poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Mythic Proportions
grneyeddevil

If I had to choose
 1
Between you and me living
 2
And the whole world dying
 3
I would name you Eve
 4
 
 
I would be adamant
 5
 
 
I would eat that god-damned apple
 6
Again and again
 7
Through and through
 8
I would nibble right to the core of you
 9
 
 
I would plant your seed
 10
In years to come
 11
Harvest hope under the sun
 12
 
 
You were the one
 13
 
 
No, you weren't quite ripe yet
 14
But delicious none the less
 15
 
 
I need a weed to come and strangle
 16
The legend of you I've grown in my mind
 17
 
 
Hauling the weight of the world in tow
 18
Mythic proportions I can't let go.
 19

9 Apr 08

Rated 6 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 10, 10
Inactive (38): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 5, 5, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(15 more poems by this author)

(22 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Ooh lala...very well constructed, dear culprit.  :)
 — happymole

I want you to move the last 2 lines somehow. It has to end at 18. This is sexy.  
 — themolly

I personally like L19-20...those 2 made the poem complete.  Oh well, maybe the author can make a little revision there...not necessarily dropping those lines.  :)  
 — happymole

yeah, you should eat that fruit. its a dietary requirement.

you must have a pretty big truck.
 — friedMnoodle

Alright, thanks for the great comments. I've rearranged the last lines. Let me know if it works better this way.  
 — grneyeddevil

Yes! Like it
 — themolly

Right on! I'm here to please you. Speaking of pleasing you...... : P
 — grneyeddevil

heheehheh :)
 — themolly

devil....your poetic voice seems so familiar.....do you have another profile, or do I know you?????????????
 — themolly

Well, actually, my ex( the one the poem is about) used to be on here as jessievideo and meltsinrain. She posted a few of my poems like 3 years back. Asa matter of fact you have one on your favorites i think. Reflections
 — grneyeddevil

HA-ZA! Thanks for helping make sense of that.
 — themolly

Sorry, its Pools of Reflection. Not my title. Its just a silly little hate poem to an old friend of ours. She posted one called First Sight about me that you also favorited. Oh the days of old!
 — grneyeddevil

That's crazy.
 — themolly

Tis a crazy world my dear! That's pretty cool that you picked that out after like 3 years.
 — grneyeddevil

I wicked smart :) Ok.....not really. Just have an unusually accurate memory. Especially when it comes to art.
 — themolly

OOOHHH....I'm gonna test you! Which way does it hang on the statue of David? LOL ; p
 — grneyeddevil

i don't really like double spaces
but really,
when a poem is so real and good, physical appearance isn't so important
(kindof like love)??

anyway, i just flew along here, no stops,
no break...it was frantic
fantastic!
well done.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks for your kind words Ija and jen.
 — grneyeddevil

Perhaps you can rid this poem of many of the 'ands."  You're a writer, figure out a way to write without too many ands.  (Aforbing is trying to teach me that lesson, too.)

I think presentation counts, so maybe you can ditch the double spacing.  It looks wrong in such a fast paced poem.  
 — Isabelle5

Good crits Isabelle. I'll take a look and trim the fat.
 — grneyeddevil

this is delicious, apple-wonderful. the absence of punctuation is actually a plus.

your anonymous princess
 — unknown

I didn't realize how many ands I had in there. In the immortal words of Ashton Kutcher, " No more and then!!!" Thanks Isabelle. And also to you my anonymous sweet!
 — grneyeddevil

Thanks for not being offended.  Some people here see my name and instantly start rioting.  I truly do care about the poems and the poets.  
 — Isabelle5

That's what this site is all about isn't it? I think some people, on both ends, forget that.
 — grneyeddevil

Help not hinder. I seem to harp on the beat poets a lot, but they were united and inspirational to each other. Not catty bitches taking their frustrations out on each other.
 — grneyeddevil

Not sure if I made the spacing better or worse. Interjections?
 — grneyeddevil

yes, better!
 — jenakajoffer

oh yes,
i love lines 5 & 13 all on their own.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Great! Thanks for the advice jen.
 — grneyeddevil

way to go, grneyeddevil!
: )
 — fractalcore

Thanks fractal!
 — grneyeddevil

Love it!
Well written and fun to read, easy flow. I am just not sure about L16, might be personal taste it just doesn't sit well for me.
like the Adam and Eve metaphor and I relate so much at the moment!
The ending is fabulous, ties it up lovely.
AC
 — angrychick

Thank you AC! What exactly is it that doesn't sit right in L16?
 — grneyeddevil

hi, it's the I need a weed bit. But if everyone else likes it including you don't change it just for me. Like I said it is a matter of taste. I just felt it sounded out of place, maybe the way it's worded.
 — angrychick

Oh wow.
 — advisingaway

; ) thanks
 — grneyeddevil

this is well played and sings echoing off the Mythic mountains with the oh so Human verity that I'll love you through hell if thats what it takes and this makes it simply divine -- l14 - 15 are awesome too -- and the weed works to provide contrast
 — AlchemiA

Thanks Alchemia. This is the first thing I could manage to write after the "one" and I broke up.
 — grneyeddevil

The second either of you two little piss-ants concoct a tangible piece of writing, I'll eat my fucking cactus. Don't you have anything better to do? Isn't there a cartoon on you should be watching or something?
 — grneyeddevil

So how many accounts do you have on here?
 — grneyeddevil

Brilliant ! I love this! Extremely well written.  
 — Inspire

So Marius isn't you as well? Thinly veiled Anne Rice nom de plumes? Yes you can never have too many cacti poems!

