Under a sunny sky
on a silence struck hillside
with you alongside
and content to be unaware
of how much I’ve come to care.
I am oft off searching for, but ever eluded by
words that could convey
what I find too terrifying to say.
I don’t believe my fear for nought;
I’ve heard of the damage other fools have wrought,
and I am careful
not to do that to you.
So here I stand,
your quiet, gentle man,
close but distant, too.
Don’t get me wrong,
I think we’d belong,
I just don’t believe that you do.
11 May 08
Rated 8.7 (8.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 9, 10
Inactive (3): 7, 7, 10, 10, 10
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maybe, and this is an enjoyable poem, the "convey" in 7 might be modulated to a related sound-form? the "best" is floating the tone and the "ay" kills the vowel in "best". "words that could convey" would also have a stronger feeling. the form of a poem isn't the poem, and these forms were invented in novelty, and aren't a fact of nature. sometimes the form lets us down.
I adore this. It's sentimental, though not sappy. It's a bit cliche without the overused terminology. Just a poem that every person can in some way relate to themselves. Whether they are the man, or the non believer. It's lovely. Truly a good read.
I made a few changes based on joey's comments - lines 7 and 8 were a problem. Thank you Porcelain, glad you found it enjoyable..
nice, but it took a good few reads.
i have a problem with line 4 beginning with "and",
as i am hoping to read "i am content"
or something more personal of that nature.
i love the quiet gentleness of the words in this poem.
you have a nice writing style that is personal and easily related.
nice to find you.
Thank you kindly.. I can't change it to read what you expect, because she is/was unaware - not me. I did add "I am .. " to the beginning, to make the first five lines form a sentence rather than a fragment.. That may reduce the need to give it a few good reads.
I have one small nit-pick with this. I think it would be a stronger read without the first word of every line capitalized. Other than that, this is very good work.
I agree... it's messy looking down the left.
the first line cap is traditional, and this author is surfing "poetry-days-of-old". probably he doesn't understand why the first line needs capping in a poem like this, so i'd just let it go. he's playing with modular pieces and experimenting with poem-legos, while singing some romantic song by cherl croak -- it makes him feel poetic.
Gentle easy enjoyable and would reach something in most people except of course complete and utter fools who never even would notice a silent hillside.
larry, blind-mice, lark, this poem is a hillside with a holiday inn built on it. larry, i invent quiet hillsides.
"don't get me wrong, i think we belong" is just trite thinking and lazy writing. ok for a glamorous facade for the motel, but the interior is strictly motel.
better to write like you really believe in writing than to write for fuck.
I find that the writing conveys a passive kind of man, just the type who will be thought of as a friend, nothing more. As such, I think you've caught the spirit of that really well. Now, if you grab her, kiss her hard, shock her out of the complacency, then you'll have a new kind of poem completely.
Passive men annoy women, makes us want to shake them, get some response.