| leatherback bareback
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raskolniikov
| black silhouette | 1 |
under pale starlight | 2 |
cold sky, cold night. | 3 |
midnight hour | 4 |
scurry on quartz | 5 |
moon and tide, deafening roar. | 6 |
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wave crash, salt and breeze | 7 |
legs and flipper hurrying | 8 |
to the beckoning sea, | 9 |
as i crawl across the bed to your lips | 10 |
like a turtle sliding into the mouth of the pacific. | 11 |
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15 Aug 08 |
Rated 6.8 (7.3) by 7 users.
Active (7): 1, 1, 7, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (1): 6, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(26 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Wow! I've read this 3 times and love it. I can smell the sea in this. Title perfect and clever. The whole of this is clever but it works in an uncontrived way and is wholly convincing.
Line 6 deafening
Do you need some punctuation in lines 4-6? It might aid sense as these lines feel a little abbreviated.
— smugzy
In my opinion, this is actually really good.
— smugzy
Beautiful
— Liliana
watch out for the
; &nbs p; BIRDS...crunch crunch
— unknown
this is a joke poem, yes?? maybe not -- it seems consistently seen in the internal poem space. it's kind of a little silly sounding though, because it's using a conversational and conventional voice for talking of private and procreational realities. the description, the prosy introduction of stanza one, is clipped to maybe control syntax, but i think it actually needs those syns --
black, under starlight,
cold sky, night...
scurrying over quartzite
into moon and tide and ocean.
crashing waves,
salt air, the ocean wind hurrying;
i crawl across the bed to you,
your lips, like turtles sliding
into pacific darkness.
— joey
Stupid. Nice spider on your profile.
— wasp
rask is anything but stupid, and you might want to read this as poetry and not as 'the saga of star wars' or whatever it is you read under the covers. read the rest of his work -- he's got range and talent with words. that's what the site is about. you're about 'stupid' -- that's why you see it in everything, mr. bee pretending.
— joey
way to tell him joey
his is a wanna-bee buzz buzz off poser
— unknown
he/she/it
— unknown
rask, this really has great potential.
[see joey's rewrite?]
i like the poetry in it very much.
: )
— fractalcore
-fractalcore-
joey is a poet, i am not, that is why his version is better than mine. i write what comes to my head on bits of paper, i then post it so that others hopefully will be inspired to write something better. my poems and words are not mine, they were put in my head by something, what i vomit is how i paint the picture. but someone can come along and use the same paints, it matters little to me.
thank you for your comment on mine. i must say, i would really like you to send me a dictionary of the language you use in your poetry as i am only understanding maybe 80 percent of what you write and i would really like to enjoy alot more but feel hindered due to my ignorance.
if that is okay with you?
— raskolniikov
It's a fine poem, but I sense unintended irony. Must know that "bareback" is universally known gay code for unprotected man to man anal sex. Google and see. A title retouch would fix that problem.
— netskyIam
-netskyiam-
although i am hetrosexual, the majority of my male friends bar 3 are homosexual. and that is close friends, not people i just know or work with.
i am fully aware of the 'american' term bareback and its meaning amoungst the gay scene, but over here in europe the term applies to any kind of casual sex without protection, with no preference to sexual orientation. so the title remains.
thank you for your comment and visit. i like your videos, very entertaining. by the way, do you support cardiff city?
— raskolniikov
you start with "black silhouette"- nice sound-shape thingy made with the following line- but then you move us upwards, into and out of space...we follow the big-hand on the clock and listen to the beach get wailed on by the bitchy waves...
and then we cut to you... momentary sexy-time- soft-core- cut out and into the juxtaposed image of a turtle most likely going to die in the near future.
never really get to what the "black silhouette" is all about though.
joey's version is awesome.
— DeformedLion
hmm
a poem not without problems.
black silhouette -- this seems redundant. quite so.
pale starlight -- not very original. again seems redundant.
deafening roar -- same. as above.
wave crash -- does not seem to agree with pacific.
11 seems overly wordy. rather than a simile, it could be made into metaphor.
i do, however, appreciate the rhyme. and the sentiment of the thing is certainly relatable. i will refrain, at this time, from telling you what should be changed. it is always your poem, and really none of my affair.
nice poem
— chuckle_s
back again to read and consider. I just read chuckles' thoughts and agree (would have overlooked) L1's redundancy. Yet it reads so well. But, I 've never seen either, any silhouette that was not black. Yet! It's probably ok, a sort of reinforcement of the darkness.
Could nit about this or that, but.... why I'm back: the poem, read slowly and gravely aloud, certainly works well. Suggestion (always suggestions, time tells you best): remove "sliding" from the final line.
like a turtle into the mouth of the pacific
— netskyIam
"-fractalcore-
joey is a poet, i am not, that is why his version is better than mine. i write what comes to my head on bits of paper, i then post it so that others hopefully will be inspired to write something better. my poems and words are not mine, they were put in my head by something, what i vomit is how i paint the picture. but someone can come along and use the same paints, it matters little to me.
thank you for your comment on mine. i must say, i would really like you to send me a dictionary of the language you use in your poetry as i am only understanding maybe 80 percent of what you write and i would really like to enjoy alot more but feel hindered due to my ignorance.
if that is okay with you?
— raskolniikov ; [!]\"
ey rask, sorry for the late reply. i dunno what to say about your
request as i've always thought my writing is crap and i can't
come up with a dictionary for my brain[?]-farts [or, quite simply,
arse-farts]. besides, i depend so much on any dictionary on the
web. lemme just tell you this though: you're one of the hardcore
writers here and i like the poetry that this particular post of yours
represents; it's there lurking in the shadows, if you know what
i mean
thanks for your poetry.
: )
— fractalcore
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