Thanks Inspire. Much appreciated!
 — grneyeddevil

that's sweet. much like the ever flowing juice of cactus dribbling from the lips of a desert nomad, lost and looking for love from sharp prickly pets.
 — grneyeddevil

Lovely poem devil! Love lost....such a shame.
 — sophisticunt

Oh now, I wouldn't want to rip off someone else's muse!

Thanks sophisticunt! I look forward to seeing something new by you soon. It's been awhile.
 — grneyeddevil

Maybe soon but I can't seem to get much feedback on the poems I have posted already. You and a few others are the only ones that seem to be interested. Ciest la vie!
 — sophisticunt

Why does this poem offend you?
 — Inspire

First class work.
 — unknown

I don't really understand this poem (although my Father does and it makes him laugh) but I like how it's written and the references to the bible.
 — Linnac

lovely.  i was still iffy on the last two lines (just because calling out for the weed is just SO good) but... mythic proportions.. adam and eve reference... i dig it.

sexy. =]
 — peace

I ran into problems with this one straight away, by the second line in fact.

“Between you and me living” which of you is for the chop?

Mor.
 — unknown

Mutual chop but her axe ran deeper
She brought it up first then I decided she was a keeper
So I drank till dawn and gushed from my peepers
And wrote sappy poems like this mother(bleeper)!
 — grneyeddevil

Definitly a top-ranked piece of wrting.
 — PaulS

Thanks Paul! I got up there a couple of times with this one.
 — grneyeddevil

jaw-dropping.
 — youlevelme

I love the urgency!  Maybe L16 you could get rid of the "and"... the rhythm would still be great... None the less, well done!
 — jpmhawk

Who are these moderators who delete honest criticisms?
That's not a "Workshop" -- thats an elaborate game of kiss-ass.

Maybe that's all anybody wants.
 — turboswami

Lot of strong lines that you draw from the creation myth, playing with it ("God-damned apple!" literally!)  

Yet there is an ambiguity about who Eve is: her tense, her legend, her...age?
A lolita you had an epic fling with...sure, it's over.
Yet you start the poem talking about the future of the relationship.
Give us a reason to love or hate her, expand on the legend a bit.

Great associations, but string the into a story.
 — turboswami

Lot of strong lines that you draw from the creation myth, playing with it ("God-damned apple!" literally!)  

Yet there is an ambiguity about who Eve is: her tense, her legend, her...age?
A lolita you had an epic fling with...sure, it's over.
Yet you start the poem talking about the future of the relationship.
Give us a reason to love or hate her, expand on the legend a bit.

Great associations, but string them into a story.
 — turboswami

for those of us steeped in the brain surrealism of mythic proportions, melting like rainbow ice cream funnelled with whim 'n vigour to our pen, where the myths are made again -- this is sweet enough to lick from the page
 — AlchemiA

i like your poem
the linestarting capitalization gives it a kind of biblical touch
i like to hear rhyming so that was a plus
the final line though i dunno kinda seemed like axl rose trying to convince the world of his relevance
i think it would help the poem to simply delete mythic proportions there
the rhythm will be fine

Hauling the weight of the world in tow
I can't let go.

nice poem
 — chuckle_s

If I had to choose
Between you and me living
And the whole world dying
I would name you Eve

I would be adamant
++++++++++

I am forced to read line four as "I would be ADAMant. Good trick with the language. I also get the idea that you are flipping the script here a bit -- you, as ADAMant being the one to "sin" by eating the apple, rather than Eve. That seems appropriate, this seems the opposite of the beginning, as you are given the choice of the world coming to its end. Instead of creating a new world with Eve, you will end the world with her. So, perhaps, the world goes out the way it came in.

I really like this.
 — RfrancisR

Good, Hi, I'm new to poetry and have two poems posted and would like some of your feed back. They're both about the Vietnam war, the titles are "Operation Taylor Common" & "Taking Chance" if you get a chance I'd appreciate your feedback. Thanks BxPR
 — BxPR

rubbish
 — unknown

This is god damn perfect.
 — Ananke

(pun intended)
 — Ananke

#1 eh?

It's very good, but I'd like to see less of the you and me and stronger characters.
 — technomancer

this is actually quite good...and i feel you too.
 — bowiegirl

This is good on so many levels. I like the attention to detail in using "ADAMant", but this poem's real genius lies on lines 2,3,8,9, and 16. You paint such a strong image, yet it manages to stay universal.

This reminds me of someone specific, thank you for the experience of this poem.
It's going on my favorites.
 — A_Forsaken

this is excellent-
I especially like lines 16-17
nICE...
 — JKWeb

Went to the archives.  Still dig it like the first coupla' times I read it.
 — JKWeb

Thanks a lot JK. Lines 16-17 were the inspiration for the rest of the poem. They were the words I wanted to say to my ex. It all just fell into place from there.
 — grneyeddevil

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chanyuan2017.09.14
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