poetry critical

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i advise you to jack-off and keep those cheeks between your teeth

starting in seventh grade
i'd suck my cheeks in
while walking the halls
between class.
the idea came to me
the cosby show,
mrs huckstable
said she did it
in high school
to get a prom date.
i figured it might make me look
more appealing
and help me
put the machine-gun
between my legs
to practical use.
of course
i already stared at the floors
while walking the halls
between class,
so sucking in my cheeks
only made me look like an anorexic
what the girls want
i found out years later
is for you to smile
and take your hands
off the wheel.
when you do
they'll come around - -
one of them
whistling marriage
like a willing
until you acquiesce
and then
i promise you brother
she carves you out
like a cheap

25 Mar 08

Rated 6.7 (8) by 5 users.
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(7 users consider this poem a favorite)

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Very good point and poem.
 — MattPat


thanks for reading.

 — unknown

nice poem.
 — hank


thanks for reading.

looks like you've been around a little in this life.

justin hyde.
 — unknown

HAHAHA!  Sucking in the cheeks.  Boy, we all fall for the easy little trick that will cause the opposite sex to flock to us!  

I thought it was pretending my contacts (which I didn't wear!) irritated my eyes, so I blinked a lot.  HAHAHA!  We are so stupid when puberty hits us between the eyes.
 — Isabelle5

28-30 are amazing. I love it.

thank you.
 — AtomBombJohn

 — unknown

this and others.
 — hank

The last stanza is an absolute killer!  
 — PaulS


thanks for reading.

 — unknown

sucking in my cheeks made me look
very ugly in one old picture of me.
made no aesthetic difference anyhow.

can you laugh through your nose?

very nice, justin.
: )
 — fractalcore

this crawls under my skin.
 — amaviena

love it
 — poetbill


thanks for reading.

 — unknown

Very smart, observant writing.  A cheap roadside pumpkin, huh?  I'll drink 2 that.  At first, I thought you were talkin' about your ass cheeks, but then I realized you were referring to your face.  I'm in "slow mode" today.  Need more coffee...  Peace.  :-)
 — starr

ywah i liek it!
 — OKcomputer

nice poem. yes.

would you consider putting 'brother' in a line of its own?

i will buy your book as soon as i can, justin.
 — varun


thanks for reading... i consider everything, often pedantically vetting the variables until the moment has long passed...

take care,
 — unknown

So much truth and so painful that I have to thank you for adding humor.
 — cowork

good. nice diction. nice idea. well done.
 — fireballems

roadside pumpkin makes no sense.
 — unknown

heh, gritty.
 — CrudeEcstasy

I really genuinely like this.
 — Aziel

 — unknown

 — west-end

i slipped an fell
damn you
 — west-end

i like this one a lot... i can relate so easily, and it's sharp like a blade. plus, not too many words i don't know! very nicely done! fuck proper capitalization!
 — jacksonic

It's like teen angst all over again
 — jacksonic