| slit wrist sky
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keleph
| Beneath slit | 1 |
wrist sky scampers | 2 |
the empty wretch. | 3 |
Hunting down a Rothko Door | 4 |
between black-void alleys. | 5 |
Foul stench pools of blood fleck | 6 |
his grime embroidered | 7 |
rags and dregs of thought. | 8 |
Clicks | 9 |
The clicks and clacks of drawing back | 10 |
The latch; | 11 |
the boot-thread thuds on his flat door. | 12 |
He is dragged, ploughed through | 13 |
Dirt amid fangs, claws, wild death throws, screeches - and screams. | 14 |
Cracked head on cobblestone | 15 |
Echoes in the hollow note of mice. | 16 |
Stale and dead eyes mask the | 17 |
lust of the throng. | 18 |
Steady hands pound bullet after bullet into his body. Chipping bone, burning flesh and | 19 |
Breaking slate. | 20 |
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Red seeps around black cobble; | 21 |
The opening of a Rothko Door | 22 |
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28 Jun 08 |
Rated 6 (6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8
Inactive (0): 4
(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Any comments?
— keleph
Man you just posted it. Patience!
L14 has just too many cliches; reword some of this or narrow it down to a more general idea.
L19-20 the reason for this sudden break isn't apparent enough; it's more awkward than anything.
End of the poem needs a period.
And remember, you don't need to capitalize the beginning of every line...unless you really want to.
— FangzOfFire
Thanks for commenting.
Maybe L14 has too much but I wanted there to be so many descriptions that the question was raised of who was doing what. The break at L20 was intended to add some profoundity to the reading of the final two lines; I'll have to think about whether it works some more. The is purposefully no period at the end - I felt it was too restricting of the sentiment of the final line. Not sure what you mean about the capitalisation - I didn't capitalise every line.
— keleph
Just so you know...it's going to be hard to improve if you reject or make excuses for the only critique that's given to you.
— FangzOfFire
that depiction of skies being slit or cut or anything like that is so commonly used already.
And its much better to have a period at the end.
It doesnt mean the period could destroy that depiction of a Rothko Door opening.
— unknown
My only comment is to cheer up emo kid.
On a more serious note this is very very overdone, I think.
— technomancer
FangzOfFire, thanks for your critique; I took what I thought was valuble from it and thought about it, I explained my reasoning behind the rest. I don't think it improves a writer to chop and change their poetry based on the reaction of the reader.
Technomancer, thanks for commenting. You're probably right about the descriptions being overdone; I think it matches the morose (or "emo") mood I was in when I wrote it.
— keleph
This has some Hip Hop elements about it (L's 9-11). It's in the way that the words make the sounds that drive the poem. I could hear this more fluidly at an open mike segment that I can on the page, which is fine. I think that's why it appears to be overdone (because it's better spoken word perhaps.) L13 I believe should be "plows." I could be wrong though. It's writing with an urban edge, but somehow (and I'm not sure how) it straddles a slight Harry Potter-ish/Goth vibe. Am I correct in observing this? The seemingly random capital letters which begin each line make it a challenge to read effectively. Punctuation seems okay. :-)
— starr
Thanks, Starr. I'd never considered the hip hop thing, but you're right; I guess it does have that same drive about it and the raw quality of a spoken piece. Interesting points!
— keleph
Oh yeah, the 'plough' thing: that's how its spelt in English English, as opposed to American English ( like 'colour' and 'color').
(Not that I'm English, but I am on the other side of thd Atlantic.)
— keleph
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