| carved in time
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raskolniikov
| reaching across the bed | 1 |
my shadow grabs me by the throat | 2 |
'what were you thinking about, lover?' | 3 |
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i was thinking of all things temporary, | 4 |
how in the morning the sun | 5 |
burns away the snow from the sparrow's eyes, | 6 |
and of all the women i have left | 7 |
and how they now live in the arms of others. | 8 |
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'were you thinking of anything everlasting?' | 9 |
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i was not, | 10 |
only of addictions and how they are soon cured | 11 |
and how all storms howl for only so long. | 12 |
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'you liar!' | 13 |
it hissed. | 14 |
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'you were thinking of things that last forever, | 15 |
you were thinking of the day she left | 16 |
and how she would be gone for eternity.' | 17 |
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4 Aug 08 |
Rated 8.6 (8.7) by 12 users.
Active (12): 1, 1, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(26 more poems by this author)
(5 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
hahahaha
— unknown
It's good to be "it" you wouldn't want "it" to be about you.
— unknown
well done
nice
— unknown
wonderful, especially line 12.
— SilverGirl
this is like a slap that wakes us to that nagging hurting doubt of realism shouting at the back of our head with the dread and the hopelessness which is the addiction of the dead -- both great and small are extinguished in eternity, nevertheless our lives are what we are about and the fear and the doubt creeps through our brain with it's all meaningless again -- the pome stalks the reader and wrenches the wailing beast from his brain --
— AlchemiA
I bet it didn't scream, I bet it pointed the facts out quite mildly.
"the pome stalks the reader and wrenches the wailing beast from his brain" well you can say that but it would be very bad form.
— unknown
thank you -unknowns-.
— raskolniikov
-silvergirl-
that is funny, i actually thought that was the worst line in the poem. shows you what i know, nothing.
thank you for your visit and comment.
— raskolniikov
-alchemia-
thank you for your lengthy comment. i do hope my poem is capable of stalking as you suggest.
— raskolniikov
"what were you thinking about lover?"
I give you a OOOOOO with a 1 in front of it.
Lily
— Liliana
Oh, this just grabbed me and tugged me in. Absolutely like splinters to the eye, sliced clean. So angry.
— Isabelle5
I will keep reading this. I have a shadow as rude and 'helpful' as this one. Every single line speaks to me.
— Isabelle5
smooth off the tongue
— unknown
i'd really like |13 to read as "you, liar!"
first strophe is superb.
: )
— fractalcore
si fractal is right
; &nbs p; liar!
Lily*
— Liliana
-liliana-
thank you for your comment and suggestion which i have implemented.
— raskolniikov
-isabelle5-
i am pleased you liked my shadow poem. thank you for your comments and rating.
— raskolniikov
-fractalcore-
amended. thank you for the suggestion, rating and for the favourite.
— raskolniikov
i approve this poem. creative, unique, although l.7,8,16,17 i had to read over. maybe make those lines more special? stronger?
nice though!
— dustybottoms
wonderfully dark diaglogue here. love your twisted mind poems.
well, i think they are twisted mind poems.
my initial thoughts were to remove 'about' in line 5
and 5/6 "how the morning sun burns the snow..."
line 7 remove 'and'.
also line 13 is stronger as "liar".
(in my opinion).
nice,
=-)
— jenakajoffer
nice poem.
— varun
still editing?
— varun
hmm interesting enough to want to read a few times :) - though I would have liked the relationship between the first and 2nd selves to be explored more...
.. and the depth of transience.. the utter absurdity of it... this is not slammed into hard enough to make the reader feel cold, worried, substantial, like they've been slapped in the face - as you try to impress in lines 13 and 14...
the nature of transience... this interim of passing ... all the grasping hopes and abyssmal reflections of failure to be realised in actuality... not horrific enough for me ;)
though the line about the sun burning away the snow from a sparrow eye is quite beautiful..
~ Mong
— Mongrol
Brutal honesty. Wonderfully transcribed. I congratulate you on this fine work.
— unknown
thank you dustybottoms for your comment.
yes varun, still trying to edit.
jenakajoffer and mongol
i have made slight edits from your suggestions. thank you both.
— raskolniikov
okay - let me do you a wee re-write with the breaks/suggestions i have -
reaching across the bed
my shadow seizes me by the throat
'what were you thinking
love?'
all things temporary.
how in the morning sun
snows burns away from sparrows' eyes.
of all the women i have
left, and how they live now
in arms of others.
'were you thinking of anything
everlasting?'
only addictions
and how they are cured, soon,
and how all storms howl
only for so long.
'LIAR!' it hisses.
'you were thinking of things lasting, you were
thinking of the day she left and how she would be gone
for eternity.'
the 'justifications' in the beginning of the 'answers' aren't needed if you put the questions in italics. no?
done some chipping/clipping away of unnecessary wings too...
see if any of it works for you.
thanks.
— varun
Rubbish.
— wasp
I enjoyed this! I like the turn in perspective....
— candykid
lazy fucking poet
what happened you lose the lead in your pencil?
— unknown
fractal love
in fallen submissions
of antiquity
the abstraction is always
pertinent
— Salamander
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