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Goodbye Charlie
elodious

You know you've lived too long
 1
when you're still alive
 2
after the trees you planted
 3
have died of old age.
 4
 
 
The air is turning
 5
and the leaves
 6
the hurricane left
 7
crumble underfoot
 8
like distant memories.
 9
 
 
The sidewalk
 10
at Main and Commerce,
 11
where Cee Tee, all
 12
crossed eyes and paranoia,
 13
combed his greasy hair.
 14
 
 
The auditorium. Sy,
 15
bent half in two
 16
over a wheelbarrow
 17
selling chewing gum and peanuts.
 18
cowboy hat and boots with
 19
skin as black and lined
 20
as a story.
 21
 
 
Violins at night.
 22
 
 
Nellie lost to flames,
 23
Dabney's beautiful eyes,
 24
Leigh Ann's hands and
 25
the bay gelding at the
 26
county barn that
 27
sixteenth summer.
 28
 
 
Mud swirls in patterns
 29
in the river, arrowheads
 30
and pottery shift on
 31
ancient sandbars,
 32
disappear, appear again.
 33
 
 
I thought I heard you
 34
calling from the porch
 35
but it was just
 36
the subtle thunder
 37
of a passing storm.
 38

24 Sep 08

Rated 7.3 (8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 9, 10
Inactive (1): 2, 3, 10, 10

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Comments:

I really love this. Although "silent screaming" seems kind of cliche.
Im not one to judge tho. This is really amazing
 — MGW

Thanks, MGW.  I kinda hesitated on silent screaming, and because I was lazy went with it anyway.  I'lll change it, no doubt, when I think of something better.
 — elodious

Snort some charlie thank you
 — unknown

I thought this might be Rixes.  Which is a good poet to be compared to.  Everything about this is just right, in my opinion, except for locusts and silent.  My memories of locusts to not ever put silent and locust together!
 — Isabelle5

Thank you, Isabella.  Yeah, I'm gonna have to do something about those noisy locusts.  :)
 — elodious

There....done.
 — elodious

this is a very beautiful poem.  i love the way you've put the images together so delicately, the elements, scents, and the scenery come alive--pottery, chewing gum and peanuts--so much to take it, yet not overwhelming.  i really loved it.
i wish i could tell stories through poetry like this.  
you did a wonderful job.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

i meant to say 'take in'.
anyway, a new favourite.
 — jenakajoffer

Nice changes.  Very beautiful poem.  One slight thing, you have an extra space in line 34.
 — Isabelle5

Oops.  Thank you, Isabella5.  You've got a good eye.   And thank you, jenakajoffer.
 — elodious

i'm in love with  lines 29 to 33 ..


great piece... as Jena comments so well..
 — Mongrol

Thank you, Mongrol.  I live on the Mississippi River, swam in it as a child.  The swirling mud really does make patterns, much like oil patterns on the surface of water.  
 — elodious

that last strophe is electric and re-rumbles in my heart raising the hairs up my spine -- a good sign that the music in this reaches inside us and we 'sense' the pome in its metaphors and similes not as words on the screen but as images in our mind loaded with our shared memories -- here you've gathered these images like pearls on a string reflecting the light of the Moon inside of our minds again -- well writ elodiously with wit
 — AlchemiA

A beautiful slice-of-life melancholic poem--excellent writing.
 — PaulS

Thanks, Paul
S
 — elodious

this is incredible. i love the first and last stanzas the best. but your poem is so beautiful. it pulls out memories and shows images of new ones. i love it
 — silentspring

thank you, silent spring.
 — elodious

This may be the greatest poem I have read on this site. It makes no suggestion as to the tragedy of life, while not getting caught up in it's joys either. A perfect poem.
 — Burrito

just read through this again and just realised how deeper this runs than when i first read it..

if you have worked on this, well you've done a great job..

lines 1 to 4 - fantastic!

and the rest, sweetly melancholic memories unfurling in front of my eyes... a great read
 — Mongrol

Thank, Mongrol.  You, too, Burrito.  It's basically a list of things that are gone now, and that once meant something...friends, the town crazy, security, a joyful summer.  I'm glad you liked it.
 — elodious

"Nellie lost to frames" is an incredible line.
 — Burrito

Haha. I meant "flames"
 — Burrito

Burrito, there's a story that goes with that line.  If you're interested you can read it here:  http://www.underthehillsaloon.com/custom/webpage. cfm?content=News&id=65
 — elodious

this is excellent! beautifully written.
 — mandolyn

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