| Understanding Orin 101
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starr
| I want you sad, | 1 |
preferably in leather | 2 |
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my lost lips | 3 |
tracing the corners | 4 |
of your dark, | 5 |
dirty mouth. | 6 |
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I want you just the way you are- | 7 |
zoned out on Klonopin, | 8 |
at war with yourself | 9 |
and the rest of the world | 10 |
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my frozen fingers finding warmth | 11 |
in the deliberate depths | 12 |
of your punk-ass pockets. | 13 |
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For D. Bowes with love. |
24 May 08 |
Rated 8.7 (8.4) by 22 users.
Active (22): 1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 3, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(114 more poems by this author)
(6 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
11 -- "just as you are" maybe scans better? then, "the angry, hateful state" wouldn't need "you're in", cause the colon shows what's what anyway? and "in" and "colonopin" seem constipated, or at least contrived and obvious.
so many nice things in this, so nicely written. i'm thinking how it is that if we're bent enough by life, and have word talent, that our wording will faithfully reflect our life's experience -- in the wording, the form, the way the words play on and with each other in the poem.
nice writing.
— joey
sploof. it occurred to me, only as i pressed submit, that this might be one of yours -- intuition only, cause it's not a cover of anything i've seen before.
mike
— joey
my first read was aghast and gathered me to the complexities of human endearment -- needed to lookup the anxiety drug of choice as these are not in my social language scape -- yet you've profiled the broken and marginalized in the intense sense wrappings of desire but a desire that forgives every fallen fear and wretchedness as part of the humanity that you are -- grace and fragility permeates this piece with desire the fuel of feelings that the kiss is the action of real absolution and just plain humanity in the simple art of connecting -- sweet!
— AlchemiA
Mike and AlchemiA, THANKyou! I am honored by your ratings and appreciation of this poem. Mike, I took out "just the way you are" that was the original L11. As for the "in's" in L's 11 & 12, of COURSE they're contrived and obvious! I don't mess around! :-)
— starr
The 101 in the title also reflects my 101st poem on P.C. I had 2.B. clever about that. :-)
— starr
the beginning turned me off, luckily it was short though, so i finished it. i like part 2. ahh, at last! my initials are d.b.
— dustybottoms
Glad u liked Pt. 2, D.B.! Cool that you got the same initials! Hopefully you're not the same punk-ass I'm writin' about! :-)
— starr
the in-in, they're too obvious, starr. sumwun's got to tell you...
you're a genius, but sometimes when we invent we mix genres and maybe it's because we think in ink, no one's going to, through, read our work, urk.
the rhymes have to be pretty internal for this kind of wording... letting the reader find it on his own.
— joey
LOL! I'm FAR from a genius, Mike, but thanks 4 the compliment. :-)
— starr
best you start acting in public like the genius you are, cause it will push us further. it's not like the poems write you, you know.
— joey
God, you're beautiful! No, the poems don't write ME. I write the poems! I'm sensing a Barry Manilow song right now for some reason...Not sure if that's a good thing though. :-)
— starr
Thanks Andrew! :-)
— starr
a fine piece of writing starr. The last stanza is fabulous.
— PaulS
Paul, thanks, buddy! :-) Hope u guyz are enjoying the Holiday weekend!
— starr
What a great find! I love this, beginning to end. It's exactly what I'd say, if I had written it first!
— unknown
Thanks Unknown! What a great compliment to my writing! :-)
— starr
Joey, I just yanked out "the angry hateful state you're in" in order that I may do away with the "in's." Does it read better now, do you think?
— starr
naw, there's a harmonic hole in this now. it's needing the extra look-out-the-window while you read this.
probably, too, a comma after "dirty" or else drop the one after "dark"?
— joey
I went a step further and switched up the lines a little bit so as to improve the flow too. I wasn't feelin' the "Clonopin" line where I initially had it. I think it feels better now. :-)
— starr
that's better, as i read it. i think you can switch dimensions at line 12 -- really give yourself to the reader instead of this "you" joe.
like, "my fingers warm your punk-ass pockets."
— joey
Like that? :-O
— starr
maybe, though it's not really how you write. and probably a double line after world. thanks for taking me seriously though. i meant it, but i'm not you and couldn't write as you. it's more for your idea of poetry... like, once in a while i'll see some line or some visual style that looks like what i'm trying to do, but hadn't done yet.
— joey
You're right. That wasn't me. That was you. This is me. :-)
— starr
i think the one thing which i said that was helpful was that you have to give more to the reader, and not just report your feelings about some third party or place you visited. and, getting to the point where you start working on more than one level -- calling out of other dimensions, where there's a dialog in your head between two manners of writing -- each voicing in the most wonderful way, and then wrestling them into the poem -- well, that's maybe after a long time of writing, where you simply stop letting the writing do the work for you.
like they say, "it's so easy to write a poem that you don't even have to think about it". they say lots of stuff.
— joey
Amen, brotha. Thanks for stoppin' by. :-)
— starr
STarr!!! Whoo HOOO! I had no idea! Another gem from your often unpredictable repetoire.
— unknown
wats clonopin?
