poetry critical

online poetry workshop

it's something inside your head

you balance on one leg
well until you close your eyes
but you dance better
when your eyes close

19 Jun 08

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
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Inactive (1): 10, 10

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wow, that was fast! just posted, immediately commented, and a moderator on top of it like a praying mantis. whew!
 — hank

oh wow i never noticed that about standing on one leg!
you just changed my life.
 — JL

this is almost working for me. if the last line didn't have to say so much to make the poem's sense, this would be a nataraj -- shiva dancing. it has that balance which is almost not, feeling. but, the end is too humpy, too wordy.
 — joey

how do i see the comments that have been 'suspended' by a moderater? shouldn't that be up to me? i don't like the idea of moderators axeing comment's meant for me. shouldn't i be the one to decide what is a shit? i feel a bit ripped off.

just my reaction. very curious to the comments that have been nixed.
 — hank

oh, and by the way, joey, thanks, you saying 'too humpy, too wordy' in response to a short poem really does it for me, makes me think, how can i pare this down even more, (something that i work on continually).
in this case, bumpiness i'm afraid must stay, cause i worked hard on smashing.
 — hank

and JL. enjoy your yoga.
 — hank

hawnk, the klue was "say so much to make the poem's sense" -- the object is to understand how the reader will understand you, and who you want the reader to be and how to write to that reader and that reader alone. that's what makes poetry out of informed verse.

you're putting too much pressure on the last line. you're somehow thinking that you haven't explained enough in the poem. is this a private poem, a note to someone in particular -- someone who is not the universal poetry reader?

you have to use the "but" in line two, because of the nebulousness of line 4.

on your toes, well, until you close your eyes, but fall into outer, when you see the light.

which is to say, that "you balance" is not necessary, because the concept dancing allows balance, and balancing the poem's wording is the thing which we're watching You do. we can't see the dancer from the dance.
 — joey

excellent. really fruckin'good.
 — hank

i like the twist.
 — hank

woah, well, now,
you should see,
my little sissss.
 — joey

could be a result of the shyness, or just that he/she feels better the rhythm that way, concentrating exclusively on the sound, or could be like a game
 — nisetru

s'good. no reason for it not to be s'good
 — unknown


: )
 — fractalcore