All those words he could not say,
slipped in when they were far away.
Knelt beside their drooping heads,
held each hand across the bed.
Told stories that would make them laugh,
his deft tricks would bemuse the cat.
Spoke of stars, the sun and moon,
through shadows cast across the room
Sometimes in the gloomy night,
eyes would open voice would sigh.
A hand would reach to touch his cheek,
then turning over stayed asleep.
When he returned to lie in bed
he tried to think of what he’d said.
He never could remember much,
so long the night, so light the touch.
17 Jul 08
Rated 9.5 (7.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (1): 3, 9
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This has a lovely, half-dreamlike quality - like being not quite awake. You could look at the scansion in L10 but other than that it's wistful and poignant and nostalgic without ever falling into mush.
i felt the transition from the 1st stanza to the 2nd was alittle jolted.
i love line 6 and also the last line. this does have a dreamy quality to it as the unknown above has mentioned.
the first stanza is built together with couplets 1-2, 3-4, 8-9, 10-11, etc. The only exception is the 5-6-7 sentence. It is a disruption to the rhythm, and an unneeded one, especially when the poem is written in such a da-de-da-de-da style. you need to get rid of L7, or add another.
I have made some changes suggested. Thanks for the crit.
Larry child like Lark
thanks for the advice
Larry ever so 'umble lark
mush is everywhere and hard to avoid
i am intrigued by the melody.
"so long the night, so light the touch".....
rolls off ones mouth with passion
I suppose i was trying to say that while love is unconditional the human soul is inpenetrable
Larry in the name of love Lark