poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Dreaming in Uneven Breaths - inspired by Mongrol
Isabelle5

The sidewalk ends when midnight strikes,
 1
when the wings of the right brain open,
 2
when the silver of the sky lights the path
 3
beneath your slippered feet.
 4
 
 
A black owl cries, a mouse in its claws,
 5
a feather falling, changing to a man
 6
with his wings open wide across this dream,
 7
where you are the sidewalk, the owl and the prey.
 8
 
 
A stream with strawberry-scented water;
 9
dropping to your knees, you drink,
 10
cupped hands aglow while the winged-man
 11
watches from the stony bank.
 12
 
 
You seem to float through air that tastes of rain,
 13
waiting for the moment brittle talons
 14
stroke your spine, when his breath
 15
upon your neck raises harlot skin
 16
that’s waited decades to be
 17
claimed by dark hands.
 18
 
 
He lays you on a bed of leaves
 19
and even in your sleep,
 20
you think, “How very clichéd,”
 21
but unexpected orgasms leave you thinking
 22
not very much at all but how your slipping feet
 23
will leave prints upon silver soil,
 24
how your lover’s embrace
 25
will leave silver-winged children
 26
flying lonely in your womb.
 27
 
 
You will yourself to unbelief
 28
but still you weep as you awaken,
 29
 
 
one single feather black in your fist.
 30

9 Oct 08

Rated 10 (5.7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (7): 1, 1, 1, 3, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(501 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Line 26-27 ... incredibly beautiful. It is mysticism and like a very deep sleep.
 — SarahMichele

ohh I'm totally flattered :)

love the first reading through and will read through some more to know it better :)
 — Mongrol

line 5 its, not it's.
stony bank line 12 -- it's a stream. now, i can certainly envision a little gurgling stream at the bottom of a small gorge, or in a deep crevice of the landscape, but clearly this is not the case as i'm able to simply drop to my knees for a drink, and not have to lay flat on my belly and stretch my hands down into the stream to cup out some water. for this reason stony bank seems as though it was simply put in for the sake of adding more description to the scene. hastily so, at that.
 — chuckle_s

Chuckles, where I grew up on the East Coast, streams very often had a combination dirt/stone bank.  Many a time, my compadres and I knelt to grab a drink, then proceeding across the stones to the other side.  But I'll think about it a bit more, thank you.
 — Isabelle5

also, i don't understand what "uneven breaths" has to do with this poem?
 — chuckle_s

Have you ever woken yourself up because you heard yourself talking?  Did you ever wake up crying and could not stop?  Did you ever sleepwalk?

I've done (and do) all those things, hence the title.  A dream that is so involving that it can break your heart and give you no-hands orgasms is definitely an 'unever breath' dream.
 — Isabelle5

perhaps it would be a good idea then, to allude to all the things you just said in the poem itself. why not use some shorter, gasping lines. why not look for words that are choppy-sounding, one syllables, raspy? just sticking it in the title is not fair to the reader. you create an expectation with the title, all titles do, that's what they are.
 — chuckle_s

Well, I don't want a gaspy poem.  I like the flow of my current lines and I want the reader to imagine the uneveness - which I thought was implied in the sudden appearance of an owl turned man, a creek that tastes of berries, realizing in the midst of the dream that it seems very cliched - all those are the un-even things that keep the dreamer just off center.  

Plus, you have to figure out if the dream was real and your waking life is the dream, hence the feather.  
 — Isabelle5

your title is poopoo then, in my opinion and for the reasons i gave... what the heck do i care? old dogs, and all.
 — chuckle_s

My title is symptomatic of the way I live my life so poo-poo to you is right for me.
 — Isabelle5

absolutely love lines 13 to 18 - there's a real 'chase' energy in this - and I can see quite clearly the dreamscape combinations of imagery and sensation you bring to this piece.

the first two verses are sharp imagery, highly focused and in sharp relief, the nocturnal surreality, reminds me of a night time Klimpt painting for some reason.

lines 19 to 27 are the revelation completion lines, the centering of the piece.. the capture after the chase..

a very enjoyable and imaginative read Isa :)

and still quite flattering ;)
 — Mongrol

yuck and blah
 — unknown

Good one, Isabelle. I enjoyed the read.
 — unknown

Hi Isabelle, I have not read you poem because I know you will only have my comments deleted.
However the title did interest me or at least part of it did. The part referring to breaths.

