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Good Night, Raskolniikov
Isabelle5

Tonight, far away across the Atlantic,
 1
I eat slices of a dark chocolate orange,
 2
a taste that cannot be described
 3
(just as the contours of a woman’s soul
 4
cannot be caught on film).
 5
 
 
Alas, I can send you no picture
 6
of the luscious smoothness,
 7
the way it (she) melts
 8
slowly on your mind's tongue,
 9
like a midnight kiss.
 10
 
 
I adjust my pillows while pretending to read
 11
Suite Francaise, hoping to find you there,
 12
wondering if you are dreaming
 13
of a stranger with a very sharp pen.
 14
 
 
Sweet Dreams.
 15

26 Jun 08

Rated 10 (7.2) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 4, 5, 5, 5, 6, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

gave me a

rashonmeknob


st3ntorian
 — unknown

beautiful words.
delicious image, of the dark chocolate orange
 — nisetru

Yes, great images.  Isabelle, you have such tremendous range, I'm impressed.
 — PaulS

Ah, another victim fooled!  haha  Thank you, Paul.  
 — Isabelle5

lines 4 and 5 are just horrible
 — unknown

I happen to not agree that those lines are horrible but thanks for playing.
 — Isabelle5

isabelle5

I laughed when I read this. I like the humour. I always dream of strangers with sharp pens, the sharper the better! If you wrote this for me, then thank you, I am honoured. I mentioned to fractalcore the other week that before the rise of mass electronic communication, the poets of old used to write and dedicate poems to each other. I am glad that you and others still keep that alive. Incidently, I finished reading 'Suite Francaise' last night and I am now on the prowl for something else.
 — raskolniikov

So happy that you like it, Rash, as you are the only one who understands the little things in it!  When Ka died, someone mentioned that we didn't write about her when she lived, why do it when she died?  I thought about that a lot.  Some of us have written poems for other poets and it's a fun way to 'honor' them as a fellow poet, I think.

But I only did this because it was fun.  Sorry it got 5's and 6's but as long as you like it, I don't care about low rates.  

You could read "Good Germs, Bad Germs - Health and Survival in a Bacterial World."  That's what I'm reading currently.  Doesn't sound too exciting but if you like science and the world around you, it's very interesting.
 — Isabelle5

Nice. The first and third stanza are alright. The second though could use a few tweaks:

Alas, I can send you no picture

of the luscious smoothness,

the way it melts (I think the reader can infer the parallel between the chocolate and the woman, no need to tell them)

slowly on your tongue, (the fact that it would be in the man's imagination is implied, no need to add mind)

like a midnight kiss.

Nice draft
P.s. if you dropped the photography theme it would be a more unified piece so if the 4th and 5th lines were dropped and you changed picture in line 6 to letter . I don't think you really need to lay everything out for the reader like you did in lines 4 and 5 it is implied through out the whole poem

CeCe
 — unknown

and I understand that the photo things may be an inside joke, but if you felt like having a more universally accessible poem I would think about the revisions I mentioned above nice job

CeCe
 — unknown

Thank you, CeCe, for the comments.  It is, indeed, an inside joke.  Sorry that some things must remain obscure.  That's selfish of me, sorry.
 — Isabelle5

Were those above comments to CeCe meant to be sarcastic Isabelle5? it's hard to tell...
 — unknown

No, not meant to be sarcastic at all.  
 — Isabelle5

I love this poem.  I love Rask too.
 — unknown

yuck
 — unknown

ooh, la, la!
 — unknown

i love the writing in this is amazing...
 — brother_sun

hey, how the hell did i miss out on this one?

good suggestions, CeCe.
nice poem, Isa.

good night, rasH.

; )
 — fractalcore

the (she) is (really) quite (umm) bothersome, otherwise:

Sweet.
 — DeformedLion

line 8 should really be :   the way her cunt melts...
 — DeformedLion

That's not a word I am comfortable using, D.  It fits Raskol, that's his language at times but not mine.  I don't find it offensive to read it, as long as it's not directed at me but I can nearly always find a word I like better, especially for my own poems.  Though I think I've used it a time or two, for the poem's voice, not my own.
 — Isabelle5

Dark chocolate orange and a book, very much shades of Rask.  I like your poem.
 — sybarite

Great poem! Very sensual.
 — wordwabbit

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