— bear
Clonopin is a highly addictive anti-anxiety/depression med, Bear. More recently, it's become a "street" drug.
— starr
soo is it a psycodelic? cause if not i feel there could be better word choice than "tripped out"... if its anything like xanax u could use zoned out.
— bear
all tripped out on fluoride here!
zesty, but universal because of the mention of pockets, a lasting image.
— QBaskerville
Great work Starr! The first two stanzas are fantastic.
— grneyeddevil
Gotcha, Bear. "Zoned out" it is. Clonopin is not pyschedelic. It's clinical and is available on the streets as well as by Rx. I see and appreciate your point. Have fun with those teeth! Q and grneyedevil...thanks 4 da props 2! :-)
— starr
i like the nihilistic coolness 'i don't care what you think nah nah nah' if this piece...
... and it's sexy too... kinda gropey, feeling something in those pockets...
gets my thumbs up for the sk8r boi creds
— Mongrol
if = of
— Mongrol
wow, this is yours Starr?
i love the strong voice and how it demands my attention,
it's forceful and sexy and totally in your face.
this is very refreshing and full of attitude! i love it.
(L12: read easier to me as "and the rest of the world").
great job, shitdawg!
=-)
— jenakajoffer
Mongrol, THANKyou for those awesome comments and Jen (xxoo), thank YOU too for yours. I changed the preposition in L12 from "with" to "and." I am 1 happy shitdawg today because of you both! Peace! :-)
— starr
Ma bad. "And" is a conjunction, not a preposition. Not enuff coffee/cigarettes (yet) today. :-) Anyway, Jen, thanks for those musical ears of yours 4 catchin' that.
— starr
ah now i cannot find a flaw in this. i dare say a perfect ten. cheers.
— bear
Thanks, Bear! Cheers back'atcha! :-)
— starr
what a sweet, sensitive love poem...
— unknown
Jump in my head??? It's me who should be asking this favor of you. Good one.
— section4
We can always just TRADE HEADS for a couple of days, Section 4. Thanks 4 the sweet compliment back. :-)
— starr
Orin didn't have a washing machine, D.L. and I know what happened with the 101...I deleted an older poem that I wasn't feelin' anymore. So we'll just let the 101 in this poem represent the course level of understanding him in general, because understanding Orin was Higher Education (of sorts) in itself. Thanks, D.L.! :-)
— starr
i want you,hone ur poems with prose,learn abit of english and make better markings than tis turtle in e drain.
— unknown
I don't believe it is I who needs to "learn a bit of English." Art thou who needeth to work on that. Surely you can muster up a higher degree of literacy than what you're displaying here. Stop listening to so much Hip Hop. It makes you look really stupid.
— starr
i am not too fond of "lost lips", seems like not the right place for this mouth.. i'd prefer these lips to be tough, not weak.
what does the title mean?
good poem.
— unknown
love it
— markfelician
Thanks unknown. The title is about Orin, a friend of mine back home in Massachusetts whom I haven't seen in about 8 years. He moved down South somewhere. To know him was to love him; to understand him was a science (of sorts.) Hence, "lost lips." Markfelican, glad u love it, buddy. Thanks! :-)
— starr
just enough edge - though don't get too sentimental.
— opal
Thanks opal. :-)
— starr
wow. i thought i commented on this piece,
starr i am gonna sue you as the first line of your poem has been seriously haunting me ever since i read it. this is what i call a complete poem.
D.B must be delighted.
— trochee
Troch! What an AWESOME compliment! LOL! You can sue me, but y'won't get much! I'm a povery-stricken American. :-)
— starr
p.s. D.B. doesn't even know I wrote this. I haven't seen him in about seven years. It's more like something that was written in his honor; something I had to get out of my system. :-)
— starr
isn't it spelled klonopin??
— humblebee
Humblebee, thank you. It is spelled indeed with a "k." My mistake. :-)
— starr
preferably sad definitely in leather
love it !
— unknown
Thanks, unknown. :-)
— starr
This poem is GREAT!
— unknown
I knew an Orin once. beautiful!
— moah384
Thank you, moah. It's a cool name! :-)
— starr
gross.
— unknown
If it's so gross how come it was Top Rated #1 3x and sat at #1 Top Rated for the past 5 days? YOU'RE gross.
— starr
Thanks, Andrew for your typically and strangely refreshing props. :-) I really didn't expect it to do as well as it did, but am happy that it did well. It's an honor when that happens here to 1 of your pieces. :-)
— starr
The wonders of kiss assing have to seen to be realised, I believe you are into assing
— unknown
(Smooch.) Stop hatin'. And btw, I don't have to kiss ass because I get what I want by being honest and workin' my ass off for it. When I signed on last night it was there out of nowhere, not that you even deserve this much of a retort.
— starr
I find the slobbering over this strange. Reads like graffiti. Loveless.
— unknown
That's fine, but you're not the one who knew Orin, who wrote this for Orin or even felt the scope of emotions that went with the poem. Thanks again for hating. It's what makes this world such a beautiful place. :-)
— starr
I'm guessing only about 100 people knew Orin, even figuring in the Kevin Bacon multiplier. I don't hate poems or poets. I just found this to be distasteful and trite. Don't take it personal, you got plenty of huzza's.
