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Blackberries In July
larrylark

Now green as grass,
 1
luminous like new peas from a pod.
 2
Raw, bitter, formed so tight, interlocked;
 3
you cannot prise them
 4
with your cocked thumb.
 5
 
 
Hard to find sight of icy sweetness
 6
so far from chill October days,
 7
yet taste of winter creeps on tongues
 8
while wishing darkness kept at bay,
 9
wondering why summer strayed
 10
beyond the estuary’s mouth,
 11
where some still hang threadbare, overripe,
 12
survived gorging birds flown south.
 13

13 Jul 08

Rated 9 (9) by 4 users.
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Comments:

-larrylark-

reminds me of when i was 8 and i used to go blackberry picking with the girl across the street. i remember back then, there were so many places in england were one could go to pick wild blackberries. not so anymore :-(
 — raskolniikov

oh mr birdlark,

the blackberries are fresh in my childhood memories,
since reading this.

delightful images and flavours to revel in.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

yes, i enjoyed everything but
'cocked thumb'
which I'm sure has special significance to you.
 — jenakajoffer

feels like the second stanza came out of a cataloge of some kind to finish the pretty good first stanza. probably the first stanza is too terse and yet not concise -- i think the "prized" works so well that anything after would have to resonate with it. in that sense, "cocked", though conceptually true, seems to be drawn from another level. i can't think of a better word though... ah, maybe dropping "apart" might showhorn this prosey clause into verse?
 — joey

lovely poem.
 — stout

Hi raskolniikov


They have all gone to dust like the kinder gentler England that is a mere figment of my imagination

Larry fruit fool Lark
 — larrylark

They still grow wild in the Pacific Northwest.  Fresh berries on hot waffles.

Very lovely, lyrical poem.  
 — Isabelle5

Hi jenakajoffer

maybe cocked puts the wrong image in the mind

Larry cocksure Lark
 — larrylark

I think it does flow better without aoart. Thanks Joey
 — larrylark

i wonder if a double dash instead of a semi-colon might give the reading an extra beat and make the "you cannot prise..." more emblematic -- which i think it deserves -- a sudden wording in another dimension? i like semi-colons but i think they're best as a slow-down instead of a colon... i'm simply reading into the next line too quickly here.

it's not really my business, re-writing your poem, but mine's a reading, anyway, and i'm wondering if

"hard to find the icy sweetness, so far from [chill] october..." might be ok, now that the humping of "apart" is gone? -- that the new stanza should carry a little of the tone of the last stanza, but be really only a sign-post message into the next consciousness. i don't know how you envision stanza-form though -- what it is for you... a complete conceptual space, a complete mood-space, or simply a punctuation allowing the reader to catch a breath. here, you're using it to change voices, to go into the subjunctive past, but you don't hold, in the writing itself, to that implied concision: "surviving gorging birds flown south" is a fine line, but it's not really stylistically consistent with "hard to find sight of...", nor with the implicit force of,

"beyond the estuary's mouth;
surviving gorging birds fled south."

i think this was seen well and stacked ok, but i think a poem this strong ought to turn at the stanza and look at it all through the lens of the reader's eye -- in the second stanza, leave the author and contrive to allow the reader to feel they're writing the meaning out of their own experience. i think that's what makes them believe in the author and feel they've read a poem.
 — joey

Hi Joey

You have given me a hell of a lot to think on here and I thank you for a most enlightening crit.

Larry
 — larrylark

lovely poem. i think the way you write is maybe good enough to be in books... well that is my opinion. keep trying and good luck
 — unknown

Dear unknown

thank you for your kind support and encouragement

Larry a hint of print lark
 — larrylark

I like the poem. Would it benefit if you rewrote the last line? "Surviving" and "gorging" both end in "ing"
 — Joseph

Might the last line improve if you rewrote it: "surviving" and "gorging" both end in "-ing".
 — Joseph

Could COPYING be an excuse for stupidity, ever?
 — unknown

Would people's heads be less done in if you stopped doing it?  The copying, I mean.
 — unknown

Should you try getting a life and using your own words and phrasing, perhaps?
 — unknown

Nice pome, sheepy.
 — unknown

Thanks Joseph
 — larrylark

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