|the mention of an echo.
uproot yourself. leave
do not. look back again
and dangle. useless
for the few things that you and i
have left remaining.
it feels like months, here,
when you move. we argue colors,
sift through photographs
to find a mood
i feel like years ago, hushed and quiet;
the mention of an echo.
27 Jun 08
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wonderful poem, midare.
i love the first stanza.
it hits me hard.
i find the first 7 lines a powerfully expressed poem.
no need for anymore.
s'cuse my anonymity,
but i had to come in to comment on this awesome piece.
i think i agree with the above commenter who i think
hi, jen. how you been?
this feels in a spectrum of colours that sift the truth of relationships scales of pain like tumours in a fatal skin -- memories are often Angels dressed in soliloquies of Death --
thank you, everyone :)
something is missing in ambiance
i guess it moved out before you did
i m going to take my ambien and sleep on your bedsprings
This is beautifully expresed. Yearning, regret, remembrance of things past, the impossibility of renewal as we remain at the mercy of capricious emotions.
Larry adrift Lark
the impossibility of renewal......yes, that's it exactly, larry.
anyway....any suggestions on how i could make this a stronger poem?
it's like old times, inspiring and beautiful poems by midare.
i'm going to try and give you some suggestions -
uproot yourself. do not.
look back again, the bed
spring are broken; the dangle,
useless for the few things
you and i have left
it feels like eons, here, when
you move. we argue
colours, sift through pictures
to find a mood, or ambiance
i feel like years ago, hushed
and quiet; the mention
of and echo.
This is a wonderful piece of writing that I just added to my favorites. Gems like this are hard to find on this site of late--thank you for this one.
I like the abrupt stops here with the periods throughout (almost as if you're thinking deeply.) Very deep, pensive poem. Took me back to similar times/circumstances.
Setting the right Ambience might help
fine season for an argument. nice pome.
I guess I get it, but I just don't like the style, there is no reason not to capitolize or make complete sentences aside from assaulting my sense of rhythm, I guess.
Uproot yourself. Leave.
Do not look back again.
and dangle, useless (now)
for the few things that you and I have left remaining.
It feels like months here,
when you move. (?) We argue colors,
sift through photograbps
like seasons (what are you getting at here?)
to find a mood
or reason. (reason-season rhyme is pretty rough)
I feel like years ago, hushed and quiet; (verb?)
the mention of an echo (verb?)
I love this, very beautiful and poignant, heavy with understated emotion.
ps: spelling - ambience not ambiance
In fact, according to Roget either spelling is correct so I apologize! We favour "ambience" in the UK which is why I queried the spelling!
i'm touched. i love the rhythm; to me it imitates what life experience is like-stop and start and unpredictable vs. the memories of your life (much smoother).
reminds me of something by Derek Walcott - but none the worse for that. Like the sure touch with shape and pace - like the symbolic bed springs - how original is that? You capture something about feeling like this that is so hard to capture.
i really love the first few lines.
i love it.
I love this poem. Pure and simple. There is not a line in here that does not belong. It was obviously well thought out and planned. I also think you did well to use a lowercase I. It kind of diminishes yourself making you really seem like the echo.
Glad it's you at one again. The last few did not belong there.
I still absolutely adore this.
this is wonderful......
I still love this. Very beautiful.