus (mystery, lightly rooted) gives it a shallow aftertaste.

Marigold threw me to be honest as i think high flowers are sunflowers too heavy for there own good ending up like a palsied old man sandal staring.

The end 18-22 concludes and is woven very well.

I think the links to images (this happens to me all the time) shows a lack of beliwf in yourself and your ability, have the confidence to be more succinct and let the reader journey through abstract.

A very credible piece.

Caducus
 — unknown

thanks Reid, and i do like gardenias  =-)

Cad, that was a great comment, i really enjoyed reading it.  you've made me think carefully, i wonder more what you mean, with the links to images and how they might show disbelief.  

again thanks for unique thoughts guys.
=)
 — jenakajoffer

Oh, how these words ring so very true. As far as marigolds go, they portend death, so ironicly, that third stanza is quite the bridge.

Something too, about this work makes me think I can name that flower.

Kudos, in that respect.
 — PaleHorse

This is self-talk egocentric masturbation. Please go read some some real poetry and uuh, try to write a poem again in 40 years.
 — Memo213

hey pony, i never knew you read this! ha, thanks.  i bet you know that flower don't you, where is that one trick you do so well, haha.

hey memo, fair enough.  i hope i'll still be writing in 40 years,
but man i will be old as fuck!  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

Nice lady, this is the really good part

while I dream of becoming  20
the flower  21
only you can name.

I think that line breaks let you get free of superflow, like, because the line breaks, you can say stuff like

I dream in a sea of
dandelion wishes
I dream of becoming the flower
only you can name
 — bykguy2000

No,

the flower
only you can name

is better
 — bykguy2000

L3 swap . in for ,/ L4 "how" instead of "had"/L5 swap . in for ;/ L7-8 "cheated out of the eternity it was promised." L12, get rid of never, find another phrase. I just think this would be smoother without the never, never, never syntax. S3 super nice. Great work overall. Love your style.
 — NicMichaels

bky, your comments are excellent, thank you for taking the time to read my poems today. :)

Nic, same.  I really like your suggestions.  

So to both of you, thank you, I have decided to implement your ideas, making a few changes.  It would be helpful to hear what your thoughts are now.
:)
 — jenakajoffer

Yes! Now this is the flower you were trying to name indeed. Excellent work. Keep it coming!!
 — NicMichaels

This is gorgeous!!
:-D
 — mandolyn

That was  beautiful, you did great.
 — horsegirl

OH this is NICE! :)
 — laura352

it may have taken nearly two years, but i have finally decided to delete the 'one flower too many'.   thanks unknown from a long time ago; your muck and my glorious ;)
 — jenakajoffer

sheeesh i never stopped to take a look at the comments,
so thanks Nic!
thanks mandee, horsegirl,  Laura. :)
kinda cool to get the older ones revived again.  thanks!
 — jenakajoffer

cripes this poem is going to be the death of me.

i have completely revamped this poem, taking into account the age of the poem, the level of writing knowledge i had when i wrote it, and the most helpful thoughts and comments from Cad, poetbill, unknown, bykguy and Nic.

i hope someone will have a read, tell me what they think of the changes.  i feel bad considering how many have faved it as it was, but hell, most of you aren't even here anymore, and no one is reading.

thanks  :)
 — jenakajoffer

I don't recall having read this before but I definitely like how it is now.  Especially end lines 10-16.  Nice one.
 — JKWeb

thanks j, that's great to hear.  i am reading this over and over and it's so difficult because the rhythm and words are still in my head from how it's been for the last two years.  you know how hard that is?  but deep down you know it needs it and you can let go of your insecurities and be more flexible with your writing?  
i'm learning, it's not blood in stone.

thanks again. :)
 — jenakajoffer

:) i love this
 — psychofemale

Baby, it's good, but whatare all those semicolons doing there?  They are trying to fuck up the simple feel, they look ugly, sweep them away, every one of them.  The commas are of course pretty.  Sometimes semicolons seem just to give a certain gasp of air, I personally don't mind -- those things thrown around, my computer doesnt link them together, but maybe the long horizontal line can work for you instead
 — bykguy2000

thanks for reading psycho :)

bykguy, i have swept them all away.  thank you.  i feel spoiled that you spend time visiting my poems.  glad you came across this one as it's been revised and i wasn't sure how it stood, seeing how the revisions came nearly two years later and i had a hard time not reading it as i was accustomed.  and i admit, i am a chronic over-user of semi's and commas so i appreciate your advice.
 — jenakajoffer

Jenn,  this was the poem i read aloud to my gf. Tell me pc guys of since forever, this was on the top-rated list back in 2009, right?

And i'm just so happy i found this again. Lines 13 to 16 are my favorites.
 — majan

hi majan, thanks for reading this oldie lost in the cobwebs :)
yes i remember it being popular back in the day, when i see it was posted on valentine's day of '08, i am pleasantly reminded of my inspiration during those days.  i'm happy to learn that you read this to someone you care about.  how nice. :)
 — jenakajoffer

yes read it to her, and learned i didn't know how to pronounce dandelion.. like for real!!!! hahaha..  your poem's part of our love (hi)story Jena... thank you!
 — majan

awww that is the sweetest thing, majan!
i guess i can never take it down now, lol
 — jenakajoffer

don't ever. Ever. i mean it. :D please.
 — majan

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