poetry critical

online poetry workshop

spring 1

over the footbridge she asked
do you want to race to the post
and she sped off with her long sleeves
the jacket was not too big
she was just clutching internally the cuffs
fingers folded and wrists curled

16 Feb 08

Rated 5 (7.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 5, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(465 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


nothing wrong with this. it's soft and subtle and has the roughness of being outdoors. in a way it's perfect, but perfect writing isn't necessarily poetry. this one reminds me of what poems can do, though, with words
 — joey

poems can't do much without them.
 — hank

nor poets.
 — joey

oh but those bards. words they needed not!
 — hank

I like it, a little picture, a long haiku?
 — cowork

didn't think of it that way. eastern. but if that's what you got..?
 — hank

was it a moonbridge?
long sleeves is excellent.
good poem.
 — varun

when i think of sleeves, they're automatically long. so, long here seems unnecessary.
 — unknown

I love the simplicity of this. Because it hints at so much more. It could be a childhood memory but has the immediacy/freshness of something that just happened. I can almost feel my fingers folding and my wrists curling - just never put it into words before.
As usual, I want more of this.

PS did you deliberately omit the question mark because of the rhetorical nature of that one?

 — unknown

 — hank

there is a long running short Poem here - this made me smile because of the playfulness of the imagery and the quaintness of the Girls individuality - over the bridge with the Sun on my face and the wind in my hair while she was giggling - smiles
 — AlchemiA