— unknown
Oh, okay. Then thanks. :-) I thought you were hatin' and I'm very sensitive to haters. Now I'm happy (again.) I like nice people in my world. Peaceout.
— starr
Starr, do not pay attention to anyone who tells you, "don't take it personal." If they don't know that the word should be personally, what else don't they know?
— unknown
I'm agreeing with the negative crits here but not as forecefully I suppose. this Waltens on crack type of writing might appeal to the gentler sex and our gay brethren certainly but it seems more titilation then texture to me
— zylan
how did i miss out on this one?
i hate me.
: )
— fractalcore
Wow! Thanks Frac! It first was posted in May. :-) Zylan, we're all entitled to our opinions. That's what makes us different. And Orin didn't do Crack. He did Klonopin. #1 Again! Thanks, everyone! Means a lot and I appreciate it. :-)
— starr
absolutly fantastic
— unknown
I've read this a few times without commenting. There are so many comments already so not a lot to add. But after coming back to this, I've discovered it's been hanging around my thoughts without me realizing it and now feels familiar in a good way. Sexy, compassionate, direct. I like it.
— smugzy
hmm
well the sentiment is soft and touching to be sure, kudos on that. but the construction is almost too predictable. was orin predictable, and this is the reason for the linebreaks? seems to me that really, i've understood more about the speaker here, than orin. suppose they are the same, some type of schizoid entity writing a poem to themself, seeing themself revealed as someone else as they write it out.
i'd change a couple things to push the intensity a little, but that's just what i'd do. such as
of your dark --
dirty mouth.
all zoned on Klonopin;
war with yourself
the rest of the world
frozen fingers
finding warmth:
the deliberate depths
these things maybe pull the affair into a more lucrative translation, allowing for more interpretation, and giving, perhaps, a little more dimension to what "Orin" is, and how we are to "understand".
nice poem
— chuckle_s
Smugzy, thanks again for your nice comments and Chuckles, thanks too. I'll have 2 ponder your suggestions. The personal pronouns are important here so as not to confuse the two characters of the poem. :-)
— starr
You have me sad and in a cocky haze
I do not know where I go from here
Would you really set all my thoughts ablaze
or would I just shrivel up in fear.
— unknown
i like your poem, just found it so overt, is all.
— chuckle_s
Why, thanks, Chuckle_s. That's how I write. I don't want people to need a key or a legend to have to tune into what I'm saying. I've always favored overtness in my writings. I want people to relate not walk away clueless. :-)
— starr
I like the characterization and the intensity.
— unknown
i think you have a tremendous voice. there is a lot i like about this, but something is a bit off and it's hard for me to put my finger on it.
maybe: "I want you" ? (both)
maybe: "and the rest of the world" ?
maybe change "sad" to something else less general?
it could be my mood(s)
— onklcrispy
Hey, onklkrispy. Thanks 4 givin' this a sniff. 'Preciate it. :-)
— starr
Played with this Onklkrispy. Thanks again. :-)
— starr
Holy comments Batman!
I like this. Enough detail to give the reader an understanding of your personal experience with enough mystery to let us draw our own conclusions. Interesting and creative write.
Lines 9 and 10 are very intriguing.
Cheers!
— sybarite
Oh--it's been changed. I have to say I liked it better before the changes...
— sybarite
It's back 2 the original. That was scary changing it and realizing, thanks to y'all, that it was better unedited. Phew. I like it better the way it izz. Peaceout. :-)
— starr
Superb
I'm so jealous of this one its put me off my Scott's Porridge Oats
Larry Donalds Trousers Lark
— larrylark
Larry...you are tooooo freakin' funny! I'll trade you this one for "Pig Speak!" We'll just switch authorships on both poems. LOL. And of course, thanks 4 the sweet words, bro. xxoo Starr
— starr
love this poem.......it expresses a sentiment many if not most can relate too. :)
— bbielinski
Also for you pricks who provide bullshit criticism how about you grow a pair and use your name and not be a coward and hide behind anomnimity. Say what you mean and be able to stand behind it or don't say anything at all.
— bbielinski
bbielinski, thank you so much for your kind words! Don't sweat the haters. They suck. And truth be told, if they were up in my face with 1/2 that shit they spew, they'd be missin' quite a few teeth. They're only brave because they're invisible and that's one of American culture's favorite games. "The I'm Gonna Shit All Over You Because You Don't Know Who I Am or Where I Live" game. It's anonymous, invisible bravery and not only does it promote hating, it also promotes an inflammatory reaction, but that's okay. There's karmic retribution for all acts put forth in the Universe. Trust me. Every dog/every bitch has his/her day. I've seen it happen. :-)
— starr
Well bbielninski’s poetry is crap; his music is crap and his web site total crap.
Where does that get us?. Who gives shit what a funny boy thinks.
— unknown
fuck pokemon
— unknown
Speculation is fun, but believing you know the motives of all, who chose to use the unknown function, is foolish and short-sighted. Your comment about knocking out teeth is nothing short of vainglorious stupidity.
But your poem is good, really good.
— unknown
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