poetry critical

online poetry workshop



I saw legs running in front of a window.
eyesaque

It's been four hours since I ate
 1
 
 
mushrooms. Pussy like roast beef
 2
 
 
A small plate of tuna with 1 packet of mayonnaise, a plate of carrots and
 3
peas, sloppy with oil.
 4
 
 
A row of 27 treadmills, 1 unoccupied, red sign that says "Out of Order."
 5
Wet spots on a shirt. Austerbery says that if you write down what weights you do
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in a notebook, you'll always know where you left off. A voice  that  sounds like Miami, only because I could not see him.
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The Steelers on a game winning drive. Progress is beautiful. A known  shark  killer. Cold hot wings. Can you read Ashbery sober? I've never smoked pot, been drunk once, 7th grade, oh, but I have been
 8
on anti-depressants for  the past 12 years. A plant in the future to end poetry for good. The tall thin man and the short squat woman. Cucumber, boat, wire. Cab, brick. Episode 7, season 1. I think I'm getting avocado.
 9

9 Oct 08

Rated 9 (8) by 4 users.
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Comments:

I think I'm getting nauseated. Are you sober yet?

roast beef pussy hah. jesus.
 — SarahMichele

nice flash piece. better class of blogging -- you might say, even, that it was more like what literature looks like. but, i don't know how you deal with the term 'literature'.

nice write.
 — geckodrome

looking at the squeeky clean response, isn't this the truth of writing -- that you're more interest in whether you pulled it off or not and they're more interested in what they know about. for me, that kind of 'i think i'm...' comment is seriously depressing to read in a writers workshop space and yet so expected. this is a nicely crafted thing -- it looks like you really worked at making this writing fit the experience and the experience's meaning for you. i mean, you may never have taken mushrooms and maybe don't even watch t.v. ever... it wouldn't matter, cause this is a writing thing.
 — geckodrome

if there's a next you do mushrooms try and go to a secluded woodland not too far from home - if such a thing exists, and just stay there for a while.

i can see the reflections of all these things in your mind, and how your mind focuses momentarily upon them to try to know them, but it sounds all fairly mundane to me in some respects, though some wild mushroom tripped out piece of junk writing would be infinitely worse .. still, this lacks exploration of your world, though it is not a bad piece of writing at all.
 — Mongrol

great poem
 — stout

so is the cat's name actually pussy, or is that just for effect?
 — chuckle_s

would the reaction be any different if I took out that one word?
 — eyesaque

well apparently SarahMichele interpreted it differently than i so i don't know.

i've eaten more than my fair share of mushrooms, however, i've never had any experience with anti-depressants, so maybe i'm outta my element.
it's a nice poem anyhow.
 — chuckle_s

SarahMichele, are you noting similarities between your own and roast beef?
 — unknown

this is beautiful.
 — OKcomputer

i wish there were a way to filter bots doing 'this is beautiful'. it really dumbs down a comments page and probably has a trojan in it for a smut page.
 — geckodrome

joey is not beautiful.
 — OKcomputer

nor am i mean to be.
 — geckodrome

by the way, i'm the one who found the beauty in this when the actuary's only found something to quibble about. i'm not jealous of other writers, just very particular about writing i like. saying 'this is beautiful' in a poetry critical site is like saying 'this is beautiful' at your circumcision. it is and it isn't, but someone will probably ask you what you mean by it. live with that.
 — geckodrome

No.
 — SarahMichele

well, writing is PRETTY much a difficult thing, and the author of this maybe has only half the motion down: "showing off", as you suggest. and maybe the other part, 'meaning what you say' is too revealing? but, the only real experience you have to share with us is the writing of this. and it would be wasteful to use poetry critical just as a personals column for getting dates from PRETTY people.
 — geckodrome

I don't like line 2, it's not pwetty.  The rest is kynda kool.
 — unknown

lulz i like it alot.
 — shizzay

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