|Narcissistic note for coping.
i'm very embarrassed about some of the sentiments i have expressed before, a lot of the things i've told friends, anonymous people, acquaintances, lovers, men who refused me, and family. i have no self control, and i'm deeply sorry for anyone i have let down or caused to question themselves. i would never want to make someone change because of something i have said.
dad - it tears me apart that i cannot find a way to be your friend. it has nothing to do with anything about you. something keeps me from opening up. something makes me feel resentful and hurt. i didn't want to be this way. i do love you. i want you to know finally that my whole life has revolved around you, from the time i can first remember until this point. you have been my entire world, more than anyone else i have ever met.
mom - i have always wanted to be your best friend. i have found that in all of my time alive, and in everyone i've ever met, you are the only real comfort i've ever found. i have always loved being near you and with you. you have always been a wonderful mother to your children.
brother - i am sorry that life is affording you much of the same that i've got. but maybe since you've always chosen to do and be the exact opposite of whatever i was, perhaps choosing to become a coward will spare you from ever having to consider it. i've always been on your side, my little brother. i've always wanted to see you happy. i'm sorry that i could not be that for you.
to my various good friends - forgive me for not allowing you to come further in. forgive me for never offering hugs when you've cried. forgive me for never calling you. i've always felt a sense of numb indifference to friendship. perhaps i've never been able to understand it. i think that maybe i am not capable of loving anyone without being extreme about it. i never did it to hurt anyone. i am the one who isn't worth loving, and for that reason i couldn't bring myself to give any of it away. it wouldn't have been fair to you.
to my lovers - each one of you has been wounded in some fashion by me and my inability to remain consistent and faithful. i loved each one of you in different ways and at different times of my being.
my crime was never allowing myself to be wounded by you in return. i admit that i was never moved or phased by any word uttered or vengeful deed you constructed. it is not because you are unimportant. it is because you are more important than me.
to the men who refused me - it is here that i have felt the consequential pains of having refused so many people. before you (two,) i had never felt rejection. with you, i had shown you the best side of who i am, and yet i found that you were completely unmoved, and perhaps even annoyed by my show of affection. i am still humiliated. thank you for managing to have me realize that i am just like everyone else, and that no matter how many times i call your girlfriends fat and ugly (and clingy and dumb), it doesn't change the fact that you love them and you don't love me.
to my soul mate - it is a fact that you are the only thing that is keeping me alive right now. you are the most beautiful human being i will ever know, and when you are gone, i will not last much longer. i admit that i encouraged you to move away to test my ability to live without you. so far i am not proving to be very strong.
to the adolescent i once was: there are many things in life that have proven disappointing, but the only thing that has proven devastating about adulthood is my inability to be an adult.
24 Sep 08
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this feels/reads like a goodbye suicide note... but is most likely a 'gathering' piece... it is prose, not poetry however..
is marvelous and painfully honest. is a brave thing what you've done here. it is, a tremendous amount to take in and could be the birth of several novels. this indeed made me choke, and i am sorry for your sorrows. be safe.
this is stunningly honest and breathtaking in its completeness.
it takes more than just courage to write like this.
though it might not exactly be poetry, the point is long outstanding;
what you've managed to put into words, here,
is nothing short of brave and marvelous.
thank you for sharing this with us.
also i just realized that i used a lot of the same words to describe this piece as onkel did. oops. i guess it should say something about this piece that two people independently came to the same conclusion.
growing up is hard. most of it is spent unravelling your childhood and living with uncertainty.
9 out of 10 people fail
the need for unconditional acceptance or love is juvenile
grow up kids
I am also very moved by this. As onklcrispy says, there could be a lot more in here to be explored. The authorial voice is consistent, self-aware, honest and entirely believable at all times. A real achievement.
I love the way you hint at things too personal to share and people that mean something to you but remain shadowy ie in the section "to the men who refused me" you say:
"before you (two), i had never felt rejection".
This is just the way I might express myself in a diary that I didn't want anyone else to get hold of but I knew who I meant and that was enough.
It would be fascinating to expand and develop this. Perhaps you could experiment in the third person. You do write very beautifully.
Oh and I love the self-aware irony of the title too. Perfect.