poetry critical

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The Touch
larrylark

All those words he could not say,
 1
slipped in when they were far away.
 2
Knelt beside their drooping heads,
 3
held each hand across the bed.
 4
Told stories that would make them laugh,
 5
his deft tricks would bemuse the cat.
 6
Spoke of stars, the sun and moon,
 7
through shadows cast across the room
 8
 
 
Sometimes in the gloomy night,
 9
eyes would open voice would sigh.
 10
A hand would reach to touch his cheek,
 11
then turning over stayed asleep.
 12
When he returned to lie in bed
 13
he tried to think of what heโ€™d said.
 14
He never could remember much,
 15
so long the night, so light the touch.
 16

17 Jul 08

Rated 9.5 (7.3) by 2 users.
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Inactive (1): 3

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Comments:

This has a lovely, half-dreamlike quality - like being not quite awake. You could look at the scansion in L10 but other than that it's wistful and poignant and nostalgic without ever falling into mush.
 — unknown

i felt the transition from the 1st stanza to the 2nd was alittle jolted.

i love line 6 and also the last line. this does have a dreamy quality to it as the unknown above has mentioned.
 — raskolniikov

the first stanza is built together with couplets 1-2, 3-4,  8-9, 10-11, etc. The only exception is the 5-6-7 sentence. It is a disruption to the rhythm, and an unneeded one, especially when the poem is written in such a da-de-da-de-da style. you need to get rid of L7, or add another.
 — joshcoops

Hi raolniikov

I have made some changes suggested. Thanks for the crit.

Larry child like Lark
 — larrylark

Hi Joshcoops

thanks for the advice

Larry ever so 'umble lark
 — larrylark

Hi unknown

mush is everywhere and hard to avoid
 — larrylark

i am intrigued by the melody.

"so long the night, so light the touch".....
rolls off ones mouth with passion
 — Liliana

Hi Liliana

I suppose i was trying to say that while love is unconditional the human soul is inpenetrable

Larry in the name of love Lark
 — larrylark

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