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Future Perfect
larrylark

Man with gold milk, thick cream on top,
 1
lies down in clover, pick of the crop.
 2
Silk socks encased in the finest of suede,
 3
drinking Campari with real lemonade.
 4
 
 
Man with the sour, clotted and turned,
 5
lies down on bracken, heather that's burned.
 6
Shod in fake leather, it falls off his feet,
 7
drinking warm beer in a pub with no heat.
 8
 
 
Man in his mansion, size of a castle,
 9
rich velvet hangings and curtains with tassles.
 10
Monocled, powdered, dryer than gin,
 11
drinks in the mountain top's pure oxygen
 12
 
 
Man in a bedsit, gas ring and meter,
 13
huddling over a paraffin heater.
 14
National Health glasses, skin like a rhino,
 15
breathing in fumes, obscuring the lino.
 16
 
 
Man wearing Rolex, platinum chain,
 17
eats spoonfuls of caviar washed down with champagne.
 18
Perusing Picasso, Renoir and Dali,
 19
Takes breaks in Jamaica, Monte or Bali.
 20
 
 
Man with a digital hung off his wrist,
 21
Eating steak pudding, gravy and chips.
 22
Flicking through Mayfair, Rustler and Knave,
 23
paddling at Skegness, counting the waves.
 24
 
 
What of their futures now they've drawn their last breath?
 25
Doesn't it matter when the living are dead?
 26
The grim Reaper beckons the rich up to God,
 27
the ones with fuck all stay under the sod.
 28

14 Aug 08

Rated 8 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (1): 10

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Comments:

I like how this makes sense after the last stanza -- it makes you read it again, & I enjoyed it both times.  I like the meter, and I think overall it's well-constructed.  L12, I'd make mountaintop one word for clarity.  Not a fan of L26 -- it seems out of place/didn't make sense to me.
 — lzug

I love this, all but that last stanza.  It needs some work to come up to the excellence of the rest.  I was laughing all the way through, intrigued by who you were going to show us next and able to clearly see each person.  You can almost smell expensive cologne, then you give us the scent of a bunson burner!  
 — Isabelle5

a vivid expression of thoughts;
fine rhymes;
though 'men' was mentioned six times,
   good choice of words;
the last line makes it less perfect;
a remarkable message.
 — enkantada

You could change fuck to nothing, same meaning but more in tone with the rest of the piece.  
 — Isabelle5

careful sense of lexicon : well done larry ! have much enjoyed " obscured the lino " - very funny...
 — greenmantle

Hi lzug

thanks for the crit which is much appreciated

Larry
 — larrylark

It sure is hot down here among the poor Isabelle
 — larrylark

Thanks enkantada

and remenber Larry always speaks the truth

Larry the liar Lark
 — larrylark

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