poetry critical

online poetry workshop


Pupils dilate as I explain
the basic fund;us-mentals
of all that's wrong with
zig-zag breach of people's
hap(pee)-hazard tracks of
life as your foot moment-
(eh,really?) becomes
mine...overstepping is
becoming a habit.
Canada intervenes
in speech patterns
and eyebrows are
fixed-up from too
much caring as
my finger (tires) and
curves to the left....
the right already
taken by those
with trigger fingers
and rum-an'-toils
never have time
for the even-ending
They come and go;
brushing epithelials
as our DNA mixes sans-sex
and changes my life
unexpectedly as you go
about yours-
At least look at me
when we (h)ump.
I wonder if I shall ever
bump dis-located shoulders
with those who've violated
my life as much as yours;
body (guards) hard
to penetrate when
wheel chairs and cameras
aren't on stand-by.

25 Jun 08

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hmm, you're getting better with your craft, section4.
keep it up.
: )
 — fractalcore

er et yer kreft.
: )
 — fractalcore

Thanks fc, appreciate the compliment.
getting there.
 — section4

I don't understand the current poems with the words split out.  Is that a new trend in poetry?  It's extremely distracting!  
 — Isabelle5

I think you should give this one a second try Isabelle5. It's filled with double meanings for added effect. for example in the first stanza;

fund; us-mentals........could be read as fundamentals and at the same time could refer to me trying to find some explanation for how can anyone fund the mentally challenged plans of certain world leaders.

Again Hap-pee hazard.......has 3 meanings, the obvious haphazard which is the why most people live their lives...........happy hazard; how one person's pleasure is another person's pain and pee hazard; which is how some people piss on each other when they cross paths, which seems to be happening alot in this dog eat dog world.

So give it another try. Please. -)
 — section4

spelling error.......way instead of why.
 — section4

Yep, it's good. It's good.
 — OKcomputer

yep, i said so, didn't i?

how's things, OKcomputer?
: )
 — fractalcore

But don't apologize or speak for your poetry, ^(as seen above) its tacky. You're not tacky. It's tacky.

You, I like you. Your craft, I like your craft. Do you like your craft? Do you understand your craft? Then don't stoop to clarify your actions. You've done nothing wrong in the first place.

Play it fucking loud!
 — OKcomputer

no, section4 is not tacky.
: )
 — fractalcore

Interesting if somewhat obscure and convoluted take on the nut cases who ruin the world. I liked the word play.

 — larrylark

Ta(n)ck-y-(4)-u fc, Okcomputer and Larrylark.
I'm glad you liked the poem. This will probably be the last time I write one of those ^ things for a while. No apologies for ^ though. I've done nothing wrong. ;-)  
 — section4

The problem I have isn't that I can't read it and understand what it says.  It's the entire sense of the formatting.  Okay, it's just not the way I think and see things but I'm trying to be a little more lenient in my own opinion of poetry.  

You would only be able to share this as page poetry, not verbal, obviously.  

By the way, there is nothing wrong with a reader asking and nothing wrong with a poet responding.  To be asked is recognition and willingness to understand.  To clarify is only basic hospitality.  I, personally, am never annoyed to have to explain my poems, as it's nice to be asked what was in my head as I wrote.

 — Isabelle5

yes, you're right in assuming that this poem might be a little difficult to pull off in a poetry read out session but I can always give my listeners a written copy of the poem so that they can "get" all the word play. ;-)
 — section4