poetry critical

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a baby is just a cat skimming the lake


once a baby, once a sun
rising out from ocean
sands, skimming
dance, throw them over lake
like pebbles
and watch them drown.
baby sprinkled,
washes off some sunny sin.
cloud of shadow
brays like an elderly
sock in the shape of
a donkey heading
to the slaughterhouse
where the father
who aren't in
waits with sharpened wits
and steely eyes.
the baby sleeps,
waa-waa's follow
into person.

12 Aug 08

Rated 10 (8.3) by 1 users.
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Inactive (4): 1, 6, 9, 10, 10

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yay. a 10. a favourite, oh hello OK.

comments anyone?
 — DeformedLion

love the surrealism of it DL - it feels like a review of some search for redemption - a wide range of images i really enjoyed :)

technically - an 'an' before elderly on line 12?

otherwise a nice melon-twister

~ Mong
 — Mongrol


yes to "an". it is much needed.
 — DeformedLion

this is excellent. needs more recognition.
 — midare

I get lost in the middle of the poem.

I like the metaphor of water and the baby.

But them everything just gets jumbled.
 — oakspringer

i couldn't even find the middle. so i can't really help you there.

but thanks for the reading and the commenting and the wee's/hump goes the whale. no, damn it!!! GET in your box.
 — DeformedLion