poetry critical : poem

when eyes crawl ...

in words	1
grace falls	2
from the page	3

falling down for quite some time	4
every soft silence is falling	5
every flying dream	6
falls swiftly down	7

every enjambment	8
every word	9
every note	10
falls down	11
to	12
your feet	13

where the beat	14
lifts it up	15

again	16

where you dance	17
it up	18

again	19

and feel your heart	20

again	21

where you lift your eyes	22
from the mud to the skies	23
looking like a fallen angel or a dirty saint	24

seeing the words	25
in the clouds and the rain	26
in the stars and galaxies filled with dust and fire	27
in the wars of men and the gathering of moths	28
in the sweetest honey mead and your broken guitar	29
in the sea and the wind and the shadows of the street	30
in the secret in your eyes	31

where you	32

see the spaces	33

where my pen gently aches	34

3 Aug 08

Rated 9 (9.2) by 6 users.

Active (6): 9, 9, 10
Inactive (1): 1, 8, 10, 10

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wasp

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Comments:

Beautiful.
— unknown

Yes, very beautiful. Only thing that jarred for me was line 23 with the end rhyme feeling a little trite. Other than that, the tone was just on the right side of sweet. Eloquent.

smugzy
— unknown

I love this. Every single word ofit.
— mitchl

— unknown and smugzy -- Thanks for reading and commenting -- beauty is what our eyes see when beauty looks from inside out without a doubt: I see you are beautiful and see beauty too --

— mitchl sees the beauty too
— AlchemiA

i liked the flow of your poem. lines 22 - 34 were wonderful
— raskolniikov

Thanks — raskolniikov you see what you see from what is inside already --
— AlchemiA

Good, but the formatting throws me off.
— propoet50

— propoet50 perhaps enjambments and space are not a part of your vocabulary -- you see, the space where my pen aches plays a longing music only the heart can hear -- Thanks for dropping by and welcome -- there is a lot you can learn here
— AlchemiA

Good and slippery.
— wasp

Thanks wasp it's my weeping song
— AlchemiA

L25-31 are just plain wonderful.

last line reminds me of "while my guitar gently weeps"...well, it pushes it upon me. very cool.
— DeformedLion

Thanks DF I had a series of heart waves that flowed through my pen that day --
— AlchemiA

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