poetry critical

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jennifer beals inspired lobster blowjob
unknown

when i go down
 1
on you...
 2

18 Aug 08

Rated 6.9 (7.7) by 16 users.
Active (16): 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (20): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(9 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

*gulp*
 — unknown

I think you did a really good job on this. I didn't think i would like it but it flows really well. I cant seem to figure out why you put the spacing in as you did, i think you could put some of the lines together, but then again, im not the author :).  Leave L20 alone, Its fantastic.
 — Cody

change breasts to tits for crudity value. you seem to be kinda ripe.
 — unknown

spacing works very well -- i don't know what a jennifer beals is, say, but this is well written. a lot of marginal writers actually write well and pointed when they've finally got something evil to say -- all their 'love' and 'appreciate the roses' and 'me got a hickey' poems are pretty flatline, but when their actually inner eight year old is summoned, the eight year old says things in a very straight and self-surviving way. no matter what the origin of this, this reads very straight-on like something like strong writing, good verse.
 — joey

If Bukowski was a woman...

I loved this. The line breaks work really well, the short lines work perfectly with each other. The first stanza is really strong and draws me in. Overall well edited.

You change tense in the second stanza midway through from past to present. That would be my only editorial nit-pick. Otherwise, this is perfect!
 — eyerite

thanks
=-)  
 — jenakajoffer

this was fun to read. and written so darn well.
i'd go with the known for "tits" to maintain the crudity level.
lol hardhat? did you come up with that word?
the ending is pretty good too. the title works if you remove "(otherwise untitled)"
ill, read this again later.
 — trochee

Sex and beestings! Yeah
 — themolly

very very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

well, bees kind of frighten me. in all the usual ways.

hardhat was a good one-- many times i have worn one, and then, well...

where has the time gone. tick tock. this poem makes me take cover in my perpetual state of loneliness. yes, i am under covers.  still trying to write a poem,

nice curves.
 — DeformedLion

quantity not quality, right?
 — DeformedLion

yep good verse and tight construction.

and a fun read ;)
 — Mongrol

Holy Fuck ball's
 — unknown

HONK
 — chuckle_s

i know, troch i was going to take 'knowns' suggestion, in fact i did change it last night for sound, but me as a girl, i don't say tits...but i might eventually if this poem groans on me, and needs it.  
thanks molly, unknown, hi mong...=-)
hey linus i haven't seen you around much,
take care in your covers and quantity does have its place.  =-)

thanks a bunch.


thanks a bunch.
 — jenakajoffer

hi chuckles  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

there is a performance art technique called word jazz that this reminds me of, er, word jizz -- nevertheless a pome that leaves me with that bee stung look jenny -- you've a way of getting the reader intimately engrossed
 — AlchemiA

i just ate lobster a couple of days ago so this poem is hitting me in a particularly visceral way.

i'm not saying that i feel moist.  just that my mouth now tastes like butter and lemon.
 — mousestmod

oh and it's good.
 — mousestmod

You and I must be around the same age - well I remember that scene from Flashdance :) - this is a wonderful read.  I get an image of your power, and your knowing.  Excellent.
 — CervusWright

I've returned to this poem 4 times. It's good.
 — unknown

They say that men have sexual thoughts about almost everything and now I have to add bees and lobsters!
 — cowork

and breasts
 — chuckle_s

I guess it is a matter of taste! I feel this is over-drenched with margarine, not butter,
but if it's butter, my word, what a lot of it!  The line breaks are not working for me, but that's, apparently, just me.  I like sexy pomes, sure, and thrills.  However, bee-stung too many times in the past, my history of been there done that says: this poem is too moist for comfort.  
I'll take a shower now and get all wet and soap my mouth.
 — netskyIam

i agree net
 — unknown

What?

Why so choppy?
 — technomancer

above, don't agree with critics. analyze and look at it cold and hard, no matter the topic, funny, sexy or sad.  it is a poem to be improved.  all poems, nearly, are to be improved. only time and practice and vision can approach perfection, yet never catch it, but in one way.
 — netskyIam

This has the WOW factor as they say on The X factor

Larry Simon Cowell Lark
 — larrylark

I thought it was boring.
 — unknown

nice.

