|Even My Soulmate Didn't Love Me
Your touch wasn’t a false alarm
like those fingerprints
and tragic erosion
from men who fed me kisses
that were meant for girls
breathing life through their nose
instead of eyes.
I was so sick,
I grew up in a hospital
of my own imagination
until I heard your voice.
Your words moved
like a dream inside me
until there was no where left to go
but your life.
You watched me grow
weak on all the joy
I leaked talking of old silence,
believing you’d love me
even if my bones got sad,
and my mind went to bedlam
and wouldn’t come back,
because nothing belonged at all,
every cell, every arm hair, all that love
was too much to bear
even for you.
7 Apr 08
Rated 8.8 (8.1) by 6 users.
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Wow, you have too many metaphors going in in this. You move from fingertips to feet to the heart, then song, a moth...come one, choose something and stick with it, otherwise it comes out on the page to the reader as "What is it?" poetry.
It appears that you got so caught in the love of your words that you lost sight of the coherence of the whole. The best way to fix this type of blunder is ruthless editing. Choose a theme, stick to it from beginning to end.
Also, make sure your words are the right word - such as line 28 - do you mean loose as in loosening something too tight or lose, get rid of?
Gosh, toward the end, you do from flower to fish to water, stones in a shoe.
Seriously, you're all over the place here, not in a good way!
hmm yea we have such different style in poetry but thanks for the catch in line 28 for"loose"
7-10 are awe some
so is 26
and i like your end. it's sharp
this is not an enjoyable or interesting 'style' of poetry for me to read
haha oh well sry my style isn't your fortay, you win some you lose some
The title bothered me...True love? Why? Is there such a thing as false love? If there is, then I'd say it's not love at all. :)
So beautiful. Love the bit about breathing through your eyes. I strongly identify with this poem..but I couldn't write this well. *applause*
Have you thought about a title change? True love is too typical and khaki for a poem this spectacular.
what do people think of this title change from "true love" to this?
Yes, great title. Still think the poem needs feather trimming so it can fly beautifully, though. You could get 2-3 poems out of all the things you've packed in to this one.
I agree with Isa's commenting....find a concept that rings true and follow it until the end....sometimes we can become so exciting decorating it that it becomes gaudy....try taking the reader from discovering a concept, to identifying it, to summing it up
this is confessional poetry
This is strikingly beautiful. The title is so fragrantly wry. I love your voice and themes. My one reservation concerns line 12. I picture the moth as more hopeful than depressed. ( or even anxious)
I think Luxy's trying to create an unconventional picture of a moth in L12...I think it's a good attempt. I mean a moth isn't usually hopeful...just like people...sometimes we're happy and sometimes not. :)
OMG! best title ever
could the title be, "Not even My Soulmate" ???
The word 'Love' is so cliche nowadays, isnt it?
i agree there are too many metaphors going on here however, their effect doesnt overlap each other which is really commendable. I dont know if its intentional but i guess you love to give your readers a challenge.
A 10 and a kiss.
again all my poetry is so confessional, metaphors consume my poems, im not into blunt contemporary poetry much
I'm not usually into the many multiple metaphors approach either -- but here it becomes a poetic device extraodinaire -- it works and fishtails the reader along in this song of let there be Love -- wondrous
ok so after reading all the comments, none of them match up to this poem...
i'm sensing a rebuild.
if so, i'd like to see the original sometime for comparison. just found you and your style fascinates me. i want to see how you got here.
great writing nonetheless.
beautiful. carry me carry me. flows wonderfully. thanks
hey, what happened to hand to hand? eye to eye? nose to knows?
this poem has been reworked many times but this more or less is the original, the title is what was messed with the most often.
this is so lovely so sad it just kills me. ugg.
I absolutely love this......maybe because this is how I feel tonight....