poetry critical

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One day I will walk up to you and say - "Everything I told you was a lie."
unknown

Would you believe me
 1
Or applaud my honesty
 2
Your love on trial.
 3

22 Mar 08

Rated 10 (8.2) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (10): 1, 5, 6, 6, 6, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

This is obvious and bold. Almost too honest, but in a sketchy way. Does that make any sense? I like.
 — tiedtoes

combine last two lines and maybe try to improve
 — unknown

i would not believe, no matter the composure he had.. i don't think one can erase years of love, shared hours, minutes, moments, thousands of words and gestures with "Everything I told you was a lie".. like in that song, said I loved you but i lied :).. the two would reach a point of knowing each other too well..
on the other hand, this can be read as, everything i told you, when i said i did not love you anymore, was a lie.
thought provoking lil poem, love it.
 — nisetru

ah, this perturbs the equilibrium-- tilts the reader sideways and rotates me yet again.
My lone suggestion is to remove "a" in the final line.

your known unknown
 — unknown

On a trial or on trial?  Last line...

I know a man who did just this recently.  Wrecked my entire sense of equilibrium.
 — unknown

known unknown = banditfemme
 — unknown

Outstanding
 — EpicPants

tiedtoes, unknowns, known unknowns, nisetru, epic pants thanks all you guys. thanks for the feedback.

madderhatter thanks for the fav!
 — trochee

minimalism in a stormy tea cup. If your mask slips, can I hide it in a pocket or would it be more fitting to mail it back to you? Just wondering. Some women love being loved; other women love being hated. I think you, poet, can smell the difference.

I love this poem.
 — banditfemme

Thanks bf.
thanks for the delightful comment.
 — trochee

wicked,
nice.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

rates a "10" just as it is. Suggestion, however:  cut the last four words.  Less is so much more in something this important.  Your poem SHOWS, so it need not finish by "telling".  This is a great poem.  Cream rises.
 — netskyIam

nice little poem trochee
 — chuckle_s

ola jen thanks.

thanks netsky... umm are you sure?

thank you lil chucks
 — trochee

how's about
you put 3/4 as the title

the title as the first two lines, and the present first two as the closing lines?
'to tell you that' could be done away with. i think.
 — unknown

It's impossible to put someone's love on trial without their permission. This is a simple little torture tool that will only work on those who need clear answers and no loose ends. Sometimes those things aren't available from others so we need to synthesize them for ourselves.

When confronted with something like this kind of head game, I remind myself that love isn't always a two-way street. Anyone who will try to mind-fuck me like this isn't who I thought they were and isn't going to gain control over me by using my need for clarity against me. I don't need to know if they loved me or faked it. I only need to know that I love me enough to drop that baggage right back in their lap and walk away.
 — unknown

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ENFP)

Your personality type is enthusiastic, giving, cautious, and loyal.

Only about 8% of all people have your personality, including 9% of all women and 6% of all men.

You are Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.
 — unknown

you don't need that last comma.
 — unknown

so what
 — unknown

:P
 — unknown

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