-Jacob
 — uncjaf

The topic is rather crude, dude. 7/10
 — Poe

haha, you know you wright with this nonstrenuous flow that always keeps me hooked till the end.  great piece Jen.
 — unknown

"write"  ;)
 — unknown

wow.
amazing.
 — likeavirus

I like the tone you have your poems have, Jen. It's almost dangerously playful-vindictive - not crude.
 — Kiite

I'm all for kinky, jen, but I could've gotten the same effect I got from this by reviewing the wanted ads in the adult section of craigslist.org.  It had its purpose, so I don't mean to be cruel.  Just not my preference.
I like the marginal writing.  Our current Poet Laureate does it, and I don't even like her that much.  
 — aurelius

thanks everybuddy!


oh and aurelius,
always i do, appreciate your honesty and uncruelty
but i was thinkin'
that if this was about you,
you'd be thinkin pretty kinky--
a lot more so
than the 'i want you' ads.
haha, anyway, always glad to hear your thoughts.  

thanks!
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

what a weird affect this had on me, the scene you reference being one of my first "lovers"....

and no, i'm not ashamed.  much.  because fast times at ridgemont high is much more cliche material (didn't stop me then though...).  but i will say i am and always will be ashamed at having had anything to do with bikini summer II.  i need absolution...

anyway, this was hot.

R--
 — unknown

~...i liike..~ liilliiana's virgin better..~~
 — unknown

rock hot n' steady, R-
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

If this isn't featured in a 'best of' anthology, it should be soon.
 — PaleHorse

this poem gives me a stonking hard on everytime i reeaaaaaaaaaaaadddduh!
 — unknown

This is an appawling b=balling
for the chuckling fool.
 — unknown

makes me smile every time -- still a ten -- mean people suck, nice folks swallow ;)
 — AlchemiA

pretty ballsy for a fat short chick
 — unknown

thanks palehorse!  
alch, for returning!
unknown with the hardhat!
ballsy badpoet unknown!  you should've said
'for a short fat chick'
that would've sounded way better!
 — jenakajoffer

listen
pillsbury
doughgirl

you do not fool me
freckle faced

dull

town girl

you never made it abroad,
did you?
 — unknown

i'd rather swim in the rain with a white man from town.
 — jenakajoffer

fat, white and racist
to boot!
 — unknown

Ha ha, this is great.  What I like about your poetry jen is the fact that you pull no punches, you put yourself out there come hell or high water, which I believe is the the mark of a good writer--not many are willing to do that--you do it with panache.
 — PaulS

this is great.  i love all of the sexual language and images.  It's good the way it doesn't scream vulgarity, but implies it.  It's difficult to write a good poem about sex, especially oral, but you've done it.  Love the pop culture reference.
Why do you call the character Flashdance, though?  I don't think they called her that, it was just the name of the movie.  So Ln 10 is weird to me.  
I'm guessing this is an older poem of yours, since it wasn't on the newest list, so I'm not sure if you even want any more feedback on it.  
The line breaks are weird, especially the ones with only one word on them like Ln. 32.  It creates a choppy rhythm and a little confusion when reading.

Anyway, totally hot and yummy.
 — SodaKid

hehe, paul...yeah i don't mind being the butt of my own poetry.  they're kind of like jokes.  thanks for reading one of my funniest moments.

soda, thank you for the detailed comments.  feedback is always welcome no matter the date.  as for calling her (Alex) 'flashdance' it's just the way it has to be, it gives the reader the reference without being too wordy.  i didn't want to explain who it was, and it works, seeing how everyone knows exactly who i'm talking about without her name being mentioned; that is also why 'nick' works later on in the poem.  
it's choppy, yes.  it could probably do with a little tightening of lines, as someone else suggested a long time ago, but to be honest, i liked it, and joey's comment made me feel that it worked, and i don't often hear that.  i will however take your suggestion with line 32, and see how it feels.
thank you.
i'm really glad you liked this, and happy you had some thoughts to share.
 — jenakajoffer

