poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Crossings
unknown

A bone of moon, a slice of tree,
 1
a white owl floats across the sky
 2
like an echo -
 3
the tail of his hapless prey
 4
waving like a flag of surrender.
 5
 
 
A cross of white, a glitter of sun,
 6
acres of spent youth, aged
 7
to myth and intermittent prayer -
 8
tales of war, rumors of peace -
 9
a flag of honor draped across an arm.
 10
 
 
A child’s swing, a rush of wings,
 11
birdfeeder stormed by squirrel guile,
 12
a patient rocking chair that waits
 13
on a porch with white trim,
 14
a beaded glass of tea
 15
sunning itself.
 16
 
 
A world too big to capture
 17
in one gulp - binoculars
 18
bring it close while toe bleeds
 19
from surprise contact with
 20
the too-close ground
 21
 
 
while a dark owl screeches
 22
from his branch, demanding Mother,
 23
waiting with an open mouth,
 24
while a pale snake glides
 25
up rough, white-spattered bark.
 26

6 Jun 08

Rated 8 (7.4) by 5 users.
Active (5): 9, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 4, 5, 7, 7, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Excuse me?  What pandas?
 — Isabelle5

fantastic.

forgive the arrogant word of praise, but it is very true. your style is really perfectly placed down on the page.

nice work.
 — listen

Not bad, I liked the use of imagery.

But I think it would be better if you condensed this and made your images more powerful by cutting out S3 & S4.  Excess baggage in my opinon.

Blessed with a seven.
 — SDreamer

A very good string of poems that
can stand on their own like expanded
haikus, senryus, or "haizenkryu"s.

Cross-stitch-ings.
: )
 — fractalcore

a poet that captures Nature within words that transcribe her infinite verity can make one master piece after another -- a well rendered view from your porch with a cup of tea
 — AlchemiA

From my porch?  Mine was the toe stubbed!  I am no porch sitter!  haha  I had a King snake cross my path last week - I waited until he was 3/4's through the fence, then touched the last bit of tail very gently with the toe of my shoe.  I didn't know snakes could coil that fast!  I admit to just wanting to see what would happen.  I thought it would freeze.  
 — Isabelle5

Very well written.  I love the imagery in this piece.
 — PaulS

nice one,bitch.
 — unknown

this is really just a shopping list of stuff you saw and doesnt seem to want me to draw any conclusion about anything other than to believe that indeed someone saw something and then wrote it down for something to do
ketchup from the condiments aisle
chips in rows and rows next to crackers
cartons of milk residing hopefully
next to beautiful round bags
like beacons of hunger
squeaking rises up from the polished floor
cart crashes into middle-aisle
display. my credit card
is nfg.
 — chuckle_s

not that theres anything wrong with that
 — chuckle_s

Yes, Chuckles, it is a list of what I saw.  It also shows the connections, how all of these cross at one point, that all things alive are interwoven with each other - some preying, some prey.  
 — Isabelle5

5 - waving like a flag of surrender.
A bit weak with the word like, could replace it with a lot of stuff, waving white, a waving whimper, you know I like that alliteration.

Sound wise there are a lot of W-sounds in this one, but no distinct sound to it.

A lot of partial sentences, I think, is throwing me off.  Most of your stanzas have an opening clause with a lot of descriptive work put into the subject, and then no verb and no predicate.

Reasonably good content, interesting poem, could use a re-write with some more umph or intentions, I think? 7/10
 — technomancer

I want this to have a cadence, the heavy beat of drums at a funeral, the steady beat of a heart, the tick of a clock.  It's supposed to be partial, like blinking.  A frame, dark, another frame, dark.  I think the partial phrasing works to help me with that but I'll consider your comments, thank you.  
 — Isabelle5

Well done. You start us out with a very powerful first stanza. The fourth stanza is also quite good.
 — stackpop

It reads like a potion recipe.  I kind of like it, but I'm not sure.  Gonna hold off on a rating until I re-read it.
 — Aziel

Okay, I've read this while wide awake and have decided on how I feel about it.  You're over-describing the scenery rather than giving us depth on what you're talking about-- it seems about people coming home from war?  The first three stanzas are just you using 3-5 word phrases to describe the surroundings.  Why is the scenery so much more important than the message?  This should be called "what the area the crossings are taking place look like, maybe with some actual crossings".  I know, I know.  It's not witty.  Just driving the point home.

Read some Wordsworth.  Crap poet in terms of writing substance, but he was pretty okay at describing scenery-- that's all he wrote about.  You'd think when someone writes the same stuff all the time they'd eventually be good at it.  Go figure.
 — Aziel

I like the last stanza, but I can't say I really enjoy the rest of it at all.  Just to add.
 — Aziel

I'd be surprised if we all liked everything around here!  Thanks for the comments and yes, I can see how you'd see a 'potion recipe!'
 — Isabelle5

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