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Dear Friend
InvictusAmor

Under a sunny sky
 1
on a silence struck hillside
 2
with you alongside
 3
and content to be unaware
 4
of how much I’ve come to care.
 5
I am oft off searching for, but ever eluded by
 6
words that could convey
 7
what I find too terrifying to say.
 8
I don’t believe my fear for nought;
 9
I’ve heard of the damage other fools have wrought,
 10
and I am careful
 11
not to do that to you.
 12
So here I stand,
 13
your quiet, gentle man,
 14
close but distant, too.
 15
Don’t get me wrong,
 16
I think we’d belong,
 17
I just don’t believe that you do.
 18

11 May 08

Rated 8.7 (8.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 7, 9, 10
Inactive (3): 7, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

maybe, and this is an enjoyable poem, the "convey" in 7 might be modulated to a related sound-form? the "best" is floating the tone and the "ay" kills the vowel in "best".  "words that could convey" would also have a stronger feeling. the form of a poem isn't the poem, and these forms were invented in novelty, and aren't a fact of nature. sometimes the form lets us down.
 — joey

I adore this. It's sentimental, though not sappy. It's a bit cliche without the overused terminology. Just a poem that every person can in some way relate to themselves. Whether they are the man, or the non believer. It's lovely. Truly a good read.
 — Porcelain_Lo

I made a few changes based on joey's comments - lines 7 and 8 were a problem.  Thank you Porcelain, glad you found it enjoyable..
 — InvictusAmor

nice, but it took a good few reads.
i have a problem with line 4 beginning with "and",
as i am hoping to read "i am content"
or something more personal of that nature.

i love the quiet gentleness of the words in this poem.
you have a nice writing style that is personal and easily related.

nice to find you.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Thank you kindly..  I can't change it to read what you expect, because she is/was unaware - not me.  I did add "I am .. " to the beginning, to make the first five lines form a sentence rather than a fragment..  That may reduce the need to give it a few good reads.
 — InvictusAmor

lovely.
 — jenakajoffer

I have one small nit-pick with this.  I think it would be a stronger read without the first word of every line capitalized.  Other than that, this is very good work.
 — PaulS

I agree... it's messy looking down the left.
 — InvictusAmor

the first line cap is traditional, and this author is surfing "poetry-days-of-old". probably he doesn't understand why the first line needs capping in a poem like this, so i'd just let it go. he's playing with modular pieces and experimenting with poem-legos, while singing some romantic song by cherl croak -- it makes him feel poetic.
 — joey

Gentle easy enjoyable and would reach something in most people except of course complete and utter fools who never even would notice a silent hillside.
 — larrylark

larry, blind-mice, lark, this poem is a hillside with a holiday inn built on it. larry, i invent quiet hillsides.

"don't get me wrong, i think we belong" is just trite thinking and lazy writing. ok for a glamorous facade for the motel, but the interior is strictly motel.

better to write like you really believe in writing than to write for fuck.
 — joey

I find that the writing conveys a passive kind of man, just the type who will be thought of as a friend, nothing more.  As such, I think you've caught the spirit of that really well.  Now, if you grab her, kiss her hard, shock her out of the complacency, then you'll have a new kind of poem completely.

Passive men annoy women, makes us want to shake them, get some response.
 — Isabelle5

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