|Wake Up Call
This morning I wake from dreamless sleep
to air perfumed by Sweetfern,
the rise and fall of Robin song,
Wood Thrush playing his lilting flute
in the thick branches of pine.
Their perfect voices echo
like sound over still waters,
lifting me from half-sleep—
as if floating on water,
blissful as a suckling child.
This is happiness;
the beginning of an extraordinary,
a chance, I think, to become
a chance to fly into this
on wings of Robin,
the music of birds caught
deep in my throat.
9 Sep 08
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Thanks for reading, 1994, and for the compliment.
The title of this has been bugging me. It has a double meaning and I'm not sure if I should hyphenate wake up or leave as is. Any suggestions?
Any suggestion at all?
just a suggestion i picked up some time ago, but i thought it a good one -- watch out for the overuse of -ing words. the first stanza is rife with them, and they kinda have a tendency to overpower the sounds when there are too many of them packed into too small an area.
the second section i think might benefit, from a 'craft' point of view, from not using so much simile, or whatever it's called that has been done.
Their perfect voices echo 6
like sound over still waters, 7
lifting me from half-sleep— 8
as if floating on water, 9
blissful as a suckling child
see what i mean? i think some of the images begin to blur into each other and become lost because of what you're doing there, so closely together.
i like the poem, however, the overall softness of it, and nature references
damn! it didn't work. i wanted italics in the quote:
thanks for reading chuckle_s and I'll consider your suggestions.
Thanks chuckle_s, used your suggestion concerning first stanza.
Thanks for reading, clmt.
|1 I wake could be deleted. it is redundant. what else would one do 'from sleep'?
|6/7 echo like sound is very weak
|11 seems to require a colon, not semi
Unknown, It's redundant if I say I wake from sleep, not when I describe the kind of sleep I'm waking from.
any other comments would be appreciated.
it is a pleasant description through the event, and picturesque in the formulation of its word journey..
as a piece to be a moment, caught as in thought, it is a good read.. and accessable to your thoughts, and why you want this, it is lyrically melancholy, contrasting well with the theme.
Thanks for the kind comment, mongrol.
"from dreamless sleep
to the scent of sweefern,
to the rise and fall
of robin song,
woodthrush playing flute
in the thick of pine"
some of this poem isn't working for me, as it is difficult to grasp it's sincerity--now, i am not one to tell you if you are sincere or not, but sometimes with words like these, it can be easy to think they are placed here because what's really going on is harder to say, in poetic phrases.
i don't see the connection of a suckling child, or accept the mentions of water and their comparisons. you are a deep guy, and i know that this poem means something to you, but the emotion and impact you want to express is not coming out as honest as it should. "this is happiness" is not making me believe you. know what i mean?
just some honest comments; hope you don't mind.
i have re-read some of your poems tonight, and i was happy i did.
i enjoy many of them.
Thanks for reading jen, and for your comments. As you know, I always value your critiques and you may be right about some of your thoughts concerning this poem. That being said, this is exactly how I felt the morning I wrote this. I have a sleeping disorder, don't sleep well most nights and usually wake up almost as tired as when I went to bed--except this particular morning. I hadn't felt that good in years and I have no explaination why. The poem, as is, has already won an award and has been accepted for an anthology for New Hampshire poets due out in 2010, so I think I'll just leave it as is. That dosen't mean I debunk your crit--I'll refer to it when I need help on future work.
i like what you say in this. you handled it well.
Thanks listen, I appreciate your stopping by.
their perfect voices echo, blissful as a suckling child, this is happiness, something better, a chance to fly into this, oh that i could fly into this, ordinary day... this is the music by which the birds are caught, ..... deep in my hearts eye... j.g. smiles
the most important part... j.g. smiles
this poem has the drift of one of PaulS poems...you never cease to surprise me, thank you very much for your skill Poet... this is a beautiful, rare beautiful piece...
Thanks for the generous comment, ambiguos.
I love how this begins subtle and descriptive then continues to build through each stanza into such a hopeful yet vulnerable perfect finale. Thanks for sharing it fellow bird and nature lover!
Thank you cocoa, I apreciate the sentiment.
And I hope you caught the double meaning in the title.
Sure did! :>}
Thanks again, cocoa.
an interesting poem. takes you somewhere you don't expect.
Beautiful ending. L11-20 are inspiring and uplifting.
Thank you, LOVE. I'm glad you like it :)