poetry critical

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orange blossoms encased in black

warm summer night,
a serenade of sprinklers.
my shadow stretches
ahead of me
yawning like a grave.
under the lamp post
yellow police tape
curled up in the gutter;
a white lily
glows orange
in the muted light.
audible only:
the sound of
a mosquito passing by,
and a leaf crinkling
as it floats
to the earth below.
main road: abandoned,
carless, personless, stillness
the sprinklers go silent.
only the sounds
of my footsteps
scuffing against cement;
my shadow glides
along the ground.
i walk
across the dying field,
the old playground gone.
in the dark
between the trees
only the burial grounds
of our childhood memories remain.

breathe deeply the dark
bride of death
an orange wreath
on her snowy brow

14 Aug 08

Rated 8.5 (8.4) by 8 users.
Active (8): 7, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 2, 4, 5, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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i have a problem with l. 18, the colon just doesn't do it for me, how about a '-'? also, i would like to see your last four lines rhyme somehow to seem like a childhood memory. other than that, this poem is awesome! i love the words, i love the imagery.
my fav lines are 5 (of course), 22-23, 28. love to see this on top rated!
 — dustybottoms

damn people. read this!
 — dustybottoms

I think the title could use some work, but other than that, this is wonderful imagery driven writing.
 — PaulS

title is ok, but maybe encased is not the right word...
 — dustybottoms

this has great moments of observation in this ... perhaps try and draw the reader into it more by introducing some emotion to what you see.. a little reflection on what you see as you see it :)

~ Mong
 — Mongrol

as for the title - something like

orange blossoms are black (becomes open ended abstraction)

let me think of some others :)
 — Mongrol

No No No.
 — wasp

some nice images though they do feel little disjointed. Also, have to agree with previous comment about line 18, it sounds very unnatural and perhaps contribute to the disjointedness
 — kendell

No No No.
— wasp        

yes yes yes :)
 — Mongrol

yeas -- the imagery drives this pome to its dark abstraction -- all things come and go and this is so in the pome -- it's almost as if you began with the last strophe and then carved your images to suit
 — AlchemiA

Nope I don't like this. Lines like "my shadow glides along the ground" are too contrived, saying nothing but a base image. No dialogue with the reader at all.
 — mitra

very nice poem
i wonder if it might suit the language to try it in longer-line couplets
 — chuckle_s

(line 19 was a little overdone for me, but whatever)
nice poem
 — jenakajoffer