Comments:
Any suggestions?
— almasree
The main problem with this is it is almost totally abstract. Abstract words do not appeal directly to the senses. They do not indicate things you can touch, taste, feel, see, hear. You do handle words well and I hope you work out some new things, one hopes you find things like calves, hats, water, cars, baseballs, physical encounters, lies, killings, heart attacks, brain tumors, bedbugs, keyboards, dumbbells, dogs, deer, paper, wood, glue, fire, ice cream. And so on.
Also, I think this just seems to be too navel-gazy for me. I can't seem to figure out about what it is about it I should care. About, that is, or out. Probably you are talking about something I can't even see. Not the first time, if so. These lines get at me a little, I don't know why:
the government is guilty
in other lands.
Something to do with young people that should be having the right to fail, a dubious proposition at best. After an unsuccessful toss-off Shakespeare reference (I've done those too) and an entirely made up second strophe, your third strophe veers into blaming the government and we reach S4. There we find out you were asleep (presumably in this poem) and don't know which thoughts were which. Great. When you figure it out go tell someone else. You're not the only one disappointed in that ending.
I'm sorry I couldn't be more positive tonight, but you wanted a reaction and this is all I've got.
— eric
I appreciate the comments eric and I'll try to work out the kinks in the poem. But maybe you should give the poem a second chance.
That part about the government being guilty in other lands is playing around with the idea that education should be free for everyone and whether they choose to throw that opportunity away should be their choice and their choice alone. ( not the government's unwillingness to provide free education).
One day people will wake up and realise that most of what is absolute in their lives is actually nothing more than ideas that were implanted in their heads by others.....they've never come up with an original thought in their lives.....even the prejudices are borrowed. When that day comes, things will change if only on a personal level.
Thanks again, eric.
— almasree
edit
— almasree
Definitely not what I was going for. I guess its too abstract and vague to mean anything, but amazingly enough it makes perfect sense to me. The caffeine has that affect on me.
Thanks DL.
— almasree
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