poetry critical

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spring 1
hank

over the footbridge she asked
 1
do you want to race to the post
 2
and she sped off with her long sleeves
 3
 
 
the jacket was not too big
 4
she was just clutching internally the cuffs
 5
fingers folded and wrists curled
 6

16 Feb 08

Rated 5 (7.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

nothing wrong with this. it's soft and subtle and has the roughness of being outdoors. in a way it's perfect, but perfect writing isn't necessarily poetry. this one reminds me of what poems can do, though, with words
 — joey

poems can't do much without them.
 — hank

nor poets.
 — joey

oh but those bards. words they needed not!
 — hank

I like it, a little picture, a long haiku?
 — cowork

didn't think of it that way. eastern. but if that's what you got..?
 — hank

was it a moonbridge?
long sleeves is excellent.
good poem.
 — varun

when i think of sleeves, they're automatically long. so, long here seems unnecessary.
 — unknown

I love the simplicity of this. Because it hints at so much more. It could be a childhood memory but has the immediacy/freshness of something that just happened. I can almost feel my fingers folding and my wrists curling - just never put it into words before.
As usual, I want more of this.

PS did you deliberately omit the question mark because of the rhetorical nature of that one?

smugzy
 — unknown

yes?
 — hank

there is a long running short Poem here - this made me smile because of the playfulness of the imagery and the quaintness of the Girls individuality - over the bridge with the Sun on my face and the wind in my hair while she was giggling - smiles
 — AlchemiA

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