poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Head Lice
larrylark

A blind minutiae
 1
dances in careless abandon
 2
along a hair.
 3
He’s been combed out of bed,
 4
landed from his comfortable lair,
 5
fish out of water,
 6
forced to parade outside the shade,
 7
in bold sunshine where he slows,
 8
half way comatose, while previous life is sought.
 9
Realisation then strikes, been extracted
 10
like a growth beneath the surgeons knife.
 11
 
 
Tries to pretend its not come to an end,
 12
this intrepid tight rope walker
 13
balances, stalks along one jettisoned strand,
 14
as he's tossed into the bin,
 15
his fine and glossy lifeline lost.
 16
Paid the price for each and every bite,
 17
searches for sustenance among today’s debris,
 18
choking as he tries to flea.
 19

13 Apr 08

Rated 9.5 (8) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (23): 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

ha ha. i had lice when i was nine, they were the size of rats.
 — raskolniikov

Some of the clearest, tightest writing i've seen on this site. You should be proud.
 — joshcoops

funny. and great poem
this intrepid tight rope walker, if it's meant literally, altho a great expression, may not be accurate, since their small world is just as big as ours, on another scale.
loved it, turns to human condition in the end.
 — unknown

Way funny
 — themolly

if jooshcops says you should be proud, hey, who are we to argue?
or is that cooshjops or .... never mind...... his pomes are really really
 — unknown

Head lice are the fastest expanding species currently on the planet as they have found a way to modify their genetic blue print so that they can feed off wigs and hair pieces.

Larry licensed to kill Lark
 — larrylark

Hi Joshcoops

Never proud, just trying to get on with writing the next one

Larry busy as a busy bee Lark
 — larrylark

i had lice, too, when i was small,

Larry excellent work as usual Lark.
: )
 — fractalcore

larry you've a singular style and wit writ within it -- the end is a wondrous play and the imginitive nit picking is hilarious --
 — AlchemiA

Hi raskolniikov

I once shared an apartment with a rat who thought he was a head lice as he always liked being out in fresh air.

Larry lame jokes lark
 — unknown

hi larry,

it's surgeon's knife and not like you wrote it... and "it's" on line  and not...

Apart from that, i like the idea of a poem...
 — greenmantle

Dear themolly

I'm so pleased this little ditty amused you. Round my neck of the woods we are under constant threat from the pesky little creatures.

Larry itchin' an' bitchin' lark
 — larrylark

You remind me of the modern day Ogden Nash without all that constant forced rhyming.  The end line is your typical crazy sense of humor and it shines right through.  I love your poetry, Larry I wonder what shampoo he's using Lark.  I love YOU too!  :-)
 — starr

Larry, thank you so much for making me laugh. it does indeed pick up at the end with the brilliant line sixteen, and good usage of flea ...

you had lulled me so peacefully in the first stanza, and i think that calmness helped the humor stand out even more.

i love the humor. perhaps that may ironically not sound lovely, as there is no use in repeating oneself when the obvious has already been said,

but. this is a great piece. your words are so pleasant and perfect. that is hard to do. eh, not for you, but ... well ...
 — listen

oh, and i forgot to point out the effectiveness of those little twe ak s. they didn't put a gap in the quality of the poem at all.

you know what i'm talking about, of course; please keep doing that. it is ever so grand, and that ain't sarcastic.
 — listen

Hi fractalfore

I also had small lice when i was big.

Larry large Lark
 — unknown

Dear starr

I remind myself of Graham Nash the high pitched crooner with The Hollies and Crosby Still et al espec. when I'm in the bath and squeezing my testicles to reach the high notes

Larry golden balls Lark
 — larrylark

AWESOME
funny as hell (the flea)!

I hate lice.
Great, now I'm itchy!
thanks larry.
 — jenakajoffer

Love the play on words with "fleas". Nicely done.

~Daisy Jones
 — unknown

It's a bit dull really...
 — Linnac

Dear Linnac

Of course its dull to have head lice but they love shiny hair, sliding down as if they were on a helter skelter. Feel free to give me as many 1's as you please and never mistake me for a guy who gives a fuck

Larry keeper of small pets Lark
 — larrylark

tries to "flea"... FUNNY!  Good one!
 — aforbing

wrong lain lice goes where with chickie bars

blues ree
 — chuckle_s

Geez, you're a good writer, Larry.  Great stuff.  Thanks.
 — CervusWright

pubic lice are much more resilient
 — unknown

Imwouldn't know as i steer a path far far away from other peoples naughty bits

Larry fastideous Lark
 — larrylark

clever ending :)
 — technomancer

The pun made me groan, but hey, you've always been the fake cigar and rubber nose guy around here, the way I figure.

I can't exactly put my finger on why, maybe it's too minute, but "while previous life is sought" bothers me.  It feels out of touch.

Good stuff, though.
 — aurelius

I think you are right. I will fondle my fake cigar and smoke my rubber nose while contemplating the changes you suggest. Thanks again for your close observations

Larry the spy in the corner hiding behind a woodbine and half a pint of mild Lark
 — larrylark

I love the ending, and i love the break.
 — MCulyer

a little over-stylized, not really tight enough to be good light verse -- sort of comes off as drama, but melodramatic, but a parody of Wagner, maybe. what would be wonderful is to know the lice digging into your head, biting into your brain, and seeing your brain from your seeing the lice's point of view -- that's a kind of new Czech move from the beginning of the 20th century, but it always comes off as bright -- it removes the dialog from 'me feel' and takes it into 'nothing makes sense but allegory anymore', and, depending on the word-moves of the poet, can brighten the reader's mind out of the desperation of being owned by an aristocracy... if you know what i mean. the aristocracy here is some kind of Dryden Mechanics, where it's as though someone expects that a poem like this has to be written in a wordy and self-indulgent style -- they do, for Dryden, but he had more word tools than we -- he could address a really literate reader and not have to make everything comprehensible to everyone.

i'll give a ten, so that this stays up high on the top, but it's really only a 5 work, to my mind. i think with hard core editing, where you looked for the real idea behind this, you could find a poem here, and, certainly, with your talent, could write it out.
 — trashpoodle

daer trashpoodle

Thank you for your brilliance

Larry my eyes are dim Lark
 — unknown

its not?
 — unknown

Is it not? Well I'll be a cayote dog howlin' at the prairie moon.

Larry wuff wuff Lark
 — larrylark

You sure you want rhymes?  Parade/shade?  The poem is an upbeat thing, the rhyme took me out of the flow.  Plus if he slows he won't parade.  Halfway is one word?  realization strikes, extracted--need one less fancy word as a replacement
tightrope--if intentional spacing wordplay is a no no because you write in narrative, it's like using a pun in conversation
why jetitisoned, cut cut
for each bite
shit man flea pun no no, thats for soccer moms
 — bykguy2000

Larry, I love your sense of humor, including even the smallest and most mundane of creatures!  The last line stops the reader for a moment, very creative.
 — Isabelle5

Larry itchin' and bitchin' Lark!!!!  Does Opal laugh in her sleep?  You are one funny man!
 — Isabelle5

This is a rather disgusting topic for poetry don't you think?  Why mix nasties such as lice with poetry?
 — Reverend

Hi Isabelle

acyually I'm an itchy bitchy sort of guy

Larry the scratch Lark
 — larrylark

Hey oh holy reverend, with a name like yours you should love all creatures great and small

larry I write as i find Lark
 — larrylark

My goodness, that's an awful joke as the last line. Made me laugh.
 — Linnac

Hi linac

whoooo,,,,you are awful but Larry loves you

Larry flea in his ear Lark
 — larrylark

I like the build up to the last line-
very clever..
nICE lee dunn
 — JKWeb

why do you hate classic verse?
 — trashpoodle

ignore poodle. he is a cunt.
best way.
 — unknown

but, a cunt who knows poetry and can write about it.
 — trashpoodle

wrong. you're just a cunt, who knows fuck all.
 — unknown

The pun at the end made me chuckle. The alliteration is wonderful.
 — ishtarboy300

HA! ok this is great. a poem on lice. who woulda thunk it.
 — mandolyn

Larry flees the scene

Larry small bite Lark
 — larrylark

LOL

trumping donald . . .  trump

My name is Nechamah
 — unknown

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