    A subtle hard on starts to tickle against my short pants, aching balls from disuse, ideas of stroking my waking dick, no mate for a sperm bank, what are the chances on reading this i will milk softly till intense strokes, explode upon my sheets , no better place to lie, my option is blue balls this afternoon 4th of July 09
j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

you are an awesome writer, Jen!  Just catching up on your work and I love this piece.  First verse is my favorite!
 — Tandisol

ooooh,  a ten for this, for you, for sure, forever.

tell you why, later.  has to do with honesty and organic reality and lack of 'verbal fat' and utter honesty and making the birds and bees sing in harmony: 'yes! that's why we do it all!", and the pleasure and the pain and the wanting and the giving and the taking: you just summed up the Sexual Act for both genders, of either preference-style.
oooooooooh, perfect poem.  don't change anything?
 — Reid_Welch

when i go down on
(myself)
i go down forever,
its like a delishhhh
lobsta' dinna;
succulent, juicy,
and quite the
endeavour.
 — DeformedLion

damn
this is HOTT!
 — unknown

holy crap, goesz, you commented on this back in the summer of 09?  
i never saw it until now.  thanks!  your message was hilarious, if not informative, lol.

thanks Tandi, Nutz, Linus (when i go down on myself, haha), and unk, you all HOT!!
 — jenakajoffer

Welcome back.
 — aurelius

I don't know why I said I didn't prefer this, it's awesome.
I guess my tastes are evolving.
 — aurelius

Sweet Jesus !


Caducus
 — unknown

yeah, i didn't have a taste for lobster until i got older either.  
ha, thanks areli ;)

Cad, you make me laugh with those comments.
it's like all this time you've thought of me
as this innocent little church-mouse.  it's great.
thnks for reading one of my own personal faves.
 — jenakajoffer

Ha,ha
Hello
 — sir_I_clan

smelly
 — unknown

I want to thrwo up every time I read this.
 — unknown

then why on earth do you keep returning??
 — jenakajoffer

I would rather not, but it keeps coming up on the list and I want to make it go away.
 — unknown

please help me understand your nausea.  do you not like the passionate references?  are you adverse to oral stimulation,  or are you void of a sense of humour?
 — jenakajoffer

I'm glad this topic has come up again. You can never get enough warm whipped cultured butter....imo
 — PaleHorse

warm and whipped.  now that's tantalizing.
;)
 — jenakajoffer

That's really good, I love it... the shortness of the lines is like teh shaft, or maybe the tongue, the throat, all of it fitting together? And there's a real sinister sexiness to this... a promise of delicious danger.

Also, I like the image of "a bee-stung look".
 — andyleggett

  i dont get this. but i agree. it rocks. defintiely awesome. major shit dude. i wish i could produce
this type of artjibpantsybukaroose. i really
do.
thank you for the great expectations and driving lesson think tank. next year
in upsalsa!! with the crayon fish.
michelle jackson
 — unknown

thanks for appreciating the sexy, andy. =-)
i liked your comment about the short lines, hehe.


and hey, michael jackson's back, been awhile!
 — jenakajoffer

This real good, I'd try to get used to cut self explanatory stuff like
to my eating  39
lobster  40
and i think

maybe the ending not as good as the rest, because already have lobsters and bees.  You already know 'you' is strong because vokes this, this, nd that, thats good.  Even if you can't come up with diamond stuff I think thinking things similar would be a better ending
 — bykguy2000

I really did think you were a church mouse but the mouse seems to have been devoured by a ravenous tiger.

Jennifer Beals - still very fit and yes i would !
 — Caducus

my man would love it like this but got own style ;) yeah baby!
 — unknown

This is just so cool, I love the spacing and the way you smolder your beestings  
down the page.
 — hue

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