poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the mention of an echo.
midare

uproot yourself. leave
 1
do not. look back again
 2
the bed-springs
 3
are broken
 4
and dangle. useless
 5
for the few things that you and i
 6
have left remaining.
 7
 
 
it feels like months, here,
 8
when you move. we argue colors,
 9
sift through photographs
 10
like seasons
 11
to find a mood
 12
or ambiance
 13
or reason.
 14
 
 
i feel like years ago, hushed and quiet;
 15
the mention of an echo.
 16

27 Jun 08

Rated 9.8 (8.3) by 7 users.
Active (7): 1, 9, 10
Inactive (14): 1, 2, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(77 more poems by this author)

(9 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

wonderful poem, midare.
i love the first stanza.
it hits me hard.  
i find the first 7 lines a powerfully expressed poem.
no need for anymore.

s'cuse my anonymity,
but i had to come in to comment on this awesome piece.
=-)
 — unknown

i think i agree with the above commenter who i think
is jenakajoffer.

hi, jen. how you been?
: )
 — fractalcore

this feels in a spectrum of colours that sift the truth of relationships scales of pain like tumours in a fatal skin -- memories are often Angels dressed in soliloquies of Death --
 — AphroDite

thank you, everyone :)

smile!
midare
 — midare

something is missing in ambiance

i guess it moved out before you did

i m going to take my ambien and sleep on your bedsprings

st3ntorian
 — unknown

This is beautifully expresed. Yearning, regret, remembrance of things past, the impossibility of renewal as we remain at the mercy of capricious emotions.

Larry adrift Lark
 — larrylark

the impossibility of renewal......yes, that's it exactly, larry.
 — midare

anyway....any suggestions on how i could make this a stronger poem?
 — midare

it's like old times, inspiring and beautiful poems by midare.

i'm going to try and give you some suggestions -

uproot yourself. do not.
look back again, the bed
spring are broken; the dangle,
useless for the few things
you and i have left
remaining.

it feels like eons, here, when
you move. we argue
colours, sift through pictures
like seasons
to find a mood, or ambiance
or reason.

i feel like years ago, hushed
and quiet; the mention
of and echo.
 — varun

springs.

they.

an.


fucking typos.
 — varun

This is a wonderful piece of writing that I just added to my favorites.  Gems like this are hard to find on this site of late--thank you for this one.
 — PaulS

I like the abrupt stops here with the periods throughout (almost as if you're thinking deeply.)  Very deep, pensive poem.  Took me back to similar times/circumstances.  
 — starr

Setting the right Ambience might help
 — unknown

good poem
 — stout

fine season for an argument.  nice pome.
 — unknown

I guess I get it, but I just don't like the style, there is no reason not to capitolize or make complete sentences aside from assaulting my sense of rhythm, I guess.

Uproot yourself.  Leave.
Do not look back again.
The bed-springs
are broken
and dangle, useless (now)
for the few things that you and I have left remaining.

It feels like months here,
when you move. (?)  We argue colors,
sift through photograbps
like seasons (what are you getting at here?)
to find a mood
or ambiance
or reason. (reason-season rhyme is pretty rough)

I feel like years ago, hushed and quiet; (verb?)
the mention of an echo (verb?)
 — technomancer

beautiful
 — jerotich

I love this, very beautiful and poignant, heavy with understated emotion.

ps: spelling - ambience not ambiance
 — smugzy

In fact, according to Roget either spelling is correct so I apologize! We favour "ambience" in the UK which is why I queried the spelling!
 — smugzy

...echo...echo...echo....echo......echo.......echo........echo... ......echo..........
 — onklcrispy

i'm touched. i love the rhythm; to me it imitates what life experience is like-stop and start and unpredictable vs. the memories of your life (much smoother).
 — Xiada

reminds me of something by Derek Walcott - but none the worse for that. Like the sure touch with shape and pace - like the symbolic bed springs - how original is that? You capture something about feeling like this that is so hard to capture.
 — opal

i really love the first few lines.
leave
do not.


great
i love it.


Jessica
 — aprilkutie

I love this poem. Pure and simple. There is not a line in here that does not belong. It was obviously well thought out and planned. I also think you did well to use a lowercase I. It kind of diminishes yourself making you really seem like the echo.
 — dreamingstar

Glad it's you at one again. The last few did not belong there.
 — unknown

I still absolutely adore this.
 — SarahMichele

this is wonderful......
 — amaranthe

I still love this. Very beautiful.
 — smugzy

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