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such beauty
Aziel

Factory sounds on loudspeakers
 1
set to a ferocious, violent
 2
melody.  Her name was Melody.
 3
I smiled uncomfortably
 4
twitching, signaling urgency
 5
of departure
 6
as she rambled
 7
about the departure
 8
of her lover in Iraq.
 9
 
 
I didn't realize
 10
his departure
 11
was a tad more permanent
 12
than her smile let on.
 13
she tattooed his ashes
 14
into her leg, in the form
 15
of an eerie tree,
 16
told me it was the closest
 17
to consumption
 18
she could consummate.
 19
 
 
I would be
 20
that eager, loud-mouth girl
 21
with that creepy, ashy tree
 22
if it meant I could achieve
 23
such love
 24
for anyone
 25
that loved me as much.
 26

26 Apr 08

Rated 8.4 (7.4) by 9 users.
Active (9): 8, 8, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

no one has commented on this??

i like the use of both departures, however
i would probaby just say "signaling urgent departure" rather than throwing in the bumpy "of".

really damn good,
fantastic ending too
=-)
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

lyricism meanders this Poem into the story of love lost here -- the Poem is complete with the last strophe a personal view -- both 'departures' attach the first and second strophe like two opposing pages of a book -- such beauty is in your inWORDS out
 — AlchemiA

Great poem--fabulous ending, outstanding title--what more can I say!
 — PaulS

I appreciate your careful repetitions and near repetitions, beginning with the tune and the girl. That device triggers a certain sense of familiarity ( for me, at least) I think, however, you could refrain from using "departure" three times.

Your title befits the poem; it is a creature of beauty.
 — banditfemme

eerie, this stings in a great way
 — sherains

Honest, beautiful and poignant writing; sad too.  :-(  
 — starr

Banditfemme--

I thought about what you said, but I can't change any of the departures without it looking funky.
 — Aziel

you dont seem to be into unconditional love. we all throw the love word around and have various ideas as to what that really means.
 — unknown

When I love someone, I love them unconditionally.  I just have this thing called "pride".
 — Aziel

I wonder if you could change the first melody to something else that defines music but does not immediately go to Melody, the name of the girl.  A very strong sense of life/action and death/illusion.  I don't know if I can explain what I mean, it's just what I feel reading this.  Ashes as tattoo, as art, like eating the brain of your enemy, taking in the dead to remember them, consumption is the right word exactly.  That's ancient art from our primitive beginnings.
 — Isabelle5

I think melody/Melody flows well enough as it is.  I'm working on trying to fix the three "departures" without making the flow awkward and forced.  I'm surprised you didn't mention that instead.

The girl told me she'd promised him that shew would eat his body when she died, jokingly.  When they brought home his ashes, she couldn't bring herself to actually do it, so she took a drawing of a tree he'd sketched when he was bored and tattooed it into her leg.
 — Aziel

amazing. taut, and moving. i like the writing, and i like the huge subject dealt with in such a way that remindsme why we love. Brilliant
 — crimsonkiss

Look at this poem go!  It was 15 this morning, moved up to 12!  Good job
 — Isabelle5

Who is intolerant, Ija?  
 — Isabelle5

17-19 wonderful
 — kitkat

she said my contraption
was the closest thing
to contraception
she had ever seen


unconsummated st3ntorian
 — unknown

dicks.
 — unknown

Glad this made #2!
 — sherains

sad attempt to sound like my poetry.
 — OKcomputer

such beauty.
: )
 — fractalcore

Ok, computer.
 — Aziel

nice to see your poem up here, Az.
 — jenakajoffer

(:
 — Aziel

this is superb.. the observation of sentiment is wonderful..
 — Mongrol

Concerning your opening phrase, I know it’s far from unprecedented, but to me, cutting out a verb, thereby creating a sentence fragment, is not usually a good thing to do. There are, of course, exceptions, but I don’t see the need here.
I like the melody bookends of line 3. I don’t like the twice repeated departure. I find it to be just a tad tedious, even gimmicky, though departure is maybe the main theme here.
Uncomfortably is a telling adverb. It’s better to give a showing verb.
Eerie tree is also telling. I don’t get an image here. What about the tree is eerie? Describe it and others may agree with you; still more might find it poignant and/or beautiful. Know what I mean? Allow your readers to see, even if they come to different conclusions.
L12A- a tad more?
I might find lines 18 and 19 to be clever, if I only knew what they are supposed to mean. Oh, I can come up with something, I guess. But I would rather see some simplicity, some honesty here.
L22- creepy---see eerie.
L26- consider who instead of that.
Bringing in what this means to you diminishes the impact of the girl, the tattoo. This is a good and worthy story, but you are not an interest. If you are not an interest, you are a distraction. In this poem, the scene and the main character need to be better developed. I’m sorry that I don’t share in the enthusiasm as most of your other readers.
 — unknown

Why do you feel the need to qualify your crit with an apology 'unknown'?

Your suggestions and input was probably enough... anything else is a commentary away from the poetry and directed towards other people here.

Whether you share the same degree of enthusiasm or not with other people here is irrelevant.
 — Mongrol

Thanks for your concern, Mongrol, but my attitude towards other people was likely formed before you were born. I will continue to decide for myself what is necessary.
 — unknown

"Thanks for your concern, Mongrol, but my attitude towards other people was likely formed before you were born. I will continue to decide for myself what is necessary.
— unknown "

Another irrelevant statement.

You may continue as you wish, and I will continue to remind you that your opinion is unimportant and meaningless.

My advice remains the same... stick to the poetry.
 — Mongrol

My critique was for this author, Mr. Mongrol, as was my token of courtesy.
I understand that you will learn your lessons (or not) without any help from me.
 — unknown

The end of your so-called 'critique' was clearly a swipe at other commentators here.

No one is interested in your comparisions of self to other.

The word irrelevant applies to you most pleasingly.
 — Mongrol

Now shush... stop cluttering up the poem critical space with your waffle.

:)
 — Mongrol

Ah, now I see. You feel slighted, and so you speak for everyone.
Concerning our respective critiques, I don't feel that my opinion is any more or less helpful to this author, but it is as relevant.
As for clutter, I think you're besting me in the post-critique line-count. But okay, I'll stop.
 — unknown

Beautiful.
 — stackpop

Just had to read this again (and again and again.)  Beautiful again (and again and again.)  
 — starr

forgot to fave this.
: )
 — fractalcore

or not. it's already in my list.
good to read this again.
: )
 — fractalcore

A violent melody. Maybe a little gleefully nihilistic, but not violent.

A violent melody is usually achieved through dissonance played hard. That's what creates the minor key. Dissonance is not the same as the cacophonous clang of machinery; it implies that there's background music somewhere in there. But on the whole, it has nothing to do with the story; and as setting, it doesn't really make sense. It's without context for this to take place in a factory, much less a factory that's playing the crescendo of a symphony in C minor.
 — Cerulise

Lol, industrial music.  You never have thought outside the box.
 — Aziel

there are too many adjectives and adverbs in this......not that they are always bad, but they are used here as shortcuts, because it is the easiest way to say something.
 — joshcoops

But still-- how does it pertain to talking with Melody?
 — Cerulise

What a sill premise.
 — unknown

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