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Blackberries In July

Now green as grass,
luminous like new peas from a pod.
Raw, bitter, formed so tight, interlocked;
you cannot prise them
with your cocked thumb.
Hard to find sight of icy sweetness
so far from chill October days,
yet taste of winter creeps on tongues
while wishing darkness kept at bay,
wondering why summer strayed
beyond the estuary’s mouth,
where some still hang threadbare, overripe,
survived gorging birds flown south.

13 Jul 08

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reminds me of when i was 8 and i used to go blackberry picking with the girl across the street. i remember back then, there were so many places in england were one could go to pick wild blackberries. not so anymore :-(
 — raskolniikov

oh mr birdlark,

the blackberries are fresh in my childhood memories,
since reading this.

delightful images and flavours to revel in.
 — jenakajoffer

yes, i enjoyed everything but
'cocked thumb'
which I'm sure has special significance to you.
 — jenakajoffer

feels like the second stanza came out of a cataloge of some kind to finish the pretty good first stanza. probably the first stanza is too terse and yet not concise -- i think the "prized" works so well that anything after would have to resonate with it. in that sense, "cocked", though conceptually true, seems to be drawn from another level. i can't think of a better word though... ah, maybe dropping "apart" might showhorn this prosey clause into verse?
 — joey

lovely poem.
 — stout

Hi raskolniikov

They have all gone to dust like the kinder gentler England that is a mere figment of my imagination

Larry fruit fool Lark
 — larrylark

They still grow wild in the Pacific Northwest.  Fresh berries on hot waffles.

Very lovely, lyrical poem.  
 — Isabelle5

Hi jenakajoffer

maybe cocked puts the wrong image in the mind

Larry cocksure Lark
 — larrylark

I think it does flow better without aoart. Thanks Joey
 — larrylark

i wonder if a double dash instead of a semi-colon might give the reading an extra beat and make the "you cannot prise..." more emblematic -- which i think it deserves -- a sudden wording in another dimension? i like semi-colons but i think they're best as a slow-down instead of a colon... i'm simply reading into the next line too quickly here.

it's not really my business, re-writing your poem, but mine's a reading, anyway, and i'm wondering if

"hard to find the icy sweetness, so far from [chill] october..." might be ok, now that the humping of "apart" is gone? -- that the new stanza should carry a little of the tone of the last stanza, but be really only a sign-post message into the next consciousness. i don't know how you envision stanza-form though -- what it is for you... a complete conceptual space, a complete mood-space, or simply a punctuation allowing the reader to catch a breath. here, you're using it to change voices, to go into the subjunctive past, but you don't hold, in the writing itself, to that implied concision: "surviving gorging birds flown south" is a fine line, but it's not really stylistically consistent with "hard to find sight of...", nor with the implicit force of,

"beyond the estuary's mouth;
surviving gorging birds fled south."

i think this was seen well and stacked ok, but i think a poem this strong ought to turn at the stanza and look at it all through the lens of the reader's eye -- in the second stanza, leave the author and contrive to allow the reader to feel they're writing the meaning out of their own experience. i think that's what makes them believe in the author and feel they've read a poem.
 — joey

Hi Joey

You have given me a hell of a lot to think on here and I thank you for a most enlightening crit.

 — larrylark

lovely poem. i think the way you write is maybe good enough to be in books... well that is my opinion. keep trying and good luck
 — unknown

Dear unknown

thank you for your kind support and encouragement

Larry a hint of print lark
 — larrylark

I like the poem. Would it benefit if you rewrote the last line? "Surviving" and "gorging" both end in "ing"
 — Joseph

Might the last line improve if you rewrote it: "surviving" and "gorging" both end in "-ing".
 — Joseph

Could COPYING be an excuse for stupidity, ever?
 — unknown

Would people's heads be less done in if you stopped doing it?  The copying, I mean.
 — unknown

Should you try getting a life and using your own words and phrasing, perhaps?
 — unknown

Nice pome, sheepy.
 — unknown

Thanks Joseph
 — larrylark