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You're more beautiful in writing
musicwords

I swallowed her down for the pleasure of choking her back up,
 1
sitting in the long evenings,
 2
reluctant fingers spinning rope from her hair,
 3
fashioning a noose to kick my chair out from under.
 4
 
 
Every time we kiss I leave my skull
 5
and I am her tongue,
 6
her teeth,
 7
the sticky air she gasps into me.
 8
My fingers are her spine and we contort together,
 9
arching under the weight of my touch,
 10
vertebrae moaning softly as her eyes close against the shudder,
 11
starting slow but rippling faster and faster,
 12
dashing for my mouth,
 13
another kiss,
 14
a sigh so long I forget I exist.
 15
 
 
But daylight is the thief of certainty,
 16
while my cautious heart grasps at dissolving hours
 17
her fingers are clenched around normality,
 18
so I try to forget her
 19
over and over again
 20
 
 
and she lets me.
 21
 
 
I catch myself running alone,
 22
even the road is not beneath me any more,
 23
but she is sitting by some silent shore,
 24
watching me ripple the surface with my outcries,
 25
inappropriate admissions,
 26
her fingers in her ears, toes in the water,
 27
decidedly
 28
pointedly
 29
forgetting me for good.
 30

15 Apr 08

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
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Comments:

So great. So perfect. Oh my
 — themolly

How touching, molly. Thank you.

x
 — musicwords

excellent writing, A. I've returned to read this many times. Line 20 is a brilliant lower-hook. It begs so many tasty questions. And your final strophe allows the reader just enough of a glimpse, but not too much.

Perhaps reconsider those very long lines. I think some of them could be broken in more arresting ways: short, choppy, to match part of the mood. Also, you might want to end l 4 with "chair." The prepositions are unneccessary. We get it.

Strong yet restrained, to my senses.
 — banditfemme

Nice , i would drop " I know this is raw "
like banditemme said ( wish i could find her poems ) condense some lines like 11 and 17
love 21 22
line 5 i read on its own , Don't like and in 6
Nice poem.
 — sir_I_clan

Banditfemme - Coming from you, your comments are especially wonderful. Thank you for the support. I agree with the bits you like and dislike and will be revising accordingly. Thank you for making this a favourite, it means a lot.

sir_I_clan -So glad this pleased you too. I will be dropping the footnote when I revise. Happy you enjoyed, and saw fit to comment so pleasantly.

x
 — musicwords

Again, one of your poems completely describes something I've experienced in life as well. This is so beautiful because of its reality.
 — Mellows

A fine example of honest writing -- while many among us are tempted to lay our pome-skins against skeletons of strict coherence, you have shown us a human being cracked against the sidewalk in bloody crumbs of wanting.
 — OKcomputer

still so beautiful...
 — themolly

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