“Dreaming in Uneven Breaths” in the elevated language of poetry it does seem rather mundane, as well as being slightly confusing “uneven” being used as an adjective is not divisible by two.

Mor.
 — unknown

Mor, not sure why you think I'd delete your comments.  I appreciate when anyone reads and leaves a sane comment!  So thank you.  
 — Isabelle5

It's not its a fine poem of female delicacy. No one named "I" deletes any mor comments.
Let us raise a leg of Isabelle and drink a toast (how is toast drunk? A: sopped with chianti) of Isabelle, for a beautiful tribute to the gentleman known to one and three, as Mong!  Cheers! Slurp!  Ha ha!  PS: "Uneven" is OK.  Lacking the first two and then the last letter, we have her essence.   Good poem that'd be panned at the bread making boards, but here, it is all craft and care and good will towards men, and some wimmen too.  

Josh
 — netskyIam

Hi Isabelle and I thank you too most graciously for that information.

However it would interest ring to know just from a reference point view seeing that there no applicable rules pertaining to PC, what the current moderator’s interpretation of the words “sane comment”. Obviously yours being a moderator will take precedent.

However, no one would ever dream of criticising a moderator’s poem with insane comment.

Mor.
 — unknown

You'd think so, wouldn't you, Mor?  I don't delete comments on my poems, I ask another mod to do it and only if they are obscene.
 — Isabelle5

Well that is extremely honourable of you Isabelle, though I can’t for the life of me imagine who put would any thing obscene on your poetry.
Though it must be said I never read your poetry, so I miss all the inadvertent comments.

Of course the great debate would centre around what is considered obscene on PC.

Obviously the moderators on PC have a different view point to most over members as to what is obscene, we have moved on from the jailing days of Oscar Wilde, and D H Lawrence or have we?.

Mor.
 — unknown

No, the moderators are pretty uncensoring when they can be.  I delete only things that call anyone evil things, such as pedophile or if they start discussing various things that involve anyone's children, grandchildren, it is removed.  Nastiness in general on my poems - who cares?  I don't have to go home with anyone here.
 — Isabelle5

hey, I went from #1 to not even in the top 80 in less than 2 hours!  haha  I love this place!
 — Isabelle5

Well, Isabelle you could call that poetic justice.
Though I do agree, poetry is a strange world.
It is never what it seems. which in its self may be a good thing.

Mor.
 — unknown

I don't think requiring a moderator to stop impersonating an individual user with malicious intent is obscene.
 — unknown

I'll rephrase taht because perhaps I have not made myself clear enough.  The targeting of an individual user, maliciously and through impersonation is normally deemed wrong.  When this act is carried out by a moderator and that moderator is requested to stop, politely, and the comment is deleted.. one has to wonder.
 — unknown

this climbed back up very quickly again, the scoring looks a bit odd
 — unknown

i hadn't scored it, cause i don't really have much to say about this -- it's ok writing -- but i just looked at it again, and gave it a ten so that it would stay up there.
 — geckodrome

Well, Well, Well, that is very naughty of you mongrol.
 — unknown

Gecko is a real meanie only giving it ten, mongrol it gave four tens
 — unknown

laugh outloud. well, he's got the multiple accounts, and i've, yes, still got joey and mikebauer, but, really and true, i forgot the passwords. only one ten from me.
 — geckodrome

i really, really want that 'flying' in l27 to be 'swimming'.
 — unknown

Mongrol does not have multiple accounts, let's get that record straight.

Line 27 must be flying, their father has wings and the children are dream children, never real.  They fly forever in the mother's mind.
 — Isabelle5

LcrY91  pnlonpmvxcct, [url=http://fdmkpspluzlr.com/]fdmkpspluzlr[/url], [link=http://nfopyezzzvtu.com/]nfopyezzzvtu[/link], http://mamiplomjsdp.com/
 — unknown

Recent Best (expand)